Commando (1985)

From what I heard, this was the Arnold Schwarzeneggar movie where he kills the most people. It kind of confused me, because he only had a couple of them for the first hour and nine minutes of the movie. He gets 90% of the kills (probably even more than that, like 95%) in only ten minutes! I thought this was just going to be a dumb action movie. Honestly, it really is smarter than you'd think. There's this one scene where he's about to jump off the wheel of an airplane.I was thinking how dumb it would be because a fall from that height onto the ground would kill him. He instead lands into water. Okay, that's at least slightly more realistic so I'll give the movie props for that. True, it does have fairly hokey dialogue and it's not the most intelligent of movies. Still, it's jam packed with action and the acting's just fine. This is the first time Arnold said, "I'll be back". ***

There is perhaps no man alive who better thrives in the genre of "muscly men shooting people" more so than Arnold Schwarzenegger. Certainly, fierce competition exists in the forms of, say, Stallone or Snipes, but Arnold has worked tirelessly throughout the final stretch of the 20th Century amassing a body count that would make most dictators envious. Nowhere does this sentiment ring truer than Mark L. Lester's 1985 shoot-em-up, "Commando." I'll relay the plot to you in the briefest of descriptions I can. Former Col. John Matrix (the Governator himself) has his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano in her first major role) kidnapped by a group of criminals, including former squadron mate Bennett (played by genuine Australian Vernon Wells), and, with the assistance of flight attendant Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong), must push and claw his way to her rescue through the most explosive means possible. "Commando" is a film I would describe as being an ideal viewing for a lazy afternoon, where deeper, substantial layers are not of concern and disbelief be damned. There is not a scrap of metal in John Matrix's arsenal that goes unused-everything from rocket launchers (backwards too, in one instance) sawblades in a shed, a bountiful bouquet of buckshot for authoritarian-hopeful and mercenary leader, Arius (the ever-so succulently sleazy Dan Hedeya), and everything in between. I would, nevertheless, not be so quick to deny credit to Arius's men-it is not that they are bad at hitting John, but rather excellent at hitting everything around him. All jesting aside, the film does reach the point of John being so unstoppable as to decrease overall investment in the action scenes, even with the intimidating presence of Bennett (who may resemble a larger Freddie Mercury, but trust me, he ain't singing, so don't stop him now). The film furthermore finds assistance from a pulse-pounding soundtrack delivered by the unfortunately late James Horner, which provides many action and stealth scenes with some of the tension lost due the fact that Arnold is a juggernaut of testosterone and metal parts (how else does he walk out of an exploding police van nearly unscathed?). However, I could not shake the impression that the character of Gen. Kirby (James Olsen) could have been removed from the film entirely without much of the story changing, as he had very little to offer beyond the pickup at the end-Colonel San Trautman he is not, that much is true.Despite its flaws, some evident, "Commando" yet survives as the quintessential popcorn flick, one able to be enjoyed both in solitude and in the presence of others, with enough one-liners and reckless destruction of studio-issued property to satisfy your crave for unbridled machismo."Let off some steam!"

A retired black ops colonel has his daughter kidnapped by a former south American dictator who was overthrown years ago by the colonel and his team.Now he is being forced to assassinate the president they put into power.The ex-dictator has already taken revenge on all of the team except two: Colonel John Matrix, and discharged-soldier-turned-mercenary, Wez Bennett.Kicked out of the force by Matrix, and by all accounts is pretty gay for Matrix, is taking revenge the only way he knows how: by dressing up as Freddy Mercury and getting excited by big knives, ifyouknowwhatimean.But I'm getting ahead of myself. Matrix is retired, living in the middle of nowhere.Somehow, his whole team who have new identities, have been tracked down and killed (turns out it's Bennett with a new crew).The way in which they find him, says the dictator, is by killing Matrix' old crew so they could follow General Kirby to where he was. But Kirby flies in on a chopper to the middle of nowhere and they're already setup for the ambush. Whatever.After they get away with his daughter, they bundle him onto a plane to go assassinate the American-installed dictator. But he jumps out of the plane on takeoff, and so begins the ever so casual dismissal of real-world physics.Okay, I can accept gun blasts that send people flying like they just got tackled by a 120kg linebacker. It looks dramatic.And I can accept a car rolling downhill through forest, hitting trees and rocks that not only doesn't slow down but gets faster. It adds to the tension and action.But when you jump out of a plane that's doing 220kph? Even into marsh water, you're dead.The only explanation from here, is that he's actually dead. He's now gone to heaven, where he's playing out his greatest wish: to get revenge on those who took his daughter and to live happily ever after.It explains why seconds after swimming out of the marsh, his clothes are completely dry. Anyway.At the airport, he kidnaps a flight attendant (Cindy), ruins her car and follows Sully, one of the bad guys, to a mall. It just so happens to be the same mall that Arnie goes to in T2. I wonder if he had flashbacks? Cindy dobs him in to the mall cops, which ends up with 15 mall cops going to the hospital and 3 bodies to the morgue. In the ensuing 3:07, Cindy makes a new world record for Stockholm Syndrome, pushes a guy down the stairs and becomes Matrix' new bestest friend.{car rant/} They then chase Sully as he drives away. The good guys are in a '65 Sunbeam Alpine IV. The bad guy is in a '69 Porsche 911 Targa.With a 17 second headstart, and an extra passenger, they catch up. They. Catch. Up.Now, I admit I have a bias for Porsche, but come on:Car 0-100kph Top SpeedSunbeam 13.5 160kphPorsche 7.5 230kphAgainst the 911, they might as well be driving a Princess electric iron. {/car rant}All is forgiven when he hangs Sully over the edge of a cliff with one arm (the director wanted him to do it for real) and says"Remember Sully, when I promised to kill you last?"I lied."*drops*(Oh, spoilers?)Skip ahead (he found a hotel key) to his fight against a green beret where he gets to say his other famous line, "fuck you, asshole" ("I'll be back" is in there too). During the fight, they break into an adjoining room where a couple are having sex. The guy is Mikul Robbins, previously in Weird Science.Fun fact, Gene Simmons, then Nick Nolte were originally chosen for the lead role.Can you imagine Nolte delivering the line "I eat green berets for breakfast". Of course we'd know he was talking about the hats and would be totally serious.Matrix then finds a bill that leads them to a dock warehouse that contains map coordinates that lead them to the bad guy's island hideout. This is a pretty complicated setup for an action movie.But before they fly off in a stolen plane, they go shopping for guns. All the guns.He gets arrested by police but Cindy frees him from the paddy wagon by shooting it with a rocket launcher. Okay.As they fly to the island, Paxton gets his mark, as Coast Guard cutter Marauder. I don't know what that means, but it sounds cool. They dip below radar ("We lost them, sir") and fly on to the island.Matrix proceeds to 80's style kill everyone and blow everything up. He messes it up though, and runs from the explosion instead of casually walking away with the explosion in the background. -10 Cool Points.The battle with the last boss is the Australian Bennett aka "Freddie Mercury on steroids" (his own words. Personally, I think it's mostly the moustache), who looks like he's wearing a chainmail vest, but it's actually woolen. His clothing is tight because they were for a previous actor who got fired. They didn't have time to alter anything.They start with guns, move to knives, fists and anything they can get their hands on (pipes, a furnace door, fire, high voltage transformers, 1d4 damage my arse), with a very surprising number of puns. Only 1.The good guy saves the daughter, gets the girl, and rides off into the sunset (in a '42 Grumman Goose, close enough) and somebody else has to clean up the mess.Official body count: 81. A fairytale ending.

If you're not familiar with my review system, I break up my review into segments. Plot, characters, narrative, acting, writing, visuals, and, in this case (and other action movie reviews to come) action. Without further ado, these are my thoughts on the 1985 action film, Commando.Plot:The premise of Commando is simple. Former Special Forces soldier John Matrix, (btw, one of the most badass names in cinema history) played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, lives in peace with his daughter Jenny, played by a young Alyssa Milano, until she's kidnapped by Arius, a Latin dictator, played by Dan Hedaya who is aided by Bennett, John's former Special Forces partner. Arius requires John to kill someone in power to reinstate Arius as ruler. If John steps out of line, his daughter gets her throat slit like warm butter (according to a sadistic guard). Little did Arius know that he was screwing with Arnold Schwarzenegger. With help from a new friend Cindy, Matrix is ready to kick ass and eat Green Berets for breakfast. And he's super hungry. Commando has a basic premise, and the plot does flow smoothly, though it lacks logic. It doesn't give you enough time to breath and ask questions. It's an extremely cheesy plot, and feels almost like an old 1960s cop show it's so over-the-top, and that's why I'll lay off of critiquing the plot.Characters: Anyone looking for fun characters like in Die Hard or Terminator, will be disappointed with the characters in this film. Save for John Matrix, everyone in this movie is pretty forgettable. If I hadn't looked him up for this review, I wouldn't be able to remember a thing about Arius, who is a primary character. Narry a character development in this movie. By the end, Matrix is still a badass dad, in the end, Cindy is basically the same character she was at the beginning. But, again, this is a cheesy 80s action movie. The camp is through the roof. The characters are forgettable, and harmless.Narrative: The movie does move quickly, and is better as a result. I don't know if a 2-hour Commando would've kept me as engaged as an hour and a half Commando. The runtime is short, it's almost like a TV episode. However, I will say the airport/mall car chase scene is a little longer than it should be, but I don't think it hurts the pacing too bad. The great thing is, they throw is right into the action. In the first minute, some random civilian gets shot up by uzis. The movie never lets up, and I'll say that's a redeeming factor against all the cheese.Acting: The performances in this movie are awful. The lines are delivered so dramatically, there's no subtlety to the acting. So I will say this once more; it works. If I had to fill a container up with the amount of cheese in this movie, I'd need a couple gallons. The campy performances make sense in the campy context of the movie. Writing: Lines are cheesy, causes and effects are cheesy, it's a cheesy movie, end of story.Visuals: Visuals are standard action movie visuals. If I can remember one image, it's John Matrix in cameo makeup.Action: It's campy. But. It. Works. The action in this movie is fun. You can clearly point out the faults, like how blood squibs aren't where they should be, or just aren't there at all. Heck, I thought I was watching an episode of Power Rangers for a second. It is however, fun, like an Arnold movie should be. Commando is a fun, campy 80s action movie that I personally really enjoyed. It's a movie I could pop in and watch any ol' time. Where cheesy plot and bad acting fail, fun and corny action and a fast pace succeed.