Tango & Cash (1989)

So just where does one sensibly begin to review a film of sheer nonsense? The story of two warped cops who are hell bent, at any cost, on rivaling for all the glory of fame. Ray Tango, a flagrant and inflated man, who ironically seems to have not a thing in his life to be inflated about, of whom although, is somehow financially well off, is madly bored from the dullness of his worthless life, and therefore, thankfully for the world, risks it everyday to pursue the criminal, because, to have made a real difference in it, could of course only begin and end with the permanent arrestation of himself. Gabriel Cash, a reckless cop, flowing with vanity, who becomes more criminal in his pursuance, than the criminals he actually pursues, just so to see his pitiful face on the back-page of a decaying newspaper. No sooner in the film, just when heaven seems to have done the city a great service, by having him shot to pieces in his own cave, disappointingly departs from it unscathed. Our third villain, Jack Palance, a Big Boss millionaire of organized crime, who seems with all his money, and all his connectivity in underground networking, to be just outright impotent in triumphing over two men of even greater impotence. Tango and Cash, framed as they become, for the sake of the city, in a staged sting operation, with forms of testimony, and manufactured articles, that could only be evidently admitted, in the most nut-bound asylum of courthouse quacks, signs and seals their guilt. If it has not become mad enough this far into the film, they no sooner thereafter happen to find themselves back home, in their chaotic stay of prison, combating with about three dozen unsupervised prisoners, within a dungeoness boiler room, unleashing drop kicks, groin punches, and what ever other barbaric tendencies form, from the privation of their frail and shriveled heads, until they at-length just get a bit overwhelmed and ungratified. Hung and ready for the torture of death appears out of a shadowy corner, Big Boss millionaire yven, descending both these glory-seeking deplorables, at his pleasure, into a tub of water with thousands of volts coursing through their bodies, and with no one to of course help them, is somehow happening in the place of a maximum security prison, without guards, and without rules, and with numbers of clamorous prisoners as free as birds, is of a scene that could only seem conceivable to, an audience of the most delusionaly demented. Finally come storming in, in this unbelievably absurd episode, are guards from all corners, and in all directions, just in time of course to save our two heroes, with Big boss , and everyone else scattering and slipping into the cracks of the walls, like scurrying rats, to remain unapprehendable, is again a segment that can only be at all realistically imaginable to an overdosing drug addict on every substance a white-coat could prescribe. During the view of this film, or should we call, fantastic dream, just when you think it has reached the height of it's absurdity, another scene convinces you otherwise, until you are at length astounded on just how excessive an unhinged imagination can leap.

About three quarters of the way through this film, Kurt Russell steps out of a bar in drag. At roughly that same point, you will likely realize that it's a good thing this film didn't take itself seriously, as the only entertainment it provides comes in the form of cringe-worthy one-liners and some so-bad-it's-good back-and-forth between starts Russell and Sylvester Stallone.For a basic plot summary, the film opens with cops Ray Tango (Stallone) and Gabe Cash (Russell) as the heroes of the LAPD, albeit with completely different styles. However, when crime boss Yves Perret (Jack Palance) sets them up for prison time, the duo must learn to work together to bust out of the joint and bring down Perret once and for all.When evaluating whether or not this film is worth 100 or so minutes of your time, let me dispel one myth right off the bat: The reason it gets so many positive rankings here on Amazon (or anywhere) is because it has reached a sort of cult status among fans of, respectively, Stallone and action movies in general. This film barely came in over budget when all was said and done, capitalized on Stallone's Rocky/Rambo success, and was heavily panned by the critics. It even was nominated for three Razzie awards...ouch. However, it lives on as the epitome of Stallone's wise-cracking, blow-em-up, zero plot, high-octane film phase.In fact, the only reason I can give this film all of two stars is because of that so-bad-it's-good approach to watching movies. Clearly, this movie did not take itself seriously (and for good reason), so I can't really fault the "cringe humor" present in nearly every line of dialogue. Unfortunately, the movie takes "cringe" to a whole new level. It was more entertaining to watch then, say, Judge Dredd, but only because it was so flighty/humorous that it makes you laugh when you really shouldn't be.There are also some interesting casting choices in the film. A very young, very beautiful Teri Hatcher plays the primary female character quite well, but other than that it is very uneven. Russell really isn't an action star, Stallone (with the business suit and round spectacles) was trying his hardest to distance himself from Rocky/Rambo, and Palance is too esteemed of an actor to even be involved in the production in the first place, and it shows.Thus, I cannot recommend Tango and Cash to anybody besides die-hard Stallone/action fans, who will just get a kick out of it for the one-liners. Other than that demographic, please steer clear.

Ray Tango (Sylvester Stallone) is a neatly-dressed rich Beverly Hills cop. Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell) is a street-tough disheveled L.A. cop. They are both outstanding narcotics detectives and thorns in the side of drug lord Yves Perret (Jack Palance). They get set up for killing an undercover federal agent in a drug deal and sent to a prison with criminals the pair locked up over the years.This starts with a couple of big action scenes. However, it's not until twenty minutes when the duo gets together. It also seems to be their first meeting. These two are set up for a standard combative buddy cop duo. It's missing the buddy part for too long. The trial rings false and the plea is even worst. On paper, this duo is a fun buddy cop movie. It doesn't turn out that way on the screen. It is so broad (not a pun on cross-dressing Kurt Russell) that it does have some camp value. The Teri Hatcher reveal is fun but this is a generally bad movie.

On the surface, "Tango and Cash" has got to be the most ridiculous buddy cop movie on the market. And I'm still trying to decide if this is honest-to-god satire or just an extremely calculated kitchen sink attempt at a genre movie. This thing's just one glib one-liner after another, and they are all extremely on the nose. Is there subtlety in this? Hell no, but it is entertaining. And there are moments that had me in genuine laughter.And I do say that that's all down to the two leads. Stallone and Russell are what make this work. You can tell they didn't come to set every day hating their work, that it's all just a gas, and that's what keeps the movie light and easy on its feet. That, and in-her-prime Teri Hatcher.It's loud, extremely silly, but still a lot of fun.7/10