Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

This was bad. Real bad. I always wondered why I found so many copies of it strewn across the shelves in charity shops, but now I know why. The movie, unwanted by pretty much everyone who bought a copy, has nothing on the promising title. It's a flop from the start. Corden and his friend, who's name I didn't bother to even research, were unlikable and irritating protagonists, on their quest to get with some girls. But boy, such a shame all these girls in this here town are lesbian vampires! (Hold for raucous laughter and applause). Basically, they meet some chicks that rattle off a ton of exposition, these girls are kidnapped by lesbian vampires and turned, dick jokes and gay jokes ensue, they slaughter the lesbians, and ride off into the sunset. It's not even that I'm offended by gay jokes, but you might as well have them be funny if you're gonna go for it. And like, you might want to hire some competent actors if you want to make a movie. This just feels like nobody was trying. It's like they wanted to be Shaun of the Dead, decided it was too much effort, found the worst talent in Britain, and wrote the script in about twenty minutes. I think I laughed once, which I'm ashamed of, because it means admitting I enjoyed even one aspect of the thoroughly awful Lesbian Vampire Killers. I advise you to give this one a miss, because even though it's relatively short, it'll feel like an eternity.

A misogynist and sexist film. In addition to displaying young and beautiful women's bodies as objects, they are killed in grotesque ways for having committed the crime of being lewd and lesbians. And they die by being crossed by a sword that resembles a penis and explode in a white jam that seems sperm.One might say I'm exaggerating, but how to justify that the fat coward boy has the idea of filling condoms with holy water to throw at the vampires?The only girl who is saved is the virgin who wears more clothes.This film is a synthesis of practices that Bram Dijkstra calls therapeutic rape. The girls who show their sensuality are all punished by symbolic phalluses.It's very disappointing that a film for young men educates them with such a disgusting mentality. Questionable taste jokes complete a movie whose veiled message is that sexy women are dangerous.If it were not my professional duty, I would never had wasted my time watching this pure garbage.

Of all the lame movies made by the British film industry in the past decade, LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS stands as the worst of the lot. It's a godawful wannabe comedy-horror hybrid, even worse than that film Neil Morrissey made called I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE. Some fans of James Corden and Mathew Horne – if there are any – may get a few more chuckles out of it than I did, but I think even those with the most forgiving of temperaments are going to find this hard going.The "plot", if you can call it that, appears to have been written on the back of a beermat with as little insight as possible: two good-for-nothing blokes go on holiday to Norfolk (not that you'll recognise it) and fall foul of an ancient curse involving lesbian vampires. In fact, the plot was written around the title, but if you're hoping for a cheesy, blood-soaked B-movie in the vein of FROM DUSK TILL DAWN or TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, then you're going to be disappointed.There's barely any nudity and the decision was made to have the vampire blood white instead of red, so any would-be splatter scenes are completely awful. Add in a bunch of models with hopeless acting and the kind of embarrassing computer effects that lace modern episodes of DOCTOR WHO, and you have a film which relies on the script to work. And work it could have, if the script had allowed for genuine laughs and warmth.It doesn't. This is 'comedy' of the lowest common denominator, obsessed with dick and boob gags and without an ounce of wit anywhere to be seen. I tend to avoid modern comedy for a reason, and the supremely unfunny James Corden is precisely that reason. What makes it all the worse is that this guy thinks he's genuinely witty and amusing, when in fact most viewers will want to bash his head in with a shovel the second he appears on screen. Given the amount of screen time devoted to this guy, watching LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS is a cinematic equivalent of hell on Earth.There isn't much else to report. Horne is less irritating, but that's purely because he's playing the straight man to Corden's so-called 'gags'. The actresses are terrible in the extreme, and what Paul McGann is doing in this mess is anyone's guess – it's even worse than Queen of the Damned. It's also worse than Beyond the Rave, worse than the terrible Fred Olen Ray vampire skinflicks, worse than anything else that springs to mind. For a genuine lesbian vampire film, you could do worse than Hammer's THE VAMPIRE LOVERS to banish this travesty from your memory.

I have been really looking forward to this movie after seeing the nice trailer back in 2009. But yet again, it turned out to be a big disappointment. While everything in this movie looked really cool, and the girls have been really sexy and beautiful, the script had nothing to offer. Bad story, bad characters, and an awfully silly humor. I think I had to smirk a single time in the movie after hearing the idea of gay were wolfs. Overall, the trailer has been more funny, than the movie itself. And I don't think that this can be said about any other movie. This is one of those movies, where the constant bad and silly jokes, destroy all atmosphere, all story, all tension, all interest in the characters - simply everything.