The Relic (1997)

THE RELIC has to be one of the most disappointing monster movies ever made. I remember buying this on VHS when it first came out back in 1998 and feeling completely disappointed by it. The problem isn't the story, which is run-of-the-mill monster nonsense. It's a combination of the execution and the script, which combine to equal one of the most lacklustre monster flicks of all time. The movie takes an age to get going. Before anything in the region of 'interesting' happens, we're introduced to a bunch of particularly bland or detestable characters. When a slumming-it Tom Sizemore, playing a tired-looking cop, is the best character in the film, you know you're in trouble.Penelope Ann Miller is one of those actresses who just seemed to disappear from our screens around this time. It's easy to see why; she's neither photogenic nor a talented actress, and when you combine this with her interfering, irritating character it makes for a bad combination. Her 'frightened face' is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Look out for a couple of clichés at her workplace: the crotchety, gnarled old boss (Linda Hunt), the wheelchair bound genius (old timer James Whitmore, who deserves better), and the sinister, treacherous Asian (Lo Chi Muoi).Attempts are made to make things interesting by throwing in some gruesome crime scene shots of a severed head, but these do nothing to increase the entertainment value. Instead the movie plods on, cliché follows cliché, and finally we get a look at the beast: not Stan Winston's best work, it has to be said, the monster here looks like a primal rip-off of PREDATOR and is animated via some poor CGI (the laughable tongue scene is a real low point of the movie). In the last reel the film actually picks up, although by then it's too little, too late. We get a few cool scenes of the monster munching on party guests and taking apart a few SWAT guys (they even throw in the old 'severed guy' gag) before a ludicrous climax in which Miller manages to outrun a fireball that, in reality, would explode in about three milliseconds (but gets stretched out to a full 30 seconds here). Peter Hyams is one of my least favourite directors but even by his low standards he's slacking on this one. It's a crashing bore of a monster flick.

... and I am talking about the IMDb universe, because I am not currently registered to do entertainment reviews on the other inhabited planets. Still, just a guess, I think this horrendous adaption of a Preston/Child novel would likely qualify as awful in those realms as well. In fact, I suspect that this single film was responsible for the fact that very little of Preston/Child's later works -- many of which were just brilliant -- ever caught another bid from Hollywood.So what can we say about Peter Hyam's bizarre attempt to turn a wonderfully mature, adult, mystery novel into Jaws 36? * IMDb rating is dead on. Thank you, IMDb reviewers * an all-star cast is completely lost when competing with the CGI creature. Only Penelope Ann Miller shines. (This reviewer has always considered her an under-appreciated actress -- this was done just after she stole the show in Witch Hunt, one of the most obscure but entertaining movies ever. Tab to Amazon and order that!) * the movie is so off-kilter that, by the climax, the audience is as likely to be rooting for the creature (single-minded, focused, acrobatic, athletic, all good and admirable qualities) as his prey.Whatta waste.

Researcher John Whitney sends a crate back to Chicago's Natural History Museum from Brazil, but he himself is missing. The crate seems to be empty except for some leaves. Margo Green (Penelope Ann Miller) is a researcher who takes an interest in the crate. Lt. Vincent D'Agosta (Tom Sizemore) who's investigating the presumed drug smuggling John Whitney's murder also investigates a Museum security guard's gruesome murder. Little did they know that the crate has brought back something more than leaves.This is a well made monster movie. Director Peter Hyams is well verse in the art of horror. He's able to squeeze every bit of scary moment out of this old fashion horror. He makes a great sequence of nothing more than sounds and shadows scaring the bejesus out of Penelope Ann Miller. The monster is best as unseen growls and shadows for the first half of the movie.It's a creature from the great Stan Winston. It's a transitional time when they are trying to marry the mechanical physical model with some animation. Coming after Jurassic Park, it fails only by comparison. Nevertheless, there are some great monster work here.

Even the most jaded horror movie addicts may find themselves squirming in parts of Peter Hyams' murky but well-made creature feature "The Relic" starring Penelope Ann Miller and Tom Sizemore. Meanwhile the faint of heart may want to reconsider enduring this experience. You'll lose count of the number of severed heads. You'll also lose count of the number of times that the filmmakers dare you to accompany heroes and victims down a catacomb of spooky hallways. Special effects wizard Stan Winston has created a huge, slimy, lizard critter with tusks for "The Relic" that would give "Alien," "Predator," and those "Jurassic Park" raptors a run for their money."The Relic" is basically a haunted house chiller. Most of its grisly action occurs inside a creepy Chicago museum, within scores of shadowy corridors, labs, and staircases. A dinosaur reptile of amazing agility prowls these premises and feasts on flesh. Mainly, this hybrid monster tears your head off and munches a chunk of your brains. The melodramatic script pays homage to scary sagas such as "Jaws," "Alien," and "Jurassic Park." Penelope Ann Miller plays a dedicated but cute evolutionary biologist who pedals a bicycle to work and worries about who'll fund her research. She shares many of Ripley's heroic characteristics from the "Alien" franchise, except Penelope doesn't perform a strip tease for the monster. She keeps her clothes on and relies on her wits to outsmart the creature. Burly Tom Sizemore abets her as a superstitious Windy City cop. He wants to close the museum, but the mayor needs it open for a gala fund raiser.Naturally, the monster crashes the gala and heads roll. When the monster isn't terrifying the rich, the museum becomes an obstacle course. The monsters shuts down the power, and the wealthy patrons find themselves trapped in the dark, rained on by fire sprinklers. "The Relic" aspires to be more than just a horror movie. The worst thing about "The Relic" is its surplus of plot. What might have been a small horror movie turns into not only a big-scale scary movie, but also a disaster movie. The film opens with a jungle witchcraft scene that is supposed to frighten but winds up being incomprehensible. The filmmakers then build the plot and introduce their array of characters before the finally unleash the beast. Part of the time the scenarists clobber us with a load of scientific, computer gibberish that makes the movie sound realistic. Interestingly, everything that the monster devours becomes part of its DNA and guides it behavior.Peter Hyams lights the museum as if it were the space ship in "Alien." Hyams, who helmed "Outland" and "Running Scared," aims to scare the daylights out of you. He resorts to every tried-and-true truck to elicit paranoia and hype suspense. If you aren't family with how horror movies manipulate their audiences, you may find some scenes in "The Relic" a little intense. Predictability, of course, paralyzes the plot because Hyams spends too much time trying to be like other horror movies so that it breaks little new ground. But the effects may be gruesome enough that you forget the formula that the story follows. Hyams gets great help from composer John Debney whose tense, dramatic orchestral score heightens the tension."The Relic" qualifies as a good horror movie boosted by glossy production values. This chiller is worth seeing at least once while you're searching for a genuine classic.