Fair Game (1995)

IMDb, let's talk about THIS movie, Flair Gain. It's about apes, specifically the talking kind. Those apes, those Goddamn sh*t throwing apes, oh, let me tell you, they get up to some shenanigans, like stealing stuff, shooting stuff with guns also shooting people with guns, it's America it's cool, BLOWING STUFF UP!!! Do you know who Cindy Crawford is? She's a lady, professionally. She's not some kind of part-time lady, y'know, only being a lady on the weekends and holidays, she's a full time lady, whole movie. So the story of the movie is pretty lady gets with hunk, ugly people try to stop them. The good news is the really attractive people kill all the ugly people in the movie, and that's where babies come from.

I was fueling at the truck stop in Florida,chatting with the hog hauler fueling at the pump next to me. He was telling me about the time he had pulled off the road to take his 8 hour break,when a bunch of Russians pulled him out of his truck at gun point. Made him open his trailer,all the time yelling "Where are they". One had a g.p.s. locater device. He makes his way thru the hogs and stops about half way through the trailer. Stops ,reaches down through the hop crap, and picks up a cell phone. Im thinking,"Some truck drivers have nothing better to do but think up wild stories to tell his fellow truckers." Cindy Crawford,Selma Hayek,Johann Carlo, and Jenette Goldstein are hot!! ---One Truck Drivers Opinion--- erldwgstruckermovies.com

Supermodel Cindy Crawford launches her star movie career,and promptly crashes it in FAIR GAME.The premise to begin with is heavily far-fetched as we're supposed to accept La Crawford as a high-flying lawyer in trouble with ex-KGB baddies intending to exterminate her at all cost over some nonsense concerning a boat belonging to an associate,while would-be macho cop Billy Baldwin is on hand to protect our Cindy when the ensuing mayhem starts.And what mayhem! The above is the basic plot line,thin even for a routine one-hour TV episode.Perhaps unconsciously realising this,the film's makers decide to pad it out with as much absurd,ludicrous and hilariously over-the-top action as possible,with barely the slightest concern for intelligence,wit,or logical plot development.Crawford herself looks predictably lovely in various states of skimpy dress or undress,but this is the only positive aspect of her performance;when it comes to delivering the admittedly hackneyed dialogue,she struggles terribly and embarrasses herself,as mostly does her leading man Baldwin.Steven Berkoff is mildly enjoyable in yet another variation on his innumerable mad Soviet-style villains,but his hammy,bellowing visage becomes tiresome.The film's only assured performance comes in a cameo from Salma Hayek,as a former beau of Baldwin's.Ms Hayek would've been a better choice than Crawford as the leading lady;she is criminally wasted in this tiny role.Cindy C as a lawyer broke credulity barely as the film started;if anything,it goes even more downhill from there as Berkoff and Co.(thanks to sophisticated computer tracking devices) are remarkably clever at tracking the exact point and time wherever Cindy and Billy happen to be,but despite the couple being armed with little more than a token gun and their fists (though in Cindy's case,her breasts,which are teasingly present underneath tight-fitting t-shirts),they are hopelessly inept at bumping off their prey,despite seemingly having the equivalent of the entire world's military hardware to hurl at them! Aside from the odd scratch here and there and mussed-up hair,the hero and heroine amazingly survive their ordeal unscathed.With such dumbness present,FAIR GAME could've been enjoyed as a no-brain action thriller had there been any sort of chemistry with the two leads and better dialogue.Since it fails dismally on most of these and other points,it is barely watchable,and Cindy Crawford has not starred in any film since.She has however,performed adequately in supporting roles (her appearance on US sitcom THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN received unexpected praise in some quarters) in other films and TV programmes.Cindy Crawford is a great supermodel,an acceptable small-part actress,but not a leading actress.Perhaps even Cindy realises that now.Rating:2 and a half out of 10.

William Baldwin stars as a cop who protects a high powered attorney (Cindy Crawford in her career stopping performance!) from a group of terrorists who for some reason are looking to do our bubbleheaded attorney in. Believe it or not, Fair Game is actually an adaptation on a novel that inspired the underrated Cobra that was fascinating in it's right wing tendencies. Cobra had it's detractors and I think it rates at like 4.3 out of 10 so that goes to show you how B.movies tend to do in the IMDb polls. (Yet strangely, newer action movies pull of 5.5 ratings and anyone who thinks today's actioners are better than the 80's ones, are people I have no interest in knowing. This is a different rant for a different time.) Anyway Fair Game is quite possibly the Alone In The Dark of the 1990's. A laughable bomb which has Billy Baldwin (They could have at least given us Daniel!) at one point sighted with a rifle laser beam on his ass crack. Not since the The Punisher have we been treated to such gratuitous hairy man's ass and at least Dolph Lundgren had the decency to never show his ass again in a different movie. Fair Game plays less like an action flick and more like an ego trip for Cindy Crawford and Billy Baldwin. I was afraid that this wouldn't be as ridiculous as Cobra. I also feared that it would be bald on political statements. I was however wrong. Fair Game is equally as ridiculous as Cobra and it also has a political message. One that includes the idea that Crawford could actually make it into law school and second that it is important for sexy attorneys to take showers at regular intervals. Yes indeed. The reason Fair Game is so bad is it because it represents what is wrong with action movies as it comes from the "Bigger is better" school and although the explosions and action stock come from the assembly line, I think it is more important that we acknowledge that at one time there was a movie that said, not only can Cindy Crawford act but she can also play an intellectual who is a damn good lawyer too! I would say that Cindy Crawford is the worst actress to ever come from the modeling field but I can't because she is a notch above Anna Nicole Smith and one below Bo Derek. As for me I was laughing through out. Although I kind of feel sorry for the author, I never read the novel but i'm guessing this abortion of a movie won't be getting people out there to read the book. And they wonder why today's youth doesn't read anymore! 1/2* Out of 4-(Awful)Note:Someone pointed out that indeed it was a woman not a man who wrote the novel.