The Bleeding (2009)

...that makes me seriously question my local library's video acquisition policies. Irredeemably bad in virtually every respect, I hesitate to mention any names involved whatsoever, for fear of possible loss of my immortal soul. All of them should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Let's just say that stuntmen should never be directors, Vin Diesel lookalikes should stick with being body doubles or anything else that keeps them out of public view, and bimbo actresses should always be seen and never heard. Also, Michael "never saw a paycheck I wouldn't take" Madsen and Armand "me, too" Assante should immediately retire from the business before they lose their own immortal souls. This is crap with a capital C and if anyone reading this actually goes out and buys, rents, or even steals/downloads it, well, it's your immortal soul, fool, and I hope you enjoyed it while you still had it. I almost never slap a "1" on a film, but this one surely deserves it for the absolute waste of $7m dollars it represents.

Don't ask me to explain why I actually sat through this whole thing. Maybe it was curiosity after reading the other reviews. Could one film be THAT bad?? Unfortunately, the answer is a resounding yes. Sitting in a corner pondering your navel is time better spent.Seriously, the other reviewers are not underestimating this movie. There is not one single teeny tiny thing that redeems this movie in any way whatsoever.The acting and casting are just as bad as mentioned by other reviewers. But worst of all to me was the writing.I can say without a doubt that my miniature donkey could've written a better script. A MUCH better script. By hand! It would be laughable if it weren't so pathetically sad that there are good scripts that can't get made, and yet this script, that isn't worth using as toilet paper, actually made it to film.Nope. Not a single redeeming quality in this film. There's not even any mildly entertaining nudity or killings.Never, ever, ever, in my 40 plus years of watching movies as an avid fan, have I ever seen such worthless tripe.Please do the world a favor and burn every single master copy.

Move over Uwe Boll, old man Charlie Picerni takes away your coveted title as worst director of all time. This rotten, lame, boring, badly tweaked in post color, amateurish turkey was so excruciating I almost destroyed my TV 5 or 6 times. Is it any wonder it sat on the shelf for 2 years before being dumped into the straight to DVD pit of hell? Apparently director Charlie Picerni is some old hack who used to do stunts 20 or 30 years ago, as well as direct lame 70's TV shows where speed and perfunctory shots matter more than technique or talent. Hack Picerni should retire before we have to suffer through any more painful garbage like this. Riding on the fumes of the vampire genre, old man Picerni foolishly attempts to draw in young audiences with some stiff, boring third rate Vin Diesel he dug up from under some rock to star as the "Slayer" and go after the vamps who killed his family (so much for an original plot). One key problem (besides the tedious script)is that Picerni clearly knows nothing of horror, so he masquerades this pseudo-action film as horror. It's an exercise in desperation. Even the periodic action sequences fall flat. There's even one shot in a car chase he repeats at least 4 times so that we can oooo and aaah at a headlight lens flare! Sorry, Mr. Picerni, but car headlights are not enough to keep the audience awake, let alone dazzle. After 50 years of stunt work you'd think he could get the action part right! I think another reviewer said it best: this should be called "The Boring" not "The Bleeding". I noticed the director's wife (who appears to be half his age) is in this fiasco (Nancy Young) as the nurse, and even she gets a lousy, 3 line walk on part! Perhaps director Picerni seems more in love with his half-wit, bald, stone-faced hero than giving anyone else (including his wife and the vampires) some screen time. Cameos by washed up stars do little to raise the production value. Instead, they serve as a glaring reminder that a quick paycheck is better than artistic integrity. No one looks like they are having fun. The movie has no soul, no heart, no scares, very little gore and no attempts at humor. Everything is played straight and deadly dull. Seriously, don't waste your time with this mess. It's so bad it makes you want to rattle the filmmaker and scream, "How could you?!?"

When you look at the cast for "The Bleeding", aside from star Michael Matthias, this looks like a dream cast for people that watch direct to DVD garbage. Vinnie Jones! Rapper DMX! Michael Madsen! Armand Assante! Tony Schiena (here billed as "Johnny the Perv")! UFC host Rachael Leah! Reality star Kat Von D! It looks too good to be true, like the ultimate DVD movie cast. Well, it was actually released exclusively in New York as far as theatrical releases are concerned, so it's almost a straight to DVD movie. It's also bad-and I mean painfully so.Shawn Black (Matthias, who also serves as a producer-this is essentially a vanity piece for the him) has returned from Afghanistan, with his parents murdered, and his brother dead in battle. Well, it turns out his brother is now a vampire named Cain (Jones), and that he is "the slayer", or a man who must vanquish such evil from the world. Aided by a rather gun happy, unorthodox priest (Madsen), Black must go to an abandoned factory turned nightclub, where Cain and his vampire brethren are hiding.A pastiche picture mixing "Blade", "From Dusk 'till Dawn", "The Fast and the Furious", "Boondock Saints" as well as other obnoxious Tarantino knock-offs and at one point, a pinch of "Hostel", "The Bleeding" is symbolic of everything wrong with action/horror hybrids today. The editing is all over the place, the action scenes aren't all that exciting, the score is a strictly pro-tools affair, the direction is lacking, and you really don't care about anything that happens. In a lot of ways, this is also reminiscent of a lot of bad direct to DVD action movies, but this one takes it to different levels. The whole thing is lazy, and clearly made to be a breakout vehicle for poor man's Vin Diesel star Matthias. I mean sure, the gore and make-up effects are good, and there's boobs, but it isn't anything you haven't seen already.To make things worse, nobody here really seems to give a damn. Several of the stars-Assante, DMX and Kat Von D-are merely given tiny roles and cameo appearances, with DMX only being there to provide crucial plot information and get killed off, Von D to get some blood on her after biting a girl's neck, and Assante being a poor man's version of an old western movie standard (he even calls the movie "a futuristic western" in an interview that serves as a special feature.) The rest of the cast doesn't even seem to be trying for the most part. DMX is clearly just there for the paycheck, while even Matthias and the narration he provides seems to be screaming "get me out of here." Only Madsen and Jones seem to be trying, and even they can't do anything worth a damn due to the script-Jones in particular is given a goofy looking wig and bad American accent. The movie can't even work on an unintentional comedy level. One liners meant to be cleaver are just awkward, and even the site of Vinnie Jones in a bad 70's exploitation hair style can't register."The Bleeding" is just bad, and even not on a camp level. It's just painfully bad, and the kind of thing that usually get's dumped to DVD and forgotten and is not given a weekend long theatrical run. Avoid like a vampire shown a crucifix.