Bad Apple (2004)

I have just wasted my Saturday night watching this crap! I saw the names of Chris Noth (Mr. Big, from "Sex & the City"), Robert Patrick (from "X-Files"), the decadent Elliot Gould, Colm Meaney and Mercedes Ruehl on the credit; a very reasonable IMDb Rating (5,6); and many good reviews in IMDb. For my total surprise, the film is horrible: the characters are badly constructed; the story tries to be funny, but it is totally silly; the character of Mercedes Ruehl is amazingly stupid for a professor of Princeton. So, I decided to investigate the credibility of the good reviews, and I found that most of them are made by IMDb Users with only review, therefore relatives or friends of the cast and crew, or people hired to promote this garbage. My vote is three.Title (Brazil): "Sem Retorno" ("Without Return")

Quite different for a Noth flick, but I actually liked it. Saw it at Wal-Mart tonight and thought, what the heck? Why not get it? It's Noth, and it's got Colm Meaney, Elliott Gould and Dagmara Dominczyk (from The Count of Monte Cristo and Third Watch) in it. Looked more like a made-for-TV-piece though than the motion picture its opening credits claimed it to be, but it was funky and fun.I wouldn't say it was suspenseful or a thriller in the pure sense of the word like the DVD jacket claimed, but rather a quirky comedy with some inane situations involving Elmore Leonard-like characters: Mercedes Ruehl as a Princeton professor of medieval history who teaches a stripper some philosophy in a strip joint after having been "kidnapped" by mobsters along with her FBI agent husband (shades of Jamie Lee Curtis and Schwarzenegger from True Lies but not nearly as good), and Elliott Gould's character. Gould played a mobster named "Buddha," which was satirically sacrilegious to both organized crime and Buddhism, which seemed to be the movie's main theme (whether intended or not): suffering is caused by desire and the way to end that suffering is through an enlightenment, of which several characters in the movie got -- enlightened, so to speak. Anyways, it's a keeper in my DVD library.

Biting an apple, a good one, I only got shaky and broken words for this TV movie. Shaky and broken like its plot.God, thank you for Dominczyk's pretty face and sexy exotic Polish accent. Lovely voice she has.Robert Patrick, I only saw his "Terminator" in which he doesn't need to speak at all but kill and run. How delightful to find out that his voice is exactly like Martin Sheen's, though MS is 18 years senior to RP. Actually RP can do far better, the faulty plot just doesn't allow him to shine brighter. BTW, I like his look, blond and fair.Chris Noth is known here in town largely due to the huge success of Sex and the City. How come he looks so downcast here.Why doesn't Colm Meaney call for backup when that is really necessary?Claps to Howard Korder, quite a number of lines are hilariously funny."Comedy"? How did it achieve this title? I don't know how to laugh during and after seeing it.Big thank you to the VCD distributors in town and the visual technology, I don't need to tolerate the TV commercials, it took me less than 96 minutes to sweep it through with the fast-forward button.

Like me, you might want be thinking about watching this movie for the "name" actors in it and the promise of a funky, funny mob laugh-up. Believe me, you shouldn't waste your time. Half way into this horribly ill-concieved production, I knew that I was too invested to stop watching but would regret every moment of the next hour. I stuck it out and, yes, I did regret every moment of the second hour.Even if you are a fan of late-night, beer-soaked trash TV (like me), this isn't worth your time and will make all but the dimmest of people angry with all the horribly weak plot developments. Worse than the worst Three's Company episodes you'll find yourself screaming over and over again about how, if they only just acted like they were as smart as they were supposed to be (re: 3rd graders), non of the characters would act the way they do.SPOILERS: Why doesn't Chris Noth call the FBI instead of 911 (he must have a toll-free number for that)? Why doesn't the pigeon just shoot the guy from T2 at the crucial moment (even the worst James Bond movies weren't so lame)? I could go on, but the real question is, Why doesn't everyone who ever gets into a pickle in this movie do anything to get out of it -- when it's so easy to get out that pickle and staying in it is the hardest thing to do?Totally frustrating, every character totally hatable, totally nonsensical in every way, this is the only movie that has ever inspired me to actually register with IMDB to make a comment. As a big fan of bad movies, I have to say that when I read reviews like the one I just wrote, I usually want to watch the movie. PLEASE, this is the exception. You will be so bored. Easily the worst TNT movie ever made.Mr. Noth (executive producer, lead actor), what the hell were you thinking? I can't help but think how you've sabotaged your own career.