Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (2008)
In the countryside, the boy Alan and his friend Becky steal a creepy wooden box with a powerful voodoo stick inside from his voodooistic neighbor. When the boy draws with the stick, his drunken father is attacked by a snake and vanishes. Years later, Alan and Becky are married to each other; while planting some flowers to celebrate the death of Alan's mother, Becky finds the box buried in the garden and she keeps the stick in her pocket. Meanwhile, five friends are traveling in a monster truck, drinking beer. The driver accidentally runs over Becky, but believes he had hit an animal. When Alan witnesses the hit-and-run and sees his wife dead, he uses the stick seeking revenge against the youngsters.
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I don't keep my ear close to the hippity hop rap circuit. But wasn't DMX once respected and respectable? Hard to imagine when appearing in crap like this. Obviously I enjoyed it, it had a poor CGI monster, some terrible acting and some of the worst lines I've ever heard. However, even bad has been done better. Unlike Komodo, Carnosaur 3 or Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, I wont even bother rewatching this one. At least, not for a while. If you love your monster movies, and have gone through the regular SyFy channel schlock, you may consider giving this a view."I'm sorry about your wife but that was an accident. You drew us to death, that sucks."
well nobody will ever read this review, but WOW worst movie ever! This film might be studied by archaeologists in the far distant future. It would serve humanity right for it even being possible to finance this "film." The most vapid bunch of frat boys and their bowhead cohorts I have ever seen disgrace celluloid. You can feel the stupidity bubbling from the swamp it is set in up through the "actors" and right on up to (hopefully) the ruined careers of the director and producer. The subplot involves a man whose wife is killed in a hit and run accident by the idiot cast. He finds them to exact revenge, but 10 minutes later one of the sorority girls is yelling at him because he is bumming her out by not being overly concerned about his wife's killers being bumped off one by one. Everyone involved in this travesty really needs a giant snake to eat them to make sure they can never again waste the money that a film student with any talent at all could have used better
In the countryside, the boy Alan and his friend Becky steal a creepy wooden box with a powerful voodoo stick inside from his voodooistic neighbor. When the boy draws with the stick, his drunken father is attacked by a snake and vanishes. Years later, Alan (Louis Herthum) and Becky (Lisa Arnold) are married to each other; while planting some flowers to celebrate the death of Alan's mother, Becky finds the box buried in the garden and she keeps the stick in her pocket. Meanwhile, five shithead friends are traveling in the monster truck drinking beer. The driver accidentally runs over Becky, but believes he had hit an animal. When Alan witnesses the hit-and-run and sees his wife dead, he uses the stick seeking revenge against the youngsters. Later Alan regrets the use of the Kulev stick to bring Lockjaw to seek revenge and decides to help the teenagers to kill the serpent. The lame "Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent" is a terrible movie, with a story that is a rip-off of the storyline of "Pumpkinhead" (a redneck that seeks revenge after the death of his wife (instead of son) by reckless teenagers from the big city) with a snake that recalls "Anaconda" with "Aligator" head. Most of the lines are laughable and near ridiculous and the CGI effects are very poor. My vote is three. Title (Brazil): "Magia Negra" ("Black Magic")
Alan Cade (decently played by Louis Herthum) conjures up a giant lethal snake to bump off the five teenagers who accidentally killed his wife Becky (a regrettably brief turn by the appealing Lisa Arnold) with their jeep. It's up to special ops vet Nick Kirabo (an extremely flat and wooden performance by rap singer DMX) to stop the gigantic reptilian beast before it's too late. Poorly directed by Amir Valinia, with slack pacing, highly variable acting, tin-eared dialogue (sample line: "You guys are total porklines"), laughably lousy CGI effects (the snake resembles a huge brown lump of excrement), a grindingly predictable plot (it's very easy to figure out who's going to live or die), and a limp and unexciting climax, this sour lemon of a dud crucially lacks the necessary trashy vigor to rate as a fun bad movie. Worse yet, the majority of the teens are grossly intolerable and obnoxious tools: Caleb Michaelson as the jerky Kurt, David Pullman as the equally repellent Clayton, Victoria Vodar as slutty blonde bimbo Ashley, and Derrick Denicola as annoying skateboarder Winston are all so utterly hateful that you just don't care what happens to them, thus negating any suspense this picture might have had. Since most of said characters drink booze and make out, they're obviously dead meat from the get go. Only Wes Brown as nice guy nerd Kelly and Lauren Fain as the sweet Sam offer some light relief. You know a film is exceptionally lame when the hot chick keeps her top on during the obligatory gratuitous simulated sex scene. A complete wash-out.