Satanic (2006)

A teenage girl (who appears to be 30) is in a nasty car accident, loses her memory, and is placed in Harmony House with other "problem kids" where she begins to recall a past riddled with Satanic imagery and Ouija board fun.This film is truly awful. The opening scene is ruined by a horrible actor who reappears multiple times throughout the film, repeating the same lines (variations of "what did you do, Michelle?") and coming across as the worst actor in history. His presence, along with the way the director felt the need to splice his scenes in, really killed any hope this movie had of being good.Also, the film really drags. The same things happen over and over again. The flashbacks get on my nerves like you wouldn't believe, and even in the later parts of the film where the mystery begins to make sense, it's really stupid and tedious.I really wanted to like this film. It has horror movie legend Angus Scrimm, as well as icons Jeffrey Combs (one of my idols) and James Russo (who coincidentally also co-star in "Blackwater Valley Exorcism", see separate review). It has a shower scene and one of the hottest girls in horror history getting it on. And two teenage boys who I thought were pretty funny, arguing over a video game in what I could only describe as 1980s Atari commercial style. Yet, it fails miserably.Scrimm is okay, and Combs does fairly well as the detective (and why wouldn't he?). But neither has a role with much depth or range. Combs first appears in a scene where he has maybe two lines and 30 seconds of screen time, and I was quite worried they had used him just to put his name on the cover. While I still suspect this, at least he returned later on for another few minutes. Who are these people casting horror icons in such pointless roles?There is no reason to see this film. While not as bad as the film "Nine Lives" I subjected myself to recently, it certainly ranks as one of the most worthless of 2006. With this influx of straight-to-video horror I've been coming across lately, I expect a lot of crap... but seriously, who are the people greenlighting these projects? Is this the time for me to make a directorial debut?

I liked this DVD and feel like it is better than people are giving it credit for. Not a bad story, the acting is fine and the effects are brief but well done. Nothing special here but better than most straight-to-video horror features. The couple that runs the halfway house are a hoot and unfortunately a fairly realistic duo. I found a few laugh-out-loud moments in the video and the catch at the end which I can't reveal here mirrors a recent real-life event. Wonderful to see horror greats Jeffery Combs and Angus Scrimm in this. Would love to see them in more horror movies. They are under-used here but still do a great job in their roles.

I would rather see Herbert west versus the tall man.This is stupid. I'll give you 10 reasons: 1. The star of the movie (as stated in the opening credits "Starring Jeffrey Combs" first) is in the movie less then 10 minutes total. (I'm glad because Jeffrey Combs deserves much better then this).2. The movie also states that Angus Scrimm has a cameo appearance, which he was in it more then Jeffrey Combs, who is the star, which makes no sense.3. The Lady playing the mother, I don't think she was acting. I think she was drunk, and wanted a bon-bon. They probably paid her in bon-bons.4. The main actress doesn't belong in a movie. Anyone who falls down on a card board box for no reason and cries "I killed them" doesn't need to be in a movie. They need to be in a circus. This lady must of got this part for the promises of becoming famous in exchange for personal favors.5. There are about 2 good special effects, and they were good. The part where it spells out the name DIE was extremely fast! It was much cooler then the rest of the movie, so was the split second of a flying skull stone. But if thats the best a movie has to offer....6. What is the point of connecting the ladies high heel and the guys eye? 7. Driving Miss Daisy is a faster paced movie. The cover is misleading! Don't buy the hype, the picture of monster on the backside is one quick scene. There is never an eye on a pentagram like the cover shows, and Jeffrey Combs & Angus Scrimm played small rolls.8. The actor playing Larry who is the best actor of these no names, is killed off for some reason.9. The foster dad smokes herb and laughs at a movie of people being killed on TV. The evil satanic witch demon child has a sack of herbs in her room. This kind of approach reminds me of Reefer Madness, and wasn't even appropriate in the 60's.10. The main action of this movie consists of smacking someone up side the head with a plastic toy skull stone in the name of demons.This is what happens when fans of movies like Reanimator and Phantasm don't push hard enough for sequels. Bring a phantasm 5 or a re-animator 4, or make um battle...Never put Angus scrimm and Jeffrey combs in a stupid movie like satanic again! Whoever made this movie needs to be reanimated and phantasm ball in face over and over.

This movie has it all: terrible acting, cinematography, scripting and so on. Simply painful to watch. The actors appear to be freshly from an under-funded over-acting school for over-30s who want to portray under-20s. Annie Sorell (Michelle) was particularly guilty here.Eliza Swenson obviously wants to be a great actor and apparently attempted to model her role on Angelina Jolie in Girl Interrupted. But falls miserably short, possibly because the role doesn't have much face time, but more likely a lack of talent.It was interesting to see the character "Commander Shran" from Star Trek Enterprise playing the role of detective here. Strange looking man - makes it obvious why he fits the role of blue painted alien so well. (No he isn't a blue alien here, that was his better suited role in Star Trek)There is way to much exposition; characters sitting there explaining or telling long stories when a nice little flash back or story scene would have been great. Instead we are given two mediocre unenthusiastic actors giving a recount of unnecessary detail. The editor must have been on holiday.The frights aren't frightening. The horror isn't horrible. Suspense is never built. Even the nude scenes aren't enough to save it. However this is an excellent movie for film students to see how a bad movie is made.Bleh, waste of time.