Shanghai Surprise (1986)

There is no reason to struggle with justifications, nor to reach for words to describe such an amateurish, hackneyed, stilted, banal ... well, there I go. Just suffice to it say that it is completely understandable why the talented Mr. Penn reportedly chose to stay drunk for every shooting day of this miserable, limp, pointless ... you see where I'm going. However bad you remember it to be, you must re-see it to believe it. Madonna is the worst American actress of all time without peer. The only thing she's done on film that is worth seeing is Evita (a music video) and "Desperately Seeking Susan" (in which she has little dialog and rolls her eyes a lot).

One of the biggest history flops. Why? It's not easy to answer. Madonna has just become the queen of pop thanks to her top-selling album "Like A Virgin" and she has already been considered a hot actress thanks to the huge success of "Desperately Seeking Susan". So everyone was waiting for her next step. The following album left everyone breathless: "True Blue" became her greatest success ever selling over 23 millions copies, but her next movie was going' to be one of the biggest flop of movie industry. Her partner was Sean Penn, then her real life partner ( they got married the previous year), the director was the legendary member of The Beatles George Harrison, but the movie was a disaster since the beginning: she described it as a surviving test, 'cause weather conditions were terrible and paparazzi were always following them ( Madonna and Sean Penn) wherever they were going. She states: " We were very disappointed. We want to make a love movie, they cut all dramatic scenes and make it an action movie. They have cut all my best scenes, my character seems to be without personality now". Sean Penn said to his friend Chrissie Hunde: "Please don't watch it, as you're my friend and I don't want you to watch it". For all those thing, I recommend it!

OK. So someone took an A-list actor and his famous singer/ part time kind of-sort of actress wife and decided that the movie would be carried on the weight of the names alone. Substitute "fiancee" for wife and one has Gigli.But it is not- it is Shanghai Surprise, possibly the most ill-conceived movie of the 1980's (and yes, I have seen "Hobgoblins.")This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Ridiculous plot, painfully bad acting (Madonna as a missionary? She didn't buy it either, so she says her lines in a flat tone which just screams "get me out of this costume and get me my check"), cinematography worthy of an old episode of "Fantasy Island," lame ending.If, by some chance, you stumble across a copy of this in an unused corner of your local video rental store, call your local hazardous waste disposal hotline- do not rent it.But do not forget that this horror exists. Some people forgot- and thus "Gigli" was born.

Who thought this up? It must have looked brilliant when they got Sean and Madonna in the same movie. Unfortunately Sean goes through the whole movie looking like a kid pretending he's in a movie and Madonna as usual just plays herself, badly. Nothing to see here, move along folks...