To Catch a Yeti (1995)

This is the worst movie on the planet. Without question, it is the sole worst movie the planet has ever seen. If you can call it a movie.I don't think that THING was even fit to be called a puppet. It looked like an ET/Furbie/Yoda/Gremlin (Don't get the yeti wet!), and what's more, it couldn't stop smiling until the end. I probably could've done a better job with a paper bag.The acting was horrible. The only good part of the movie was at the beginning when the assistant rang the bell to make a song. I think that clip would've been a better movie.Honestly, I didn't even watch the whole thing. I fast-forwarded through 99% of that excuse for entertainment.The Yeti grinned when it was dying and chewed in a wave motion because of its flexible plastic jawbone. And the people...yeah, feed it oreos and hot dogs! That'll be sure to nourish a random creature from the Tibetan mountains! The green-screen when it jumped was pathetic. Yeti there wouldn't have even gotten through customs on the airport (they'd NEVER check his bags). And when they're going to the Himilayas again, Little Girl just WALKS THROUGH with the Yeti thing! The bag lady doesn't even TRY to stop them! And the whole "I'll be riiight heeeerrreee" poke was pathetic. And 6 months later, while his parents drink pineapple juice with crazy straws, Portly Borat-Boy is still stuck by the road flailing his legs. And those yeti-noises...I swear, I would much rather have my face hacked off than watch that again. Well, actually, I DID get a cheap laugh out of the whole thing.

To Catch a Yeti (1995) BOMB (out of 4) Incredibly horrid rip of E.T. has a big time hunter (Meat Loaf) tracking a yeti only to find it living with a family and beloved by the little girl. Even on a cute kids movie level, this film is quite horrid and comes off more creepy than sweet, which was its main goal. The movie is awful on every level and this includes the performances, which range from bad to suicide worthy. Meat Loaf has been good in several films but he's really bad here. The Loaf goes over the top and his performance is all over the place as if he doesn't know what to do. Chantellese Kent plays the young girl who befriends the yeti and she turns in one of the worst performances from a child actor. The screenplay is all over the place as well and the jokes are way too forced to work. The director apparently realized this was going to be junk because I can't see any signs of actual directing being done.

In the early 90's at the height of the appallingly cutesy direct-to-video Bigfoot kiddie flick craze there had to be at least one equally atrocious and icky-sweet sentimental claptrap yeti children's movie. This disgustingly gooey made-for-Canadian TV tripe starring a hideously wimpy, mewling, lovable'n'huggable emasculated diminutive teddy bear version of the Abominable Snowman scores a definite 10+ on the Vomitably Adorable and Overextended Cinematic Stinko Scale. Burly rocker Meat Loaf snarls it up something grumpy as Big Joe Grizzly, a cocky big game hunter who's hired by an evil multi-millionaire to capture a yeti for his spoiled brat son. The yeti eludes Big Jake's clutches and stows away on a plane that flies to America. The singularly charmless Chantallese Kent portrays the sickeningly twee little girl who befriends the yeti, whom the lass names Hank. Big Jake and his bumbling assistant Blubber (the supremely annoying Richard Howland) nab Hank and take him to New York City. The little girl goes to the Big Apple to get Hank back. Bob Keen, a special effects make-up artist whose credits include "Hardware," "Monkey Boy," and the "Hellraiser" films, made his unfortunate asleep-at-the-switch directorial debut with this ghastly offal. From the uniformly dire acting to the dreadful (markedly less then) special effects to the teeming surplus of stomach-turning heart-warming goo to the awful soundtrack of mawkish pop-slop tunes, "To Catch A Yeti" qualifies as anything but a good catch. The absolute celluloid dregs.

Folks, I am a movie buff. Not just that, I am a BAD MOVIE buff. And a Tolkien nerd. Therefore, few are as worthy to comment on this movie as me, Captain Worthy-riffic. This is the single worst piece of art ever.I have seen 'The Stupids'. I have the scene where Christopher Lee says 'Release the Drive Bee' on my computer. I have graphed Costner's slow decline into the abyss. My Jamaican roommate and I have had many discussions into the actual net-worth of Billy Baldwin, and found that we could pawn him on the black market for several Eagles, if both the Eagles and the Eagle-seller didn't know what a movie was. But we can all agree, there is not a work in humanity worse than 'To Catch a Yeti'. Granted, it tries hard, although I have assumed it was made by a sadistic epileptic ferret, the only explanation. I can forgive the fact that you can see the strings controlling the Yeti, which was almost certainly bought in the discount bin at K-Mart. I can forgive the fact that you can see the outline of a city building in the background of the scenes where the explorers are in the Tibetan mountains. And I can forgive the fact that I am considering dropping out as an English major, because any language that can take it up the tailpipe with dialogue like this probably won't survive much longer.BUT I CAN"T FORGIVE THE HALF AN HOUR WHERE THE HUSBAND OF THE HOME ON ANY-STREET USA BERATES HIS FAMILY BECAUSE HE THINKS THEY STOLE HIS PUMPKIN PIE. MAY DEATH FIND THIS MAN SLOWY, PAINFULLY, AND PREFERABLY IN THE TALONS OF A MAJESTIC EAGLE.Remember Folks,Do not meddle, In the affairs of Dragons. For you are crunchy, And taste good with catsup.