Robo Vampire (1988)

Tomas Tang launches yet another cinematic stercolith onto the bewildered general public in this absolutely insane Robocop inspired/hopping vampires/action/love story(!!!) Well, to describe the end result as not making any sense would be a gross understatement; In fact, watching this you'll very quickly find yourself rendered mouth agape in gormless disbelief as the random on screen events flash by before your bleary eyes! But, let this not put you off viewing this cinematic mess, for despite the completely nonsensical nature of it all, it is strangely captivating in a very bizarre way....much akin to being hypnotised in fact! So, what the hell is exactly going on in this? Well, in all honesty your guess is about as good as mine and I've just only just finished watching it! From what I could discern, the story centres around a bunch of drug smugglers who take the unusual step of employing a corrupt Taoist priest/sorcerer to resurrect vampires in order to stash their drugs inside them(!) But wait, for it gets even more bizarre! One of the vampires raised called the 'Vampire Beast' (on account of the cheap fx gorilla mask the relevant actor is wearing), is the ex lover of a lady ghost who shows up, none to happy that her boyfriend is being used so thus preventing the two of them from passing to the afterlife together. So what does the word 'Robo' in the films title pertain to you might ask? Well, in yet another bizarre plot tangent, an American agent is killed by the Vampire Beast and is brought back to life as a cheap looking Robo-Cop clone in order to battle the forces of evil. Yes, this is truly bewildering stuff that really needs to be seen to be believed.......the only trouble being that even whilst watching this, you STILL won't believe it!

This astoundingly abysmal piece of unmitigated schlock rates highly as one of the single most sublimely stupid and sidesplitting kitsch hoots I've had the pleasure to watch in quite a while. An evil drug lord uses a bunch of rot-faced hopping vampires to retain his power. Narcotics agent Tom Wilde gets shot and killed in the line of duty. He's brought back to life as a lethal and unstoppable cyborg who looks like he's been wrapped from head to toe in bright shiny tin foil. Meanwhile a macho meathead mercenary guy battles dope dealers in the jungle who have abducted a beautiful blonde babe agent. Boy, does this jaw-dropping dreadful doozy possess all the correct so-utterly-wrong-that-they're-paradoxically-right stuff to qualify as a real four-star stinkeroonie: fumbling (mis)direction, priceless dopey dialogue (favorite line: "Kill the priest, quick!"), ineptly staged shoot-outs, hilariously horrible dubbing, plentiful gut-busting over-the-top chopysocky fight scenes, broadly drawn characters, horrendously hammy acting, a silly romantic subplot involving the head vampire guy who can fire sparks from his fingertips and a sexy ghost girl wearing a semi-transparent gown (said sexy ghost girl is obviously doubled by a man during her more strenuous fight scenes!), a generic hum'n'shiver synthesizer score, outrageously gruesome, yet tacky gore, a rambling and barely coherent narrative (this flick is clearly two separate movies which have been sloppily edited together), a nonstop frantic pace, and a seriously messed-up story that clumsily combines elements of horror, action, martial arts, crime thriller and even comedy into a spectacularly ungodly brew. An undeniably awful, but often uproarious and always immensely entertaining serving of infectiously inane celluloid lunacy.

This is hands down the worst movie I have seen in my life. It tore at my fragile sanity. Now, I gotta warn you, there's some spoilers in here, if you can call them spoilers. I like to think this movie was filmed in real time and actually happened because something like this can't be written. It defies logic.So drug dealers get a zombie wrangler to summon zombies, and this "anti-drug agent" tries to hunt them down but dies, or so we're led to believe by the abysmal face paint applied to him. He is brought back to life as an android wearing a suit made of silver oven mitts and wearing a helmet that doesn't fit. If I was brought back as an android that looked like that, I'd empty my clip into myself. But wait! There's more! See, one of the zombies (who inexplicably wears a gorilla mask) is in love with a ghost.And some other stuff happens. I can't really remember. My brain blocked it out to save me from the horrifically bad imagery. The "zombies" shoot sparklers at the anti-drug agents. Yes, sparklers. I must admit, though, the cover on the DVD makes me laugh a lot. It shows Robocop in a pose that can only be described as lovingly holding the zombie wearing the gorilla mask.

If robo vampire doesn't make you laugh till you cry then you have no sense of humor. Everything about it is so bad, it begs for you to watch again to catch even more plot holes, or at least a couple more laughs.The movie claims to be about some drug agent who gets killed and is then reborn as a vampire-fighting robo warrior. But really the movie revolves around a plot about a kidnapped(and somehow beautiful) female agent named Sophie, with a robotic story planted on. Everything is purely cheese in this movie. Robo-Warriors' costume looks like something you'd see in an elementary school play. He fights vampires that do everything but suck blood( they hop, they appear out of the ground, they shoot fireballs out of their arms). A third subplot about a half-naked ghost chick is completely confusing and terrible. The best part is when the blonde haired female drug agent Sophie jumps out of a window from enemies, and her stunt double is clearly a gray haired man in a dress(!).On top of all of this you have to remember that the only reason that there are vampires in this movie is because the drug dealers hired them!I don't care what anyone says, movies this bad should be cherished, and MUST be seen to be believed.