Corporate Affairs (2008)

I am writing this as I am watching this halfway through. I really do not know if I find the power to finish this, but even If I do not no harm done. The film is flooded with clichés, beyond belief. The actors do not appear to believe a line they speak, the result is almost a parody. The movie is about a programmer being promoted to manager and not being able to cope with it. But the whole storyline is so fictional that none of the stuff it narrates would happen in real life of a programmer aspiring to become a manager. And yes, I am a professional programmer. Its a real shame because some actors are decent in other films they have appeared.PS. My girlfriend just ejected the DVD before seeing the end. No harm done whatsoever.

As I plowed my way through Corporate Affairs, I had to stop the DVD every 20 minutes or so and just walk around for a while until I stopped feeling like my soul was being sucked out through the pores of my skin. This movie isn't just bad. It's vampirifically horrible. The moronically obvious writing and deader than dirt direction of Dan Cohen combine to produce, through some unholy alchemical reaction, an abyss that looks into you and drains away the precious juices of your innards. I've never seen anything that was simultaneously this lifeless and plain yet still so incredibly difficult to get through.Ted Meyers (Breckin Meyer) is a computer programmer who gets promoted to management. His wife (Laura Harris) is happy about it. His fellow tech geek (Adrian Martinez) is happy about it. But after being lured to a suburban sex club and then set out on the road to paper over all the problems with his company's products, Ted is definitely not happy about it. Out of boredom and frustration, he turns to whores. Ted fixates on one who acted like a naughty housewife and meets another who tells him he's an alien with a third eye in his forehead. After the film hits us over the head several times with how potentially dangerous it is for Ted's company to be selling faulty computers, he gets caught in a prostitution sting. That leads to a previously superfluous supporting character taking Ted aside and giving him a good talking to. Ted repents his ways and gets a happy ending which no character has ever deserved less in the history of human storytelling.I've seen some terrible movies. Misbegotten abortions so foul they would make you doubt the existence of a kind and loving God. Until now, however, I've always felt up to the task of telling you just how wretched they are. Not with Corporate Affairs. Both my vocabulary and my grammatical skill is insufficient to describe in even the most general of ways how truly hideous this film is. I would have to go to your house, rub your naked body with sandpaper, wrap you in tinfoil and stick you in a slow roasting over for 6 hours to convey to you what it's like to watch this movie.I want to give you some specifics, so here goes. It starts out like the dullest and most poorly conceived training video on corporate ethics ever created. When it delves into the world of prostitution, everything is so emotionally and practically ignorant that you long to get back to the shudderingly dreadful training video stuff. Breckin Meyer is such a cinematic void that no one who sees Corporate Affairs would ever again hire him to be in any movie, TV show, play or commercial. No one who sees Corporate Affairs would even let Dan Cohen work security on any movie or TV production.If I was forced to watch this film once a day, every day, for the rest of my life, I don't think I'd last much longer than 2 months before I gouged out my own eyes and punctured my own ear drums. If they somehow found a way to keep beaming it directly into my brain, I would cut out my own heart with a nail clipper. I honestly thought about not taking the DVD back to the store. I'd melt it down and pay any penalty as long as I could be sure they wouldn't simply order another copy.Please, please, please, please, please don't watch this.

Seriously this movie had no redeemable qualities other than a few gratuitous sex scenes. The story was flat and uninteresting. The production quality was terrible. The musical score was absolute garbage. The characters were terrible. Do yourself a favour and watch Gigli instead as it's probably more interesting than this movie. You can probably watch the whole movie in 20 minutes by hitting the fast forward button and still not miss anything. It's the story about a guy who gets a promotion to VP and plunges into a world of infidelity - sleeping with women in every city he travels too. It's about as exciting as watching paint dry really.

Let me say, I have never been against so called low-budget movies. Quite on the contrary I prefer them to high quality 'bunch of great special effects' movie.That was one of the reasons to watch Corporate Affairs for me. But the movie turned out to be a complete disappointment for me. The story was not of a really great deal: rather quite banal and boring Hollywod lifeline. The movie discusses usual western values: family, career, money, faith, fidelity and ability to keep all of them.Initially I tended to like the plot: I believe, it's quite promising. I hoped that it would be full of contradictions and conflicts between bosses and employees, money and fidelity, family and vices.But all those ideas were just neglected. There was no fight, no conflict. I lost my interest after approximately 30 minutes. Seemed that trying to learn the best 'movie tricks' from Hollywood and adopting it in the picture authors just made another stock low quality drama.