The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

Plot; In the year 2005, the war between the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons comes to a head when Unicron, a planet-sized Transformer, intervenes seeking the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.In the late Summer of '86, with my interest in toys waning and my interest in girls increasing (couldn't bring myself to say waxing in this context), I ventured into the air-conditioned comfort of Cinema North Five and watched what may just have been the denouement of my childhood as Optimus Prime is killed in favor of the next wave of Transformers toys. Over the years I've -rewatched a few episodes of the daily animated series, and as a collector of 80s toys I've recently purchased a G1 Sideswipe and Optimus Prime for my collection, but I had never re-visited Transformers: The Movie. My memories of the broad strokes remained, but the finer details (such as they are) were vague. I obviously remembered the death of Optimus Prime, I had been spinning the rock-infused soundtrack since the earliest days of MP3s and I knew that at some point Orson Welles showed up and ate a planet. What I didn't remember was that the 85 minute movie is almost non-stop action, that Prime isn't the only beloved character sent to the scrap heap and that the movie is a lot of fun.Not merely a standard episode blown up to feature length, the animation here is quite strong and of cinematic quality. The tone is also decidedly darker than the weekday series, with death and destruction on full display with no cheats. There's even a swear word or two. Adding additional gravitas are some familiar names (and their accompanying voices) such as Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Judd Nelson and the aforementioned Orson Welles. Set to the tunes of its rockin' soundtrack, Transformers: The Movie is a fun, fast-paced film whose original intent may have been to push the next wave of Transformers figures, but is in retrospect so much more. And it's better than any of Bay's increasingly nonsensical action catastrophes by a mile.

I really wanted to rate this one higher, really, I did, but there are just one too many things holding this movie back for me to call it anything more than "above average".The first main issue with this movie is how it mistakes "kill a whole bunch of people off" for "dark". There's a lot of character deaths in this film, most of them happening to characters that aren't established well enough for them to have much emotional meaning. I know, this was made for fans of the show, but this is also a feature film. It needs to stand or fall on its own, and fall this film does. Kinda hard.For the main problem with the film, you see, is tone. This movie goes from mess-your-drawers planet-eating monstrosity to kick-ass 1980s opening song in an instant, and the tonal whiplash HURTS, man. Then there's the moment where Galvatron walks in and he doesn't just MURDER, Starscream, he turns the dude into ash and then crushes the crown he was wearing, all from a blast with that Hanna-Barbara "shyoomp" sound effect attached to it. I get that it was something on the show, but this goofy sound instantly sucked all the menace out of Galvatron. Tell a good story first, appease raging fanboys like myself LAST. Finally, the story itself plays more like a three-part episode from the show than a movie. After Optimus's death, the movie just meanders from scene to scene with the Autobots trying to evade Galvatron while working their way towards their home planet Cybertron in order to stop Unicron from eating it. There's a lot of popcorn action, but roughly half of it involves. Shoot, the good guys only learn Unicron's name by sheer coincidence, in a subplot that's completely disconnected from the main one, on some planet with some kind of weird law system where the innocent are put to death and... I have no idea what happens to guilty, nor can I fathom it. Point is, that whole detour, again, comes off like the plot to a filler episode rather than a plot beat of a movie. Oh, and Unicron's defeat is a complete deus ex machina. His opponent never even fights him proper, he just opens this Matrix of Leadership thing and then Unicron blows up. Makes you wonder why previous Autobot leaders didn't go out and do that, you know, BEFORE Unicron set his sights on Cybertron.On top of that, Unicron himself manages to get progressively less threatening as the film goes on. When he starts, I was genuinely frightened of him as I watched him devour the screaming inhabitants of a planet and grind them up into primordial soup to power his veins. And then he wet himself when he realized he'd sent a tyrant off to collect the one thing that could destroy him, and then he transformed into his robot form and proceeded to get his eyes blown out and his head blow off, all while systematically shrinking as the animation severely downsized his scale in contrast to the "normal" sized Transformers. He had his moments, and he was certainly a threat worthy of a feature film, but overall I felt he was squandered in the end.By all rights, I should find this movie pretty forgettable. Outside of Galvatron icing Starscream, the death of Optimus Prime, and the sheer pants-darkening terror that was Unicron's first scene in the movie, there's nothing to this for me to really keep. I'm not a G1 Transformers fan. I grew up watching Armada and later checked out Transformers Prime, and this movie banks pretty heavily on its audience already being fans.That is, except for one thing: THE MUSIC. Holy crap, this movie has a soundtrack to rival the likes of Star Wars and Highlander in its sheer, magnanimous badassitude. As Team Four Star proved in their Bardock Abridged special, you could stick some of these kick-ass hair metal tunes over any kind of action scene and they would fit like a glove. Unicron's medley as he prowls across space and eats a planet is equally frightening as the scene itself is, and Optimus Prime's death is sold almost entirely on the music. Prior to that, Prime had maybe 2 scenes and no substantial character moments to speak of, so there's nothing to get attached to in the movie itself.I'd rate this movie as merely "above average", but this soundtrack is so awesome that I can't in good conscience rate it any lower than I did. If you're not a Transformers fan, just skip the movie and put on the soundtrack. I wasn't lying when I implied that it's one of the best movie soundtracks I'd ever heard.

Perhaps it's due to time and perspective, but the Transformers 1986 animated movie is a big breath of fresh air - compared to the Michael Bay films, of course. Yes, this film is noisy and busy and it has a bunch of characters who, if you're not previously familiarized with them, may go by at times in a blur. And actually, no not kidding, there is a Transformer named Blurr by the way, who of course is the fast-talking robot. But besides the point, this is a movie that is very naked about it being from a TV show, itself taken from a line of toys. It's not there to be very deep and doesn't pretend to be, though it has a couple of oddly ballsy moves that I'll get to in a moment. It's there to entertain boys ages 5 to 10. And that isn't one of those trivial points; the age distinction should be listed on the side of the tape like on the side of an action figure or video game console.The plot... oh sheesh. So the Autobots have to fight the Decepticons (duh), and this time there's a, also no kidding, a giant Transformer that is basically a giant, spherical AI that eats planets. Or maybe Unicron IS a planet, or a planet made of artificial intelligence, I don't know, but this thing is coming after, well, everything, and it becomes a thing where even Megatron, the ostensible villain, is groveling at Unicron's, uh, not-feet. So the movie becomes a series of action scenes to string along this thin story, also involving a Transformer named Hot-Rod, who we can kind of distinguish because there's a little boy (the only human I think in the film) who is by its side when an attack happens on Earth.This is thin stuff, but it shouldn't be about the plot, right? The downside of course is that there IS a lot of exposition to get through, not at all times but frequent enough, and while, unlike in the Bay films, I can tell the robots apart visually I got lost when it sometimes came to just remember such-and-such's name. Of course the gaggle of celebrity voices does help things, and some of them are character actors (very memorable ones to boot): Leonard Nimoy, Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Lionel Stander (ever seen Cul de Sac?), Scatman Crothers and, wait, Casey Kasem was in this too(!) You can remember who some are since they are so distinctive, and Nimoy actually does a really memorable job as Galvatron, the "upgrade" for Megatron. I think, anyway.The one that makes the film almost notorious in a weird way is Orson Welles. This was the end of the line for the man who started in movies as Charles Foster Effing Kane. It's been said that it's the sort of bottom low for someone of his stature to hit by the (what wasn't known as) the end of his career at the time. And yet, call me crazy, but Unicron was one of the most fascinating parts about the whole movie. Yes, it's a kids movie involving fighting robots in space - and all the better that it barely takes place on Earth - but the concept of a gigantic robot, so massive that it has the impending doom of the Death Star from Star Wars, is a cool and curious piece of intelligent 'what-if'-ness.Though it's ultimately put to use for a 'Transformation' by the climax, I liked the idea that other robots, all robots, and worlds, would have to submit to this giant force, or what's called in psychology and philosophy as the "Big Other." It also just looks cool in the movie, and has depths and dimensions and designed parts that make it wholly stand out from most of the Transformer characters, who all have blank faces. At least Unicron, for as much as you might mock the name or its purpose to just consume, is distinctive and fits that out-there, science fiction cum comic book ideal. And Welles, albeit with an added post-production growl to his voice, does the character a deadly kind of presence that works as a performance.If only I could actually care about some of these situations, or if the script was just a little more focused; the section with Optimus Prime early on is the exception, which seems to come as a big 'Oh Wow' moment story-wise - taking out one of your main characters for what one almost assumes could be the end of the movie (all scored to "You Got the Touch" in epic fashion). It should be noted this was a 'bridge' between seasons 2 and 3 of the show, so this might have been an even bigger deal if one was attached to the cartoon. Just taking the movie on its own terms, it's a fairly bold move - maybe too bold considering the scope of the rest of the production.What else does one remember after the fire and fury of a movie like Transformers? Maybe the Sharktocons (sic) who have an appearance that brings out chuckles? Or how it's unmistakably Eric Idle as the one Transformer with a mustache and, of course, doing improv? Or the soundtrack (80's hair metal glory). A lot of this story is so light that it just barely makes up like three or four episodes connected of what the show would be, and the quality of the animation varies between having genuinely impressive and creative designs and effects, and looking just on level with all the other 80's animation of the period (Ninja Turtles and, to an extent, X-Men come to mind). But here, again, because of how the Transformers are designed, you can't exactly get too wrapped up in any of their features, just their voices. It is what it is, though it carries a certain charm I can never say the new Paramount productions carry.

It's 2005. Unicron is a planet-sized robot devouring robot planets. The evil Decepticons are in control of their home planet Cybertron while the Autobots try to mount an attack. The Decepticons ambush an Autobot shuttle. The Autobots are drawn into an all-out fight from the Autobot City. Optimus Prime and the Dinobots arrive. Optimus is killed in an ultimate battle with Decepticon leader Megatron. Megatron is severely damaged and Starscream takes over command of the Decepticons. Optimus passes the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to the new leader Ultra Magnus. Megatron is casted off and found by Unicron which transforms him into Galvatron. Galvatron travels back to Cybertron where he destroys Starscream and takes back command of the Decepticons.This is basically the Saturday morning cartoon extended into an hour and a half while killing off a lot of the Autobots. I'm going to be a little bit cynical and a lot realistic. They wanted to get rid of the old characters so that the kids could buy the new toy figures. The story is a mess with very specific goals. It's out with the old and in with the new. The story doesn't flow as much as rambles on and on introducing new characters or new forms of old characters. It's an important film but only for fans of the show.