The Horde (2016)

This move does the unimaginable: It magically teleports a man, a man who'd normally be named "guy you'd see dressed in all cameo doing karate moves in a forest with a bunch of his friends in a no budget movie" guy, it teleports him into a mediocre horror movie that is mostly made of filler shots. Every time our hero talks to anyone, it reminds of Tommy Wiseau's The Room with its awkwardness. Every action the guy performs to advance the story seems to plod along at a nearly infinitely slow pace because of the sheer mundanity of the tasks. Even the task of asking someone if they want a drink is enough to put you instantly to sleep. Strangely, when he's not in the shots, which is actually a pretty reasonable amount of time considering, the movie actually chugs along reasonably well. The other actors have some tinge of personality and range, and the camera-work is good, so it just skips along merrily. Until the moment our hero arrives to do the equivalent of throwing the emergency brakes on a train. The evil guys are convincing, though some of the mystery is lost when half of our hero's moves resemble what a 12 year old would learn in karate class, with its silly forms and such. It's as if the movie was made in spite of the guy, but more likely, a magical thing occurred, it's a fish out of water story, forest kung fu dork guy forced to act in real movie. The music in this movie is very odd too, during non-dangerous scenes there's sometime this repeating diddy of doom going on threatening something which never comes. The hero kicking ass sometimes gets these weird scores which sound like they're from a very patriotic anime. Just when you think you can't handle the hero anymore, the movie actually grabs you back in and keeps you wondering what's coming. Are the bad guys cannibals? Are they mutants? What are they going to do with the girl? While we know how it's all going to get resolved, quite stupidly obviously, we kind of want to know WHAT'S getting resolved. At one point after a fight some guy yells "that was like something out of a video game!" which makes sense because our hero looks like he learned everything he knows from playing too much FarCry on his Playstation 4. The kills are good, so I give it a 3.

I was listening to the Rich Eisen one afternoon and they had an old school ex-49ers Matthew Willig on discussing his part in Concussion. After watching his performance in Concussion, I went to IMDb to see if he was in anything else.Seeing that he was in The Horde I decided to rent it and I was pleasantly surprised (not much of a horror guy). As an older guy, it was a blast to watch Paul Logan kick a little hiney.I will say, those damn Hillbilly's had amazing make up. It reminded me once again why you do not want to canoe down the Cahulawassee River with banjo music playing.These crazy creepy guys we amazing and really gave me nightmares.Well done!

"The Horde"--not to be confused with a 2010 release from France (known as "Le Horde" (and not to mention a MUCH better movie)--is yet another reply of a teenagers-die-in-the-woods movie. Paul Logan plays John Crenshaw, a one-man wrecking crew and overall bad ass, who accompanies his bride-to-be, and her students on a photography field trip to Sapphire Mountain to complete a school project. You have your typical stereotypes in the lot: the couple who just need to get a room, the virgin, and the so-obnoxious-he- needs-to-die-immediately person. Seems the kiddies and their chaperons run into a group of badly made up goons while on the trip. Mayhem ensues, people die, and no one really cares. Of course, you cannot just off these characters. They all must suffer. One is cannibalized (while alive), one has her hands nailed to a table and then is repeatedly raped, one has her head bashed in against some rocks...well, you get the picture. Starring in this really bad movie are Vernon Wells, the original bad ass from the original "Road Warrior" movie, Costas Mandylor, who played in a billion of the "Saw" movies (yet still cannot act his way out of a paper bag), and Bill Moseley, who has about as much acting ability as a turnip. Paul Logan goes around with his shirt off quite a bit, and poses tons for the camera.Garbage and not recommended. Rated "R" for graphic violence, rape, brief nudity, and language. The only thing this movie had going for it was the teenagers actually LOOKED like teenagers.

As far as a horror movies go this isn't all bad. Yes it's killer hillbillys plus some torture porn thrown in. Yes it definitely follows the numbers of the killer hillbilly genre. However the Rambo hero played by Paul Logan who is a terrible actor really lets the whole thing down. OK we have all the annoying teenagers going camping in the woods you usually get in these sort of movies but let's face it watch these movies for the killers right. This is where this movie rises above we have Vernon Wells(Commando,The Road Warrior) Costas Mandylor(Saw Franchise) Matthew Willig(Year One) plus more as our bad guys. These guys aren't the Wrong Turn type of killers but escaped cons holding up with a few locals in the woods. The movie plays out more like an action movie however and this is where it goes wrong. Our hero slashes his way through the cast of baddies with ease therefore taking out any sort of tension the The Horde tried to build. I have to blame the director for this because they had good actors not given enough screen time(Bill Mossely as a bartender, Nestor Serrano as a cop what a waste) so Paul Logan can flex his way through. To sum up not the worst out there but far from the best.