Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (1988)

"Deathstalker 3" is a film that is completely unavailable on DVD for some reason, and is solely remembered for its one redeeming feature-it made for a great MST3K episode. The film is dominated by its main character, the mythically unappealing Rogue/Redneck dual class "Deathstalker" played by John Allen Relson. Deathstalker fails at both stalking and making his enemies dead and mostly wanders around with some whiny women looking for the mythic Mexican city of horse dung and cheap stucco. His opponent is the dreaded bald guy "Troxartes", who can bring dead people back to life as unhappy jobbers about 9174384328637743 centuries before TNA Wrestling did the same. The movie's only somewhat appealing character is a throaty vegetarian gal who appears for only five minutes but informs the audience that POTATOES ARE WHAT WE EAT. This was particularly tragic as I'm sure the film's production budget would have bought some nice steak fries if they had decided not to make it. Nevertheless, there are actual (terrible) fight scenes and (stupid) things happen, making it slightly superior to Carnival Magic.

I saw the first Deathstalker years ago and what I saw was certainly cheesy, but a fun film nonetheless. Had some decent kills, a monster type thing and loads of nudity! Well, never saw the second entry in the series, but I did manage to see this one which is the third thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000; however, from what I have seen presented, I will not be trying to dig up that second film. My guess is that like a lot of sequels pre-1990, the budget to both sequels began to shrink! They also did not care much for continuity in films as much back in the day as Deathstalker is played by a different actor each time in the first three films. The guy who played it in the first film, would return to reprise the role in the fourth film. Cannot believe they made it that high considering how uneven the series seems to be. The first one had more of a barbarians and savagery feel to them, while this one seems a much lighter tone and is more middle ages. The start of the film reminded me of the video, Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Deathstalker himself, this time looks more like he should be some guy's sidekick rather than the leading man and he is a lot more heroic than he was in the first film too. That one in the first film did a few more unsavory things suffice to say.The story has Deathstalker at some sort of lame festival that is interrupted by a dude in a bat helmet and his troops. Deathstalker soon finds himself in the middle of a quest to get two stones together so that he may find a city of near limitless treasure! He runs afoul of a princess on her way to marry a man who is also looking for the stones so that he may have more power, though he already has a hot chick and controls most of the land anyway. This man unleashes the warriors from hell of the title, but they do not figure into the plot as much as their placement in the title suggests. Lots of bland sword fights ensue as Deathstalker only need wipe his sword across someone's stomach to kill them! This made for a funny episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I really do not think they could have even attempted the first film. Sure, they mostly likely edited out the racy parts for the show for this episode, but if you did that for the first film, you would literally not have enough film to fill an episode of MST3K. It would be one of those episodes with two shorts. The violence and nudity were obviously scaled back immensely for the third film as this one ran the entire episode and is only 86 minutes, meaning only about 10 minutes had to be cut out.So, Deathstalker is back, played by a different guy and is a bit weaker than he used to be. You have the Warriors From Hell, in the film, but all they are, are a bunch of dudes in a bit of makeup to simulate that they were back from the dead. You have a villain that is not very opposing at all and you have one of his henchman who looks like they were going for a General Kael from Willow look, but he ends up looking rather idiotic in his bat helmet. So this is what replaces the ton of nudity and the awesome Minotaur monster man from the first film? Weak; however, not a weak episode of MST3K.

This wouldn't have been as bad if they had a tighter script, better actors, a good director, ANY kind of lighting, a plot, etc... But for me, by far the worst offense is that a large group of the supporting actors stay in character "Who dares trespass the halls of mine castle!" then there are a few of the main characters who felt they had a good handle on how to portray their character, Deathstalkers reply to the above inquiry: "Hey, I'm lost, I'm just trying to grab some grub." This is mildly paraphrased, but you get the idea. Later, when speaking to a group of warriors that are supposed to be zombified and commanded to kill Deathstalker they suddenly start a conversation. When DS asks them to switch sides and fight for him (since their master is an evil jerk) one warrior from hell says "We cannot turn uponst our master, he controls our very souls!" Not a bad reply, then the next zombie ads "yeah, he's got 'em in a jar back at the castle" in much the manner of a bored co-worker telling you about their weekend. This stinking movie is all over the place. It's pretty fun with MST3K, otherwise, get plastered before you attempt this.

You know, I admit to enjoying Krull and the Beast Master movies and most of Arnold's Conan films. But this movie was bad, like a rotten potato. The MST3k version is barely tolerable. What's up with them ripping off the Dune soundtrack anyway? Hopefully they paid for the rights. I got to wondering for a while there if our potato girl would start whispering her thoughts out loud to the audience. Of course, I doubt it would have mattered, even Lynch couldn't have saved this turkey from the Bay Watch-like charm of its star.