Red Zone Cuba (1966)

As others have said, this is Coleman Francis' (inspired by a bad acid trip?) attempt to do "Treasure of the Sierra Madre," which itself has its roots in Chaucer's Pardoner's Tale: ruthless criminals end up double-crossing each other and nobody really wins. Unfortunately, that sort of thing works only if you care about the characters or at least are curious to see what will happen next. I can't tell one character from the next, except that (as everyone else has pointed out) the main guy looks like the guy from the Three Stooges. As for what happens next, I can't tell what ALREADY happened, and I'm still watching it, courtesy of MST3K. I think they threw in the Cuba stuff just because it seemed timely in the '60s. Other than that, this movie seems like a bunch of random chase scenes and shoot-em-ups from other movies tossed together. The Stooges guy choking the one who keeps talking about his long line of Kallikak ancestors is Charles Boyer freaking out at a blind beggar in "Algiers," the MST3K crew picked up on the hiding- from-the-cops scenes cribbed from "The Defiant Ones," the chick associating with the men who abandoned her wounded husband is out of GOK how many films noirs. If you want to see a movie where random amorality actually works, watch 1972's "Bad Company." I've clicked the Spoiler option, but I'm not sure there's anything to spoil. NOBODY knows what's going on in this film.

"Griffin...ran all the way to hell...with a penny...and a broken cigarette." Coleman C. Francis' last installment to his notorious film trilogy is Night Train to Mundo Fine, also billed as Red Zone Cuba. Night Train to Mundo Fine (pronounced "Finé", in which Francis also starred as well) is an American drama film telling of the meandering adventures of three mercenaries caught in the Bay of Pigs Invasion. After directing such bombs such as 'The Beast of Yucca Flats' (1961) and 'The Skydivers' (1963), this film, as the other two, still hold their prominent places on IMDb's Bottom 100. This final entry, like the others in the trilogy, have nothing in common with each other, except all use preoccupation with light aircraft and parachuting, coffee and cigarettes, which serve as prop or a center of conversation, and a vigilante-style gunning down of suspects without a trial to conclude the film as frequent motifs. With a minimal budget of $30,000 and shot entirely in the general Santa Clarita, California, (as per his two films) what could possibly go wrong? Francis' films have often been criticized for their abysmal production values, repetitive plot devices, murky picture quality and stilted acting. Critics have characterized his films as among the all-time-worst, even suggesting that he may surpass Ed Wood in terms of ineptitude. Would this film had been better off had the train not left the station? Let's take a look.'Night Train' opens with a young reporter approaching an old train engineer (John Carradine, the only big name in this picture) about three men--Griffin (Francis and the narrator), Cook (Harold Saunders) and Landis (Anthony "Tony" Cardoza, of whom also produced and played Castro)--of whom hopped his freight train back in 1961. Carradine must have wanted out pretty fast, because this is the only time we see him throughout this monochrome drudgery. He does sing the theme for the opening credits, performed by Ray Gregory and the Melman, but that's it after that. Griffin, a hulking escaped convict, joins up with Cook and Landis when the men are sitting down to eat in the desert while pointing a gun at them. A police officer arrives to question the men as Griffin hides in the brush. The office informs them to watch for Griffin of whom has $5,000 on his head. Upon his leaving, they know they can't turn the towering brute in due to having him kill them, so they allow the lug to travel on their sojourn in earning money to fight in Cuba. They go to a man named Cherokee Jack, (George Prince), and they trade in their truck for $35 in return for a flight to the war-torn communist country. Once there, the man get captured and become prisoners of war. They abandon their superior officer Bailey Chastain (Tom Hanson), although he begs for them to take him along with them. He desperately informs them of his family's mine back home, of which contains pitchblende, tungsten and other precious metals. They trio manage to escape through a window after Griffin strangles a guard. Stealing one of Castro's planes, they flee to Arizona. Once on American soil, the threesome partake in throwing diner owner Cliff Weismeyer (Charles F. Harter) down a well and Griffin creeping up and grabbing the blind daughter (Elaine Gifford), tearing her away from sitting at the facility's tinny piano and strangling her on a bed. The gang then steal Cliff's car and hop a train. Post engaging in a variety of crimes, the threesome finally make it to Chastain's home as they and his wife (Lanell Cado) head towards the mine the following day. Eventually the law catches up with them. Cook and Landis both surrender, Griffin refuses to go down without a fight. A shootout ensues and he dies in the desert sand. 'Night Train' is an hour and a half and feels like to longest ninety minutes I felt as if I ever had to sit through in a long time. It was almost as testing as sitting through 'Manos'. At least this film had the audacity to have a plot, which kept my interest a little more than 'Manos' did, but not so much. Everything in this film is practically filler and stretched out to unbearable lengths. We see the three men in uniform amongst some other soldiers running on the beach, walking along trails and scaling ledges. We witness executions in the Cuban prison camp, though we have no emotional connections to these anonymous souls being shot as we were just introduced to them. And for a film entitled 'Night Train to Mundo Fine', the train itself is barely in this picture. On December 17, 1994, 'Night Train' appeared on an episode of MST3K. It was the second of Francis' films to be featured on the show's sixth season, following 'The Skydivers' and preceding 'The Beast of Yucca Flats'. Francis received notoriety due to these televised spots and as a result of their appearing on the show as well. Cherokee Jack even went later on to appear in The Office episode 'Threat Level Midnight'. 'Night Train to Mundo Fine' is indeed a train wreck, meandering more than the characters on screen to an unbearable, lengthy extent, metaphorically derailing over an unfinished railroad bridge ascending over a hundred plus feet of gulch. And Coleman C. Francis, director and conductor, went down with it. He passed away at only age fifty-three due to cardiovascular disease. Though arteriosclerosis was listed as the official cause of death, Cardoza said that his body was found in the back of a station wagon at the Vine Street Ranch Market with "a plastic bag over his head and a tube going into his mouth or around his throat". Though he did make two more bad films before passing, 'Night Train' stills remains as a loud whistle blowing in homage to his terrible craft.

I saw the MST3K version of Night Train to Mundo Fine, aka. Red Zone Cuba, and the jokes weren't that funny, leaving me to focus on the movie. This movie is bleak, insanely boring and very, very confusing, despite its seemingly simple plot. I went to Wikipedia while watching this movie to understand what was going on. (The Wikipedia entry didn't help much either.) The dialogue is revolting and the movie is plagued with constant close-ups on the "actors", along with a stupid but confusing plot and characters and scenes that seem to blend together. Not even worth seeing the half-decent MST3K version. What angers me is that in the plot description, it says: "Gritty neo-noir art film about escaped convict Griffin and his friends, who ran all the way to hell... with a penny, and a broken cigarette." Art film? Seriously?

Through watching MST3K, I have also come to view a lot of really, really bad films. Manos, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians ... they even inspired me to watch Plan 9, which is widely considered the worst movie ever created.But nothing can be compared to when I sat watching the episode featuring the Coleman Francis movie, "Red Zone Cuba". I soon came to understand that this was no ordinary film. I came to know that this was truly the worst movie ever conceived.There is no plot. The dialog is 100 percent incomprehensible and incoherent. The acting is pretty much the worst you can imagine. The editing is equally horrible. The cinematography seems as though they just got a random kid on the street, stuck a cheap camera in his hand and said, "Here, point the camera this way for us." From the moment the characters start talking and interacting, you know you're in for a bumpy ride.The only thing good about the whole movie was the fact that is was so terrible. I don't know if Coleman Francis thought it was funny to waste his money like this, or if he truly thought this would be a good film, but either way, he achieved some kind of all-time low for film-making.But I warn you to watch it only on MST3K. I don't know what might happen to you otherwise, the movie stinks so bad...