Red Zone Cuba (1966)

After watching the entire film reading the information on the interweb I still don't know what happened! the dead girl gets the guy with torn pants? what would you say at the end of this film,if the big guy quit smoking? was the helicopter ride to the other side of the street necessary? how and why could the bay of pigs be involved? why was a mine in the desert involved? the list of tools didn't include a pick! who buys a car with a stolen class ring? how does someone open up a radiator cap without a rag? the Cuban refugees were boat people from the 80's the film fore told the future? the black hatted men with rifles were FBI CIA angry American business men? a dog farm is that where my dad took my fluffy? did someone forget to story board the train scene? the chase scene? the three days after leaving Cuba? how come some cat in a gray hat showed up at the end of this movie to tell us about the contents of the smokers pocket? do you think the guys could have bought a guart of oil with that penny?

So there are good bad movies (plan 9, attack of the giant X monster movies) and then there are bad bad movies, like this one and Manos. The bots do some justice to these movies but what makes them just terrible is that absolutely nothing happens. Yes, the editing is beyond the pale, music sounds like it came out of a greeting card, the script is non- existent, and the acting is terrible and dull. We all know this, otherwise it won't be on MST3K. What makes this movie truly stand out is, like Manos, nothing happens for about an hour. You see cars moving, something about a truck being sold, pawning a gold ring, murdering some random person with a blind daughter, a "for rent" sign, and these are the memorable parts of the movie. The unmemorable parts involve wonderful song scenes of driving, flying, driving, climbing up somewhere not Cuba, flying, driving, sleeping, smoking, and more driving. Who could possibly forget the memorable and thrilling scene of buying some sandwich makings before getting into a car? If this reminds you of 10 minutes of random fields as credits roll by, it should.

I saw the MST3K version of Night Train to Mundo Fine, aka. Red Zone Cuba, and the jokes weren't that funny, leaving me to focus on the movie. This movie is bleak, insanely boring and very, very confusing, despite its seemingly simple plot. I went to Wikipedia while watching this movie to understand what was going on. (The Wikipedia entry didn't help much either.) The dialogue is revolting and the movie is plagued with constant close-ups on the "actors", along with a stupid but confusing plot and characters and scenes that seem to blend together. Not even worth seeing the half-decent MST3K version. What angers me is that in the plot description, it says: "Gritty neo-noir art film about escaped convict Griffin and his friends, who ran all the way to hell... with a penny, and a broken cigarette." Art film? Seriously?

Do you know what's worse than a movie directed by Coleman Francis? A movie directed by and starring Coleman Francis. I simply cannot imagine anyone watching this thing without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary. I'm a fan of "bad" movies, but Red Zone Cuba would be too much on its own. A nonsensical plot involving a Cuban invasion, the worst acting imaginable, and editing that looks as if it were done by monkeys are just a few of the "highlights". I defy anyone to find a frame of this movie that in some way isn't flawed. Every moment presents a new and even more amazing decent into putrid film-making. I cannot see giving this abomination anything higher than a 1/10.But, with the MST3K commentary, Red Zone Cuba becomes absolutely hysterical. I laughed so hard during the film's second half that I had tears in my eyes. I'll put this episode near the top of my list of favorites. Episode #619 gets a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale.