Santa's Slay (2005)

So it turns out that Santa was originally a demon given birth by a virgin impregnated by Satan himself. But he got captured and forced to obey a geas after he lost a curling match against an angel. Yes, a curling match. But now the time is up and it's time for Santa to be unleashed once more.And you know what, that could be fun. Crazy Santa walking around just slaughtering people in holiday themed ways. Blood, guts and violence galore in the best B-movie manner. And the movie certainly tries. But it just doesn't have the spirit to pull it off. It feels more tedious than fun. The gore isn't particularly memorable, the Santa is pretty forgettable (which should be an impossibility), the supporting cast is even duller and there just isn't enough blood and excitement.The hard fact is that I fell asleep while watching this film. I had to rewatch the ending the next day. And if you have a film where a demonic Santa slaughters people while screaming Ho-ho-ho! at the top of his lungs, and you still manage to fall asleep, there's something wrong with the film.I shall forget this film.

This is a awful movie. In this movie Santa Claus is a demon and he goes around on Christmas eve killing people. This movie is awful. Do not see it. I think it is supposed to funny. But is it not. It is sick. And sick is not funny. Stick is just stick. This is one of the worst horror movies ever. The story line is awful. It is just a pile of pooh pooh. This would never have been made. Do not wast your time. Do not wast your money. Do not see this awful movie. It stinks more then pooh pooh. It is the most poopy of the pooh. It is just pooh pooh. Pooh pooh, pooh pooh, pooh pooh, pooh pooh. I can not believe they made this pooh. It is popular pooh. Which is a good thing. Because I hate when pooh pooh like this is popular.

This movie is just awful like black coal in a Christmas stocking. I guess, if you don't take it serious, it's a bit watchable, but I just can't hide from the truth that this movie has a really dumb low brow comedy. Directed by David Steiman, Santa's Slay has a killer Santa Claus played by former professional wrestler, Bill Goldberg who every Christmas come down from hell to kill the wicked. It's like the movie took its plot from the TV Animation Show Futurama's 1999 season, episode 4 'XMAS Story' or seem a rip-off 1984's Silent Night, Deadly Night. It's interesting that Bill Goldberg was pick to be the evil Santa Claus in a way, because Goldberg came from Jewish heritage. So, it was no surprise that some Jewish people find the movie offensive, due to the film portraying one of them as a Christmas hating Satanist. I think the majority of Jewish people that work on the film see it as a light-weight dark comedy that both mocks Christmas, and the negative stereotype of the Jewish people. Not only does Santa Claus kill a Christian pastor Timmons played by Dave Thomas, but a lot number of Jewish character actors such as Saul Rubinek, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. Honestly, I don't know why the talented James Caan is in this movie! He could had done better. I don't know what the movie is trying to say with the over the top origins of Santa Claus here. In the movie, apparently, Santa is the Anti-Christ, produce by the result of a virgin birth by Satan. Just like Jesus on Christmas, Santa acts as his enemy. Somewhere around 1005 A.D, Jesus & God defeat Santa in a bet during a curling match that sentenced Santa to deliver presents on Christmas for 1000 years. First off, curling match? The sport wasn't even invention yet, and from all the weird sports you can pick from, you pick the most boring sport in the world for your movie. Does anybody find curling funny? Anyways, after 1000 years, Santa is free to kill again in 2005 of the time this movie came out. The movie does awkwardly use a lot of Christmas, and Satanist puns to give up the point that the settling for this film is in a town call Hell Township. Lot of Christmas references in this film. The jokes are so juvenile, that even a 5 year old can get it. There isn't really much to guess, as they put it out there for everybody to laugh at. They even had a scene where a grandma get ran over a hell-deer AKA reindeer to hint that they were making fun of that Christmas song. The movie does use a lot of stupid toilet humor and dick jokes. The tongue in cheek humor in this movie is really dry. Lot of out of the blue, cursing doesn't make any of these jokes in the movie, any funnier. Honestly, even if my eggnog was spiked, I really doubt I would find this movie as funny. It's hard to find this movie as scary. Bill Goldberg wasn't one bit scary nor funny. Bill Goldberg was never a good actor nor a good wrestler as well. His limited talent really shows in the film. He can barely move due to his large mass, and he's doesn't speak much, besides one liners. The movie even hints the wrestler persona of Bill Goldberg, by showing him do the Jackhammer on somebody and quoting 'Who's next?'. As a wrestling fan, it's kinda cool to see that, but also takes away from the real story. It's really hard to cheer for anybody besides the killer Claus, because the main character Nicolas (Douglas Smith) is somewhat selfish and immature. His acting is so wooded that it burns to listen to him speak. It like watching a log cracking in a fireplace while your nuts is roasting on the open flame. Talking about nuts, the movie has a guy taze there. The kills are so over the top cheesy that it borderlines cartoony. The special effects are just awful. It's so fake looking, that even pro-wrestlers are like pointing it out. There is some female characters in the film, but they serve nothing to the plot beside being a love-interest to the annoying male character, and for others, background nudity. I'm not Santa, but they can sit on my lap, anyday. In my opinion, there was some optimism that a good Christmas horror movie would come and sadly this was not that film. There was much to work with the material, like how Santa is spelled with the same letters as Satan, but the movie barely use anything. The movie could had, gone into his mind, and explain why he is evil. The years of being in the North Pole running a sweat shop elf based enterprise could be interesting. Only if the movie was a bit longer. 78 minutes is kinda short. For a B-List movie, it isn't that bad, but pretty dumb. Anyways, the movie leaves open to a sequel if they really wanted to. Unlike a Christmas list, I wouldn't be checking this twice.

Gathering up some Christmas themed titles to watch,I stumbled upon an X-Mas themed film that my dad had recently picked.With being keen to kick off the holiday season,I decided that it would be the perfect time to see Santa commit some deadly sledging.The plot:1000 years ago:Witnessing the local town being completely destroyed,an angel decides to place a bet against the son of Satan (called Santa) over a sporting contest,where if he wins,Santa must stop making the 25th of December a day of terror,and instead make it a day of joy for the next 1000 years.Being a betting man,Santa accepts the wager.Catching him completely off-guard,Santa is given the shock of his life,when the angel beats him!,which leads to Christmas Day becoming a day of joy for the next 1000 years.1000 years later:The present: Christmas Eve-Hell's Town.Getting dropped off by his girlfriend Mary"Mac" Mackenzie to his uncle's house,Nicolas Yuleson gets prepared to spend another dull,and present- free Christmas with his uncle.Hearing loud noises come from his attic,Nicolas discovers that his uncle is building strange looking machines,for what he claims will be a day of terror.Initially thinking that his uncle has truly lost it,Yuleson soon discovers to his horror,that this year,Santa coming to town,will leave to him bringing a deadly slaying with him.View on the film:Despite relying a bit too heavily on having some old people swear in order to give the movie some cheap laughs,debut writer/director David Steinman (who spent 5 years trying to get the movie made!) keeps his blood splattered sleigh moving at a lightning fast pace,thanks to carefully balancing a joyful mix of smooth sentimentality,quick'n deadly Horror Comedy,and a wonderfully dark X-Mas Fantasy element.Creating a chilly Christmas atmosphere by covering the movie in bloody red and icy breath,Steinman also shows an eye for style by brilliantly using stop-motion animation to show how Santa got force to change the day of terror,into a day of joy.Giving Santa a murderous mouthful of "Bar-humbugs" Bill Goldberg gives a wicked performance as a less then jolly St Nick,with Goldberg delivery each of the black hearted punch lines with a real relish,and also hitting the blood dripping Horror scenes with a real force,as Goldberg reveals this Santa to be one who you will never want to send a letter to.