Out Cold (2001)

I don't usually do this, but one actor in this film has captivated me so much, that I am going to write an entire review strictly about him. His chiseled facial features and rippling biceps provide a good case against anyone who thinks that Michaelangelo stopped carving fine marble. And his hauntingly beautiful voice is one for the ages, one that plummets deep into the soul of man like some sonic Magic School Bus and penetrates your soul like only Dirk Diggler (and the man himself) could. His presence on the screen is not just magnetic; it causes you to re-evaluate your life. I am of course talking about the one, the only, Derek Hamilton.After seeing this movie, I went to my doctor. He informed me I have 7 broken ribs due to intense laughing, and occasional guffawing. He informed me that if I watched the movie again, I may quite possibly die. But I did not care. I watched it again that very night. I woke up in the intensive care ward of the hospital. The doctor told me I would never walk again. Reader...it was worth it.But there was something else, something deeper than spine-shattering laughter present. It seemed that any time that Derek was not on screen, I fell into a deep depression. My doctor prescribed me zoloft, paxil, but it was no use. There seemed something humanely wrong with not putting this man-- nay, God-- in every single frame of film, and it is the only reason the film is not receiving a 10 out of 10 rating. There is no conceivable reason the credits did not consist of him sitting in a chair reading out names. He could be sitting on the can and it would still be more riveting than the Cuban missile crisis.His portrayal of Pig Pen is the most accurate performance I have ever seen. It has been reported that Marlon Brando died of pulmonary fibrosis. In actuality, he saw Out Cold, and after witnessing the incomparable majesty of Derek's performance, realized that all his method acting training was a gargantuan waste of time, because nothing he had even done had ever caused such cinematic exuberance. He died of a broken heart.I could go on...but I will not. Because every second you spend reading this is a minute that could be spent witnessing the single greatest performance in the history of celluloid. It is said that Stephen Hawking created a time machine, and traveled through wormhole in time when he was 21. When he arrived in the future of 2001, the first thing he saw was a movie theatre that was playing Out Cold. He watched the film, and after doing so, decided to scrap all of his projects, and devote his time to figuring out how Derek Hamilton's performance was so magnificent. He soon lost the use of his arms and legs. You do the math.

This film came highly recommended to me, and now I have to question everything this friend of mine says in the future. This movie most closely resembles "Wet Hot American Summer", except that it's at a snowboard resort in Alaska, rather than some summer camp. It is equivalent in so many ways, but most importantly, in the fact that neither is all that funny, and the story is boring.I sat through the end of this thinking it had to get better. Oh, it did. Well, it tried. For about three minutes before the credits rolled, they showed some bloopers. It's snowboarding, so there were bound to be a few wipeouts. These would have been better on America's Funniest Videos with a voice-over, background music and sound effects. Yes, even Bob Saget voice-over! This is rated PG-13, but I think a PG would have been fair. No cussing, NO NUDITY (even though plenty of situations called for it), no drugs, and did I mention a boring story? Don't get it for the kids, but DEFINITELY don't get it for the grownups.Save yourself time and trouble and skip this. It presently gets a 5.4 from IMDb.com and there is a reason. See the "If you like this we also recommend" Rat Race movie. THAT's comedy. Van Wilder is funny. Porky's, Eurotrip, and Office Space. I could go on.Walt D in LV 12-12-05

I first saw this movie with a fraternity brother at 3a.m. after a night of heavy binge drinking and thought it was pure comic genius. After watching it sober, I still have to agree with my first impression.I love this movie. It is one of those movies you can watch over and over again and laugh at all the jokes every single time. The jokes, while occasionally crude, are funny and silly. The snowboarding action and footage is also really cool, and my buddies and I watch this movie in the evenings before we go snowboarding the next day for motivation. I think its also a very down to earth to film with the setting being very blue collar.Some of my favorite characters in the movie are the old guy Stumpy with his well intentioned but incorrect rantings and the feuding brothers and the pranks one plays on the other when he's passed out. My favorite scene would have to be the house party scene If you liked Out Cold, I think you will like another Jason London film, Dazed and Confused. In these two films he plays very likable characters who are leaders and friends with everyone.

OK, this film is not going to win any awards for best acting, or best cinematography, or best picture for that matter. However, this film will make you laugh. It will spend about a buck ninety of your time in a very guilty pleasure sort of way. It revolves around a town in Alaska, a ski town, that is about to encounter a shift from a peaceful, secluded atmosphere to a bustling, main stream atmosphere. Our heroes are the snowboard instructors who have to save the day from a irritating, stereotypical land developer. Putting aside the obvious overtones of similar movies of this genre, and dispelling some predictability you really can have a good time. The jokes are funny, the characters have some witty dialog and the story moves briskly. The only drawback for me was the inept love story, but that was balanced out with some good jokes derived from it. It's no Schindler's List, but is a worthy addition to a home library or just a rental on a Friday night.