Laser Mission (1990)

OK...so let me get this straight...an American went to cuba to talk to a scientist because the russians were trying to make a nuke out of a diamond and a laser...so he drives in a vw hippie van to Africa...where the hell did the Germans come from?!?!?! That one guy got IMPALED by a SPIKE? thats the best you could come up with? and whats with the one random ninja? and why wont that one guy die...and where did that horse come from? and wait....were we supposed to think that cuban chick was a dude before she got wet?...really? needless to say...this is the single funniest movie i have ever seen. easily one of my favorite comedies ever. I honestly cannot think of a single movie I've laughed harder at, a B movie lovers delight

**SPOILERS** Even though the film "Laser Mission's" main storyline is supposed to be about this super secret laser weapon that can knock planes and ICBM missiles out of the sky the only laser we get to see in the film is a crude blueprint of it. What we do get to see a lot of is busty Debi Monahan's, as veterinarian and part time secret agent Aissa, very hefty cleavage that "lift's" the film's watch-ability a few notches-or bra sizes-higher that it normally would have been.Basically the movie has to do with this German scientist Prof. Braun, Earest Borgnine, who's knowledge of laser weapons is so extensive that the USSR, who within a year of the films releases would go completely kaput, wants to kidnap him and have the professor work on and vastly improve their secret laser weaponry. If successful this would give the "Evil Empire" the edge over the USA in a future world war that its in fact preparing for.With the CIA getting soldier of fortune, for a cool million bucks, Michael Gold, Brando Lee, to rescue Prof. Braun before the Commies get their hands on him Michael instead ends up getting captured, together with the professor, by them. That's when Michael went to see Prof. Braun in the Communist controlled African People's Republic of Kavango. Set to be executed-via guillotine-as a CIA spy the very next morning Michael makes his escape with the greatest of ease single-handily taking out almost the entire rag-tag Kavango military that was guarding him. Getting in touch with Prof. Braun's "daughter" Aissa at a local Kavango animal hospital the two join forces to save the professor who's now in the custody of Nazi-like German mercenary Eckhart, Werner Pochath. It's the creepy and head-collecting Eckhart who's working for Soviet-controlled Kavango government as a free-lance assassin.The movie start to fall apart almost as soon as it begins in not exactly knowing what its storyline is supposed to be all about. Michael & Aissa end up on the run, after finishing off whatever is still left of the Kavangen Army, in the desert region of Nimibia being chased by an assembly of assassins that includes a Ninja and overweight and over the hill racehorse jockey. It's later in the movie when the two rescue Prof. Braun that things really start to get out of hand with the Russian in charge of this whole rescue, in getting back the professor, mission Col. Kalishnakove, Graham Clarice, makes his presence known.***SPOILERS*** Despite Michael and Assia's attempt to put the what seems like indestructible Col. Kalishnakove away he alway seems to come back from the dead making you, as well as Michael & Aissa, wounder if in fact he's human at all! The film finally and mercifully ends in grand style with not only it being blown sky high and the bad guys getting it but in finding out just who exactly Prof. Brauns's daughter really is! As if by then, or any other time in the movie, anyone watching was really interested in who she was anyway!

Diamond + Lasers = Nuclear Weapons?This movie was the best movie, it was love at first sight. Right from the get-go it had me hooked. The movie starts out with a sensational series of opening credits, displaying the massive arsenal of themes, motifs, and symbols throughout the movie.The setting of this movie I'm not really sure of the location, it must be somewhere in Africa/cuba/Russia/poland/Germany/.....??? er... just ignore this paragraph.Why is this movie great? The action was sooo intense, the entire movie was random shooting and getting more weapons and shooting more. It reminded me of a Bond Shooter game except with less plot. The climax of this movie is when the information is released concerning the female sergeant's gender.In conclusion this movie contains: -edge of the seat action -more explosives than the fourth of july -one line wonders to knock your socks off -random killings/ninjas -Effective transitions connect the movie. -Random slapping of Manuel. -What?.... you're still reading this? -Just get the movie someway or somehow! -warning no mooses are involved in this movie whatsoever.(this movie is in public domain, search for it!)

Brandon Lee actually made it to superstardom? Me thinks perhaps the only reason is that he was killed during the Crow. Laser Mission all but proves that there is no talent. Everybody in previous posts are raving about Lee's wit and one-liners - me I played "what stupid thing is the writer going to have Lee say next", and watch Lee blow any sense of timing, delivery, or style. Like Spiderman with a concussion he blows perfect chances to hit lame oneliners and they plop out like a lead fart. Saying that I actually liked the Boris and Natasha knockoffs who were supposed to be some Cuban/Russian/African soldiers of fortune, and really wished there were more shots of them.Unfortunately Lee was not the only rotten part of the movie. Borgnine must have had sunstroke to sign on, and Monihan - though giving us a couple nice shots of her flesh covered pasties, and her on again off again bra, couldn't act her way out of a tele-evangelists healing stage. And isn't Lee supposed to have been some sort of Kung Fu master? The martial arts in this flop consisted of synchronized falling down and explosions in the distance.The ending supposedly tied everything together after killing the psychotic bad guy about a jillion times. He deserved it for uncuffing Lee, me I would have placed a slug between Lee's eyes the first chance I got and saved the world the last 30 minutes of this flop.My suggestion - stick with watching Daddy Lee, and let Brandon's movies grow mildew in the dungeon's of the rankings.