Firebird 2015 A.D. (1981)

Full disclosure: I watched this movie because I saw it on "The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made" DVD, so I was looking for a bad movie. I was hoping for some campy, 70s/80s post-apocalyptic fun, like Warriors of the Wasteland, or numerous other low budget movies from around the same time. This thing, however, was not bad in a fun way, but bad in a horrible and boring way. So, if you're looking for "so bad it's good", this is not the movie you seek.You get the basic idea: it's the distant future (of 2015), and gas burning cars have been outlawed. This was supposedly done because there was a fuel shortage, but of course it was really just a way for the Evil Government to control the people. These laws are enforced by the "Department of Vehicular Control" or DVC, and they're resisted by a colorful cast of characters who live in the desert and conserve gas by driving the the lowest mileage cars possible. They're not trying to start a revolution or anything, just driving around in the desert having fun. They're called "burners", which is actually the most interesting thing in the movie. I really think they might have come up with that name and then tried (unsuccessfully) to write a movie around it. The DVC are roughly as good at their jobs as the stormtroopers in Star Wars. The burners drive around in broad daylight through the open desert, surrounded by hills, kicking up clouds of dust that could be seen for miles, and talking on CB radios, but the DVC still seems to only find them by complete accident. Also, like the stormtroopers, they can't hit the broad side of a barn with their guns.Doug McClure is the head of the local DVC patrol. He's conflicted about his job and trying in vain to control his subordinates, who have a tendency to get get all murderous and rapey when left to their own devices.The burners aren't really organized, but they all defer to Red, played by Darren McGavin, who owns the eponymous vehicle. He lives in a secret location, which appears to be the only building for miles around, but of course the DVC is unable to find it. The action of the movie is precipitated by the arrival of his estranged son, Cam - played by an actor desperately trying to hide his English accent. That's basically the plot. It's not a spoiler to tell you there are plenty of pointless (and not very exciting) car chases and explosions, and not to expect too much of a payoff at the ending. In fact, it doesn't so much "end" as get to 90 minutes and stop. Perhaps the only amusing thing are their attempts to titillate the audience without losing their PG rating. There's the randy girl-burner, Jill, who has to work ridiculously hard to seduce the clueless Cam. This culminates in a millisecond long topless shot (don't blink or you'll miss it). There's also a weird scene where a female DVC agent takes a very sensual shower - fully clothed! Probably the worst thing about the movie is the soundtrack - a bunch of terrible songs written just for this. I had to turn the sound down every time one started playing. Speaking of music, here's a little bit of trivia: this movie came out the same year Rush released Red Barchetta, which has basically the same theme. Red Barchetta is much better, and of course rock songs don't have to make sense.

I never heard about this obscure piece of apocalyptic Sci-Fi trash before, until I watched a few clips and fragments in a documentary called "The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made", and it instantly looked like something worth checking out. Well, just to safe you a lot of time and trouble: "Firebird 2015" is definitely NOT something that is worth checking out! Quite the contrary, it's a terrible film. Not so much because it says so in the aforementioned documentary but merely because it doesn't make a lick of sense and everything about it just plain stupid. In the year 2015, it's prohibited by order of the US Government to drive around in any type of oil-consuming vehicle. To supervise whether or not all citizens obey this unpopular law, the government founded the Department of Vehicular Control, who naturally cruise around on oil-consuming motorcycles. Their job is to hunt down the so-called "Burners", which is a common term for elderly guys living in the desert and racing around in Firebirds that use up copious gallons of gasoline. See, this could have been the plot of a potentially fantastic post- apocalyptic adventure in the vein of "Mad Max", but instead it became a really tedious, incoherent, unmemorable and extremely pointless Canadian exploitation effort. The film is a big fat piece of nothing, with chases that are lame and car stunts that are embarrassing. It even becomes worse when the script fully begins to focus on the developing love-story between the Burners' son and daughter instead of on the rebellion against the system. The portrayal of the year 2015 is weak and cheap- looking. If you seek thrills and exhilarating vehicle action, you better stick to the original road movie "Mad Max" or one of the numerous wacky (Italian) rip-offs, like "The Atlantis Interceptors", "The New Barbarians" and "Survival Zone".

I love Darren McGavin, but I couldn't make it past the first twenty minutes of this film--and that included a lot of fast-forwarding past the tedious driving scenes. Boring premise, cheesy dialog, and pacing that made me rather watch my clock's hour hand move. And come on--if the hero is going to restore some classic automobile, why would he ever waste his time and effort on a crappy Firebird?! I literally threw away the videotape when I was done. Lucky for me that it was a gift from a friend (who also saw no reason to hang on to it). If you're looking for a silly high-speed movie, watch Smokey and the Bandit or any Steve McQueen movie. There's no reason to waste time with this drek.

Well... This was an awesome movie when I first saw it. Unfortunately that was when I was six years old. So, if you're a six year old looking for a taught sci-fi thriller then this is your movie. If you are an adult looking for a weird reverse-jingoistic slow paced film with a budget that hovers somewhere in the low hundreds then this is your film. This movie is easily categorized as being hard to find for a reason. And despite all this, I want to see it again. On the upside it has a relatively decent quality cast, most of which appear to be mortified by having to take part. And as another poster mentioned, the batcave-style barn is pretty neat regardless.