Andre the Butcher (2005)

Ron Jeremy is after cheerleaders, just not in the way you believe. He's a soul reaper for Satan and in order to defeat him, the body will have to be blessed with a prayer(and holy water)to release him from the bondage of hell..or something like that. Andre was once a nice, church-going fellow who sold his soul after God betrayed him by taking his family in an accident. It's just unfortunate for cheerleaders heading cross country to a contest when they come across Andre. The Beaver(yuk, yuk)Cheerleader Squad, two escaped cons, and a tough-talking sista( the county deputy; with a bad case of arachnophobia) packing a shot gun and attitude will have to contend with Andre.Andre is impervious to death. Bullets are fired at his direction hitting everything but him, in one particular scene. Faye Canada's Deputy Hollingsworth is able to take Andre's arm off with a shot gun blast, but he just staples it back on..reflexes fine, all good as new. He seems to have up, close, and personal camera recordings of his targets, parlaying their "sins" back to them via television screen that is unplugged. Oh, and Andre has a device that cuts off power such as a vehicle which halts our group's plans to escape.Ludicrous plot(intentionally silly, I imagine)allows Jeremy to have all kinds of fun killing folks. I believe this is the first time I can recall seeing a head butt decapitating someone. Or, urine used as holy water! A movie this stupid will have it's supporters("It's not to be taken seriously")and Jeremy will bring the curious to see him wield a machete and butcher knives(he also wears a blow torch helmet!). A running gore gag has a deputy(whose whole lower half is removed)begging for everyone who passes by to kill him, his intestines strewn out on the ground..yep, it's that kind of movie, people. Does include lesbian smooching and camera shots up and down Heather Joy Budner's legs and body(although, I do believe the filmmakers used a body double for her breasts' shots). April Billingsly, the heroine, gets to kickbox Jeremy in the finale so that might interest some viewers. Gene Nash is the old timer hillbilly narrator with a harmonica..you know old folks who use profanity are always funny, right. Some cannibal jokes are included as well as the usual sexual innuendo(notice one scene where Billingsly and Budner discuss virginity and sexual orientation using Vienna sausages).

I saw this little bit of horror with its cast of virtually unknowns (although, one of them looked like a guy I see on a soap opera...but then again, I could be wrong)with the exception for Ron Jeremy. You know what I saw...A horror movie that definitely didn't take itself too seriously....and let you know it from the start (yeah, I loved the Uncle Jesse-type character "tellin' a story"). Good gore effects and it really didn't matter if you rooted for the character or not they were good. In my opinion, if you want to waste an hour and a half and don't mind laughing your a** off, rent it and, oh yeah, break out that popcorn.

I can completely understand other reviews saying it was horrible. The acting and script was ridiculous. There was a random lesbian scene involving chili being licked off toes, peaches and Vienna sausages. The "foxy Cleopatra"esquire deputy used words like Jive Turkey, I'll baste this turkey and sucka also the male cheerleader called people dingle-berries. The convicts called people ass-clowns and they were also ridiculous.Given all that, somehow, I liked it. It was funny and I think (or at least hope) that it was meant to be. I gave it a 4 because it was entertaining to watch on an October afternoon. There certainly are millions of better movies out there though!

The film caught my eye at Blockbuster this past weekend. Being a huge horror/slasher film, I was lured in by the great box art and the blurbs on the cover by so-called horror critics declaring this film "the best low budget horror flick in years." PLEASE!!! I really question how many films these people have actually seen OR how much money the producers of this flick paid them to say these positive things! Believe me folks...this film is A-W-F-U-L!! If you are truly a horror fan, you have probably seen the 80's slasher flick "The Last Slumber Party." This film is absolutely horrendous.....well..."Andre the Butcher" comes pretty close to beating that flick in terms of awfulness.The plot is absurd and centers around a trio of cheerleaders who stumble across the house of a supposed serial killer, apparently called "Andre the Butcher" (I say apparently because absolutely ZERO background is given to the killer or his motives). The house, despite being the residence of an apparent cannabilistic serial killer, is actually quite cozy and tidy. Nothing at all scary about it at all....it could be your grandmother's house, for crying out loud! At least make the house creepy to add suspense!! The stupidity int he fact that the cheerleaders simply go into the house and basically start living there (they were suppose to be looking for a phone to call for help) adds to the stupidity of the plot. Secondly, the acting is atrocious from EVERYONE involved....the cheerleaders are terrible and are quite out of shape and homely. The lighting and direction are strictly amateurish in every sense of the word. There are shifts in the picture color and contrast throughout the entire film. Ron Jeremy makes for a terrible killer and an obvious body double is used for him almost the entire film--it's obvious because the body double is twice the size of Jeremy and wears a silly looking black curly wig.I understand this is suppose to be more comedy than horror, but tell me what is funny AT ALL about this mess? And why try to appeal to horror/gore hounds with the box art when the gore and murders in the film are all very mild and fake looking? And if you can even make it through the opening scene of this film, which is absolutely laughable terrible, you deserve some sort of prize.This is seriously the worst attempt at a horror film I have seen in at least 15 years. Rent if you dare, but don't say I didn't warn you! 0 out of 10.