Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)

Like with Monster a-Go Go and Manos: The Hands of Fate, Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders wouldn't have been known to me if I hadn't seen the MST3K episode. That episode was brilliant in how it tore the movie to shreds and in such a funny way, while the movie was a weird mess. Its one saving grace is Ernest Borgnine, he makes for a great storyteller and deserves a lot of credit for restraining the urge to strangle the boy playing his grandson. The rest of the acting is just terrible though, especially Mark Hurtado as the grandson, throughout he mumbles his way through his lines and even looks spaced out. It isn't just the acting that is terrible about Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders. It looks bad too, too much of it looks like a badly rendered 80s movie, it's choppily edited, the sets lack any colour and wonder and the special effects at best are substandard. If I was honest, my jaw actually dropped when I saw that it was a late 90s movie when it could have easily passed for at least 15 years earlier. There is nothing memorable or original about the music either, it distracted from the atmosphere when it should have enhanced or complimented it and some of it sounded like a really pale imitation of the music of James Horner.You don't care at all for the characters and you never learn enough about them, while the dialogue is atrocious on the whole. Admittedly some of it made me laugh(have you seen my monkey? is a classic), but rather for their ridiculousness and how they were delivered above anything else. Worst of all was the story, it had one sweet moment with the grandson singing to the monkey though even that felt shoehorned in, but overall it was dull and jumped around so much that much of the time it was difficult to decipher what it was about.(it even had a beginning that was so vulgar that it is difficult to put into words) It also had no idea at who it was aiming for, it was too creepy and nightmarish for children(The Devil's Gift segment was derivative of Stephen King but without the suspense, mystery or any effective scares) and adults would find it tame and obviously amateurish(they will also cringe at how maudlin and substance-less the couple segment was). In conclusion, a truly terrible movie that deserved all the bashing MST3K gave it. It is not as bad as Monster a-Go Go or Manos- they had no redeeming merits, Mystical Wonders at least had Borgnine- but that is saying little in its favour. 1/10 Bethany Cox

Grandpa (Ernest Borgnine) is babysitting for little Billy when a storm causes a power outage. Faced with the sudden task of entertaining his grandson now that the TV is out of commission, he decides to tell him a story he'd written years before. It's the whimsical tale of Merlin, the magical wizard who proclaims that he "only wants people to believe in and experience the joy of magic." So of course the obvious thing to do is open a trendy little shop downtown. It's (hopefully) not what the writer had in mind, but nonetheless it immediately becomes obvious that Merlin is (and I quote The Great and Powerful Oz), "not a bad man, just a very bad wizard." Every item that leaves the Mystical Shop of Wonders causes terror and death. Apparently his great powers are useless when it comes to stopping the evil and harm he's 100% responsible for unleashing on the innocent. Despite the nearly non-existent links between subplots, one thing is consistent from beginning to end: every aspect of this story is so wrong on so many levels. No man, woman, child or household pet is safe – not even the goldfish! Seriously, even the most violent movies I've seen usually stick to one pet max! Don't get the idea that this is some sort of graphic horror flick. Not even by a long shot. It's pathetic, lame and ridiculous to the point that it's funny – that is unless you're poor little Billy.As you watch this, you'll be haunted by the burning question: "Why is Grandpa Psycho alone with Billy, telling a violent tale that will likely scar him for life?" But then, alas, he finishes the story with the lamest excuse for a happy ending and tenderly tucks Billy in. Sweet dreams little guy!I typically watch movies like this on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I give that episode 10/10! This line really sums it up: "So evil wins, Grandpa Borgnine?" "That's right, even your tiny soul is doomed, Billy."

"Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders" is too dark to be a children's movie and too cute to be a horror flick. Which makes it perfect "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fodder! An incompetent mixture of "Poltergeist" and any wizard movie, it makes one wonder how they got a great actor like Ernest Borgnine on board. Although the movie has 1996 as its date, a large portion of it looks as though it was filmed at least ten years earlier (a very corny '80s look).As for the "MST3K" version, jokes naturally abound. I don't remember which jeers came from Mike, Servo or Crow, but someone notes that Merlin probably shouldn't ask women if they've seen his monkey! And when the ground starts caving in, one of them declares that Bugs Bunny must have missed that left turn at Albuquerque! Among the famous people who get mentioned are Tom Bosley, Madeline Albright, Bella Abzug and Linda Blair. So just stick with the "MST3K" version and you'll be fine.Yeah, she did look kinda like Julie Hagerty.

Was this steaming pile of crap intended to be shown to children? And if so, why? To give them irreparable brain damage and nightmares? This so-called fantasy film(which is actually a horror film more frightening than some of the intentionally made horror films I've seen)is supposedly about Merlin coming into the twentieth century to open a kitchy little shop in California. With him is his annoying, shrill voiced wife Zarella(and where the hell did she come from, anyway?). The movie is supposed to be a Grandpa(meatily played by Ernest Borgnine)telling his grandchild about a script he wrote for t.v. about this shop. I think this was supposed to be something like the Princess Bride, with the exception of the fact that the Princess Bride is a good movie and this is a cut together mess full of bad acting, horrible costumes, and another early 80's piece of trash movie jammed into the middle because they apparently ran out of money. The first story is about a loud mouthed jerk who writes for a newspaper and his barren, nearly equally shrill voiced wife. He insults Merlin, and so receives a book of magic spells. The whole thing is so that the cretinous idiot can turn himself into a baby that the woman can raise. Huh? Why the hell would she want to raise this guy, knowing what a bastard he'd turn out to be? And since the guy had been her husband, that means, technically, that she'd slept with her own son! Eewww! Of major proportions! After destroying all of his grandson's joy and hope in the world with that first awful tale, Borgnine descends even deeper into the blackness at the heart of the world by telling the kid about an evil little monkey toy that was stolen from Meriln's shop. Here's where the cut together part begins, because the tale of the monkey toy is from another, much earlier movie. And a really bad one, at that, because who in hell would buy an eight year old a birthday present that consisted of a creepy used toy? Every time that the psychotic looking monkey clashes its symbols, something dies. Me, I vote that it should have been Borgnine for telling an impressionable child this story in the first place, but whatever. There are some stupid in between scenes of Merlin wandering around looking like a Renn fest reject while he searches for the monkey. He eventually 'finds' it after the pasted in section comes to an end. I mean, its blatant right there because the 80's family don't notice the guy in the dress with the wool taped to his face in their living room! Then Merlin goes back to his shop with the toy, and that's it. No more tales of 'mystical wonder'. One wonders what would have been next - a tale of a little kid being shoved into a Cuisinart by a cutesy little magical bunny that he'd gotten at Merlin's shop? gah!