Skeleton Crew (2009)

Found this very cheap at a convention so I was alert to see a really bad movie due the price. Luckily this wasn't that bad after all even as many people are tearing this down to the ground. I liked it but you must take it with a smile. Is it a real horror, yes and no. A crew is out at an abandoned asylum to shoot a horror flick. But what they found in the basement are some films with snuff on it. The director is addicted to those flicks and when the shootings doesn't go that good after all he slowly changes into a mad director wanting to make a snuff. And when he finds an 8 mm camera he decides to kill his crew while shooting and making his own snuff.I admit, it takes a while before things go wrong but the snuffs being watched is creepy and does show the horror. It's when the director goes out to kill that the real horror and gore comes in. It's a low budget flick and it shows here and there but overall when you don't take it all to serious it's a rather mediocre horror flick. One to see while necking a brewskie with your friends, and you will all have your smiles but if you think to take this serious then you will hate it.Gore 2/5 Nudity 0,5/5 Effects 2,5/5 Story 2,5/5 Comedy 1/5

a man and a woman are in a car crash , and look to find help,, eventually they get to a "hospital" or so they think, it's really an old asylum , dark decrepit and full of mystery. once there I can't remember which but one of our characters get's helped by the doctor , while the other isn't seen for awhile. after some time goes by, our victim realizes what is happening but it's all to late, the whole staff is in on it... but what our 2 characters don't get yet is that it's a movie being filmed by the staff, they are acting filming and directing a movie of their own, based on some supposedly real life going on at the Sanatarium many years before hand, where there was a doctor that went absolutely mad. if this isn't bad enough,, our director goes into this one room and find some secret footage from the vault, and sees the doctor performing weird surgeries and the like,, and he slowly is transformed into the afformention mad doctor,, I liked the movie it wasn't near as bad as people make it out to be,, it's good campy horror at it's best for a direct to video production.

I wondered why i had never heard of this film and its directors and after watching the film for the first thirty minutes i understood why that is the case. This film is absolutely ridiculous with horrible delivery of the lines, amateur actors and on top of that it has very little plot. The film started of pretty good and it was quite promising but the grin-worthy English accent ruined it. It's so painful and i just couldn't resist a feeling of mutual shame.I think it should have been made in Finnish completely or with broken English and then dubbed over with professional sounding voice actors.It's also noticeable that the film falls apart just after 15 minutes. All the ideas got wasted and probably there was a lack of imagination involved or they didn't have a script at all.It doesn't look as if the movie had 1 million budget. It could have been made for about 50 000 euro at most. I've seen many professional looking low budget films and if 1 million budget was correct i'd have to say that it was wasted completely.For its merits i could say that it may be the one of the first really trashy, gory and "tongue-in-cheek" films made in Finland. That's just about it all. There's nothing original about it and many film directors have done it better. In fact this is even worse than some Uwe Boll films.In overall this film is trash and completely avoidable.

The tag line for this offering from the bowel of Satan is 'There's no sequel for you'; and trust me…if you have the balls to stick with this pile of steaming poop through to the bitter end, you'll thank all that you hold to be holy that there won't be.I don't know where to start really. The plot is the most contrived that you'll ever wish to see in and grade F movie…I won't even dignify this with the honorific of a 'B' movie…that would be an insult.Basically a film crew turns up at a derelict Asylum somewhere on the border of Russia…it never really explains the location…where 30 years previously a demented doctor decided to go into the film making business by turning out his own snuff movies by using the inmates as his cast. The erstwhile medic then disappeared taking the majority of his footage with him. The modern day crew turn up to re-create the events in a schlock horror movie.The plot then, of course, is totally predictable as the new director assumes the mantle of his real-life predecessor and starts joyfully killing off the cast and crew in various horrific ways.Let me talk for just a moment about the actor who portrays this new and improved homicidal maniac; I feel he has to have special mention, although there is plenty of guilt to go around. His name is Steve Porter. Don't bother getting too attached to his performance, which is the most wooden one I've seen since Pinocchio, as I can almost guarantee after this movie we won't be seeing him again…unless it's on his mug shot as he is led away by the police after being arrested for crimes against the viewing public. I mean, he can't help looking like a refugee Amish extra from 'Witness'…I won't hold that against him. But why the hell does he have to deliver every line like he's an alumni from the William Shatner school of acting? He was awful. The stick up his ass looked like it had a stick up its ass. His manic eye-rolling teeth-baring performance as an insane killer was silly to the point of being ludicrous. I cringed as I watched it, but for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't fear it was embarrassment.Finnish director Tommi Lepola who also made that unforgettable 2003 classic Kohatalon Kirja (aka 'The book of fate'…remember that one? Of course you don't!) puts the action together in a totally lackluster way…you can almost feel his desperation in every scene as he quickly comes to the inescapable conclusion that he is working with the absolute WORST bunch of actors, writers and continuity people since the immortal Ed Wood graced the silver screen and tries to salvage something from this rapidly sinking tugboat of a movie.But despite all their combined efforts…or perhaps because of them…the end product had the inevitability of a low speed car crash.Lepola also seems to have a predilection with actresses with large butts. It was almost like you couldn't act in his movie unless your ass reached a certain weight; it was quite Bizarre. All I have to say on that particular subject, is some people should definitely wear clothes. Or at least underwear that actually fits. It really did add insult to injury.Suffice to say, that the cast ran the gamut of emotions from A to…well… to A really.Skeleton Crew was bad. Not just bad in the conventional sense as in badly written, acted, or directed…but unwholesome like biting into a rotten apple or taking a mouthful of sour milk. It was violence and gore, for the sake of it…gratuitous lesbian sex that had NO real relationship to the plot, other than trying to appeal to people's baser instincts. All in all it left a nasty taste in my mouth.I now live in mortal dread that any of these people involved would ever option one of my own stories for the movie rights.Avoid this awful rubbish like a dose of terminal hemorrhoids, unless you really are, like me, in pursuit of the worst horror movie ever made!