Alien Blood (1999)

There's no way that this could be considered a good movie. The storyline is paper thin, and seems to be simply an excuse for random violence and nudity. Unfortunately for this film, neither the violence nor the nudity is particularly interesting. The fight sequences look terrible, and most of the time, you don't even see the kicks or punches hit. The actors who get hit look more like they're throwing themselves back rather than being thrown back by the force of the hit. The acting is atrocious; the dialog is sparse and poorly-delivered. Every character is two-dimensional, and you can forget about character development. In terms of special effects, this isn't just low-budget, this is almost cartoonish. Bullet holes apparently generate small squirts of stage blood, for example. The CGI is pretty bad, and consists mostly of a low-quality loop of some alien screaming every once and a while. All I can say is, don't watch this movie. There isn't a single redeeming quality about it.

This movie simply should not have been made. Honestly. I cannot think of a single reason this movie should have been made. I feel sorry for the children involved in this movie as they are not old enough to be made fun of for being in it. This movie is one huge plot hole. It's simply bad. Not even the kind of bad you can make fun of. Jon Sorenson, I hate you for making this film. I cannot believe you went from working on Alien and The Dark Crystal to make this load of tripe. You must have hated working on movies and this was your way of making sure that you didn't ever get any work in the movies again. Honestly, you don't deserve to be allowed to work in a video store, or even to rent movies in a video store. You shouldn't be allowed to watch movies anymore. This doesn't deserve my writing so much about it, but IMDb requires a minimum of ten lines.

I received a reject copy of Alien Blood for free along with a bunch of other extremely bad movies when I interned for Troma a long time ago. The cover art looked so pitifully stupid that I couldn't bear to even pop it in my DVD player for years. I expected it to be an unfunny, poorly made, boring Alien rip off with bad computer effects, in the vein of Legend of the Chupacabra [another free Troma movie I got in the same batch--possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life]. The only reason I decided to watch it tonight was because I'm trying to build up the perfect DVD collection, and Alien Blood is a blight on my shelf. Also, I asked my boyfriend if he would rather watch Alien Blood or Brad Grinter: Nudist. Those familiar with Something Weird's BLOOD FREAK release will understand why he chose Alien Blood!Anyway, the good thing about having rock-bottom expectations for a movie is that you may easily be pleasantly surprised by some aspect of it. In this case, the cinematography made the movie almost worthwhile. There are many striking shots, most notably a great one of a bagpiper up on a cliff while a gunman waits below in the foreground. A few effects are a WAY overused, such as breaking up a shot with fades to black over and over again, or using slow-motion on a flickering candle. Also, I got a very Pure Moods/Enya vibe from some of the waterfall and nature footage. Overall though, I'd say the photography was great--symmetrical, well-composed, and a lot like Ginger Snaps.As for the plot itself--ickk! My boyfriend and I figured Jon Sorenson had a vampire movie all planned out, but then someone came to him and said, "What's better than a vampire movie? A vampire ALIEN movie!" so he added a bunch of nonsense about women who run silently through the English countryside, standing atop rocky cliffs and communing with screaming moon-men [depicted in jarringly fake CG]. Admittedly, I did find the screaming moon-man to be hilarious. He shows up in the DVD menu loop, which I watched over and over again with great relish.Also, I appreciated how the director at least TRIED to tell a complex story without using many words, even though he definitely didn't pull it off.At any rate, the alien ladies seek shelter in a house full of bickering adulterous vampires. As I type that, I realize that it sounds like an amazing premise. It should have been amazing. Instead, the vampires act just like ordinary people, only they dress in 19th century garb and have pointy teeth. No one is ever bitten, and they can be killed with a regular gun. The alien ladies are also basically normal people. The little girl is a little weird, but then she basically has two lines which she repeats over and over again in exactly the same tone of voice: "Allez maman! Allez maman! Allez maman!"--ARRGGH! You would probably like this movie if you're into the X Files, but if you like campy exploitation/B movies, look elsewhere for entertainment. The gore effects are minimal, the interesting ideas lack interesting content, and basically it seemed like the longest 80 minutes of my life. The opening credit sequence alone lasted for about fifteen minutes and seemed to list the name of every single person who worked on the movie, including "Second Assistant Camera Operator" or something, in the most excruciatingly slow manner possible. I'm convinced the director stretched out all the slow-mo and long, still shots he could just to make the movie feature-length. I may watch the DVD extra "Jon Sorenson: Man of Mystery" just to find out...although putting an extra on your own DVD about how you're a "man of mystery" seems totally ridiculous!All in all, this movie is a waste of time aside from a bunch of pretty shots. I plan to sell my copy and get it out of the house as soon as possible!

I got this film in a dirt-cheap double DVD pack for the amazing price of £1.42, not bad XD. The description on the back was somewhat misleading as it mentioned "A house full of vampires", but actually the "Vampires" are only people having a fancy dress party (i didn't think Count Dracula's real first name was Frank anyway). There are a few faults with the film, such as a LOT of stock footage towards the end, how many times do we see the same two ..er.. badguys fall off a hill, one being zapped mid-drop. Also there are a few odd sounds dubbed on for no real reason (like farts and burps), and nearly every dying enemy moans in the same way. Plus at the start you don't really know what is happening as there is zero dialouge, except for a farmer talking about his horse. when people do talk its generally very quiet and hard to hear. Also near the end one woman takes off her big red frilly dress and says "we should get into something more appropriate", except she just stays in her underwear, not really the right clothes to hold off an armed siege. Finally the CGI spaceship looks pretty dodgy, they should have used a model suspended from fishing wire, it probably would have looked better, and been cheaper!. Still, this is quite a good film overall, if you can get past those "bugs", its kind of like a cross between The X-Files and Heartbeat (at the end they are all wearing 1960's clothes, if only one of them was driving the Ford Anglia seen on a farm...).