Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970)

Bad, bad, bad. Not even the good kind of bad either. You can look at most any Ed Wood project and say "That movie was terrible, but it had heart" but, not this one. It was on life-support, bloated, pumped full of morphine and waiting to die.Don't get me wrong, I love terrible cinema (Plan 9 From Outer Space) is part of my movie collection, but there's no excuse for this one. The sadder thing is that I regrettably paid a $1.99 to watch it on the 'Classics On-Demand' channel. That's 90 minutes I'll never get back.Anyway, the storyline. It opens with some 'vampires' preying on hapless victims in LA? New York? Who knows. The vampires are clad in 60's era chic attire, lurking in the darkness to unleash their plastic-toothed evil upon the world.Jump ahead... Scientists? from earth are traveling to a far-off planet and after a run-in with an unknown energy force end up making an emergency landing on a planet replete with cavemen, tinted cut scenes and lizards wearing latex appliances. Come to find out, this is apparently the home world to the vampires on earth. Whoopee.After seeing John Carradine's excellent performance in 'The Grapes of Wrath' and then in this dreck (and apparently many other titles in the genre), it makes one think that someone was really hard up for a paycheck. Sad, truly, truly sad and almost heartbreaking. It made me think of Lugosi at the end of his career. Who knows, maybe he actually enjoyed working, no matter how crappy the project was.Anyway, the cast and acting were as cardboard as the scenery. The irritating 'tinting' of the scenes (which allowed the insertion of clips from other awful movies) was a distraction. Overall, in my Top 10 of the worst movies I have ever seen. A must miss at any price.

A ragged, befuddling palimpsest comprised from the detritus of no fewer than three unrelated pre-existing films, all shuffled together within a framework of "new" scenes(added, I suppose, to bring some degree of cohesion to the amalgamated mess at hand). Success? ....erm....hardly. In fact, watching this tatterdemalion patchwork is like staring at one of those damn squiggly-dot pictures...eventually, you might catch a fleeting image of a snow-boarder or something, but was it really worth the headache in the end?Well, there is actually some sub-atomic particle of a story straining to emerge from all the disorder...as I see it, there's a spaceship that has landed on a planet which is the origin of all vampires, as well as home to various other predatory monstrosities and a tribe of peaceful cave-people. The bizarre atmospheric conditions of this planet cause everything to appear as color-tinted black-and-white, the tint randomly changing from blue to red to green and so forth. During one scene set inside the spaceship, an astronaut is looking through a periscope-type of device. The view presents a grid with marked north, south, east, and west coordinates. I'm certainly no science brain, but don't those points of direction become "lost" once you have left the Earth? Hmmm...whatever.John Carradine is in this flick. A little. He looks sort of embarrassed...he knows very damn well that this is a petrified turd of a film, but as the patron saint of undiscriminating "any old thing for a paycheck" movie stars, he sails through the muck like an old pro. He would have stripped to a thong at your bachelorette party for fifty bucks. I guarantee it. 2.5/10

Huh?What?Vampire cavemen? Sex replaced by flashing multi-colored light bulbs? Guys in dinosaur suits? A film half made of stock footage?This isn't just bad, it's inexplicably bad. DO NOT WATCH THIS ALONE. Make sure to have a friend or two with whom you can swap wisecracks about this... this... HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS.The end of this movie has nothing to do with the beginning. The middle has nothing to do with the end or the beginning. Not only does this planet change colors, but apparently at least one woman on it manages to change races, switching periodically back and forth between Filipino and Caucasian.And remember, kids, the red radiation is the most dangerous to human life. Here, let me demonstrate with this spectrum gun.WHAT THE HELL??????

Also released as: `Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet', `Horror Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet', `Space Mission of the Lost Planet', and `Vampire Men of the Lost Planet'.Al Adamson again proves that anything Edward D. Wood, Jr. could do badly by accident, Adamson could do worse on purpose! As with several other Adamson projects, this one started as a Filipino feature, from which Adamson clipped footage and then shot new footage to be added. John Carradine plays a scientist who traces a group of vampire killers on Earth to a previously unknown planet, where he and his crew have to fight vampire cavemen, snakemen, and other badly done makeup jobs from the cribbed Filipino footage.The original film was in black-and-white, but the new scenes were filmed in color. Was this a problem for Adamson? Of course not! Al just tinted the black-and-white scenes and then had his astronaut characters explain that the tint was a side effect of the planet's radiation (what else?)Also starring Vicki Volante and Robert Dix. A voice-over narration by Theodore Gottlieb tries in vain to bring it all together. When the film flopped at the box office, Adamson tried his patented re-title-and re-release method -- which never works. But it did give the public four more chances to unwittingly see his rotten movie.