Bacterium (2006)

Plot Spoilers: A man with bad skin crashes into a tree while being followed by a helicopter with flame throwers. Two guys in Tyvex suits, open neck, wearing a respirator with no filter, grab the package, start NY on fire while we watch the credits. The military has created a virus in a film called Bacterium, a virus that isn't carbon based maybe, and mutates. Some young adults wander into the unmarked quarantine area while playing paint ball. Alison Whitney is forced to get naked in my PG-13 film.The film had the low budget 50's quality to the blob. Most of the film was in the category "so bad it is good" The board room needed to be more like 'Dr. Strangelove." I think Piper missed an opportunity for good satire. You have to laugh at the stupidity. Similar to a Polonia Brothers production.

I'd like to sincerely thank the makers of this film, for showing that this type of thing can still get made.Is Bacterium great art/cinema? No. But I like to imagine that the filmmakers may well have said, when it was all edited and done and the last booger flicked away, "No, we didn't have a kerjillion dollars, but we made this with all the love we have, and now we offer it to you. Have a blast." Yes -- that is corny. I'm getting old.If you watched Deadly Spawn and loved it, give this a try.Obviously low budget? Check. Acting that veers wildly from watchable to really bad? Check. Kind-of-cheesy score that harks back to the 1970s or (brrr) 1980s? Check. Script that has giant holes, couldn't really be called "well-crafted," but is occasionally quite clever? Check. Distinct lack of flawless, soulless CGI? Check. Other distinct lack of Keanu Reeves or Kevin Costner standing around being out-acted by the cinematography? Double check.Friends, I didn't think this was even possible any more. Okay, Bacterium has longeurs, especially early on, but once the booger monsters get going, watch out! And these brave, brave actors: they may not rise to the levels of your Olivier or your Carrot Top, but -- they not only do fierce battle with big balls of half-dried snot, they sometimes roll around in them.In the end I love Bacterium 200,000% more than any given product of multi-million-mega-McDisney-wood, if only because it ISN'T all about the money.

'Bacterium' is a movie almost impossible to vote for, because from one minute to the next, it mutates from a 1 to a 10 or vice versa. The scene where the scientist talks about his super-bomb, while the politicians don't understand a word of his scientific explanations and decide to just toss a coin (to bomb or not to bomb, that is the question) is the funniest scene of that kind since 'Dr Strangelove'. On the other hand, the movie has rather tedious scenes in the military guys' HQ and the house as well, for example when the kids are watching the monster crawling in circles and growing a bit, then crawling some more and growing some more... you might watch the pond with the goldfish instead. Of course you would miss the hot chick then, taking her clothes off for a decontamination shower. Strangely enough, no-one else in the whole movie needed a decontamination shower, must be one of those purely coincidental things. In the end, with its ingredients (bikers, monsters, mad scientists), 'Bacterium' is cool despite the occasional flaws (paint-ball?) along the way.

A group of paintball fanatics end up inside an abandoned home. But unfortunately for them, they stumble across a secret government project to create a biological weapon and may have possibly been responsible for releasing it. Can these crazy kids escape before the military shows up to destroy the evidence? I enjoyed the DVD cover (reminded me of "Great Expectations") but was turned off my the back of the box, claiming this film was from "horror master" Brett Piper. That slogan has been passed around more than Madonna in an NBA locker room and I think if people like Piper insist on using it, there will be absolutely no truth in the words left.There were some other minors issues. I didn't need to hear "blow our heads off" at least 3 times within ten minutes. That sort of ruins the intensity of the expression. The gunshots (even the real ones) being paint balls was pretty weak -- and what was with the man in the opening scene being infected with warm peanut butter? (This last part, thankfully is improved later in the film.) How did this get a pg-13? There is a fair amount of cursing and more than the "partial nudity" the film suggests. One woman is quite nude all over for a few minutes. Not that I'm complaining -- I just don't think this could have passed the censors. (Honestly, I don't think the MPAA ever saw this film and the creators just said they did.) I like when the scientist touches his face and mouth with his gloves after going through such great lengths not to contaminate anything. But what I really liked was the amazingly awesome bacterium creature (which was much cooler and more disgusting then "The Host"). Seriously, this thing made all the bad acting and directing just disappear. Some of the scenes it had were like a cartoon, but a good deal of it was more like "The Blob" but better (and gross -- this thing made me want to vomit).The last third of the film is really funny with the "you better not be (expletive) me" guy, the bureaucrats and the science / physics talk that goes above and beyond the average film (but maybe not far enough). If the first third had the humor and strong dialog the ending had, this whole film would have been pretty amazing. Unfortunately, aside from looking hot and getting naked, the lead actress has no skills that can used in a film.I guess I'd watch this film again. I wasn't super-excited or heavily pumped about it, and the low production quality made it all rather annoying. But it had redeeming qualities, and I think Piper (though not a "horror master") may be someone to watch. Or at least his special effects crew is. That, and the guy who played the British-American scientist. I really, really like that guy.