Cutthroat Island (1995)

I almost didn't pick this up because I was sure it was a spin-off of Pirates of the Caribbean, but I was wrong. In actuality it was made before that movie and despite first appearances it can stand on its own. It's also Geena Davis, the gal that I associate with comedy-romance movies, the mushy and touchy-feely kind of movie that generally bore me. It's not that I can't appreciate a good comedy-romance, I just need to be in a certain kind of mood to watch those kinds of movies. But you know that Geena Davis is a brilliant actress and I loved her in The Long Kiss Goodnight with Samuel Jackson so I was glad I saw it. I wasn't disappointed as the swash buckling Morgan Adams and Matthew Modine steal my heart early on and I started rooting for the pirates on the edge of my seat. They were trying to piece together 3 pieces of a map to find an uncharted island that holds a rich pirate treasure hidden in it. The story is engaging, the action is good, great sound, and outstanding performances from the cast.

"Die Hard 2" director Renny Harlin's swashbuckling pirate movie "Cutthroat Island" is reminiscent of Errol Flynn's best adventure yarns aboard wooden sailing ships. The chief difference between the Flynn escapades and "Cutthroat Island" is that the protagonist is none other than a damsel who is rarely in distress. Geena Davis plays Morgan Adams, the rip-snorting, robust daughter of Black Harry (Harris Yulin), one of three brothers who scour the seven seas to steal untold treasure. The villain of this sprawling sea yarn is Black Harry's treacherous brother Douglas Brown (Frank Langella of "Dracula") who has taken Harry as prisoner aboard his ship and demands that his brother give him one of three pieces of a treasure map. Naturally, Black Harry refuses and prefers to plunge himself into Davy Jones' locker at the end of a rope attached to the ship's anchor. Meantime, Morgan escapes from a British naval lieutenant with whom she has spent the night in bed and frantically rides to the rescue of her father. Ironically, Black Harry doesn't want to be rescued, but Morgan doesn't abide by his wishes and dives into the drink after her doomed father and saves him long enough for him to tell her to shave his head. Now, Brown takes after Morgan in hot pursuit. As it turns out, Black Harry has concealed his scrap of the map under his hair on his scalp where it has been tattooed. One must idly wonder about the fate of the man who tattooed that map there. Initially, Morgan and her pirate crew, that once sailed for her father aboard the ship Morning Glory, decide that the map is written in Latin. Happily for them, they learn about a slave about to be sold at auction on a nearby island, and they buy him, or least try before certain bystanders discern that the woman garbed up like a lady is none other than Morgan who has a hundred pounds bounty on her head. Everybody escapes by the collective hair on their chins, and the race is on with Morgan after the second part of the map that belongs to Mordachai Fingers. Director Renny Harlin never lets the action loiter in this sizzler, and Frank Langella makes a terrifically terrifying pirate villain. Look long and hard and you won't spot the inevitable parrot perched on anybody's shoulder. Surprisingly, despite its beautiful scenery lensed off the coast of Thailand and John Debney's exhilarating orchestral score, "Cutthroat Island" was a huge theatrical flop.

CUTTHROAT ISLAND was a film I never got around to seeing as a kid. I suppose the idea of an American pirate film didn't really appeal and indeed this is very much like a 1990s-era precursor to PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, with the same look, the same kind of comedy, the same kind of action-packed feel. Not really my cup of tea as cinema goes; I much prefer the grittier, better-acted style of the BLACK SAILS TV series (Michael Bay's finest hour).In any case, I thought I'd catch up with CUTTHROAT ISLAND and see what I missed. The answer? Not very much. Renny Harlin has always been a hit or miss director and this is a big miss even this early on in his career (surprisingly so, given how entertaining DIE HARD 2 and CLIFFHANGER are). Geena Davis is woefully miscast in the role of a female pirate battling against an even greater foe; she looks ridiculous when attempting to do the action scenes and even outside of the action her open-mouthed style makes her look wooden and out of her depth.The only genuine performer of note is the seasoned Frank Langella as the charismatic villain, although he's too suave and good-looking to be all that hateful. He certainly shows up Matthew Modine's laughable would-be roguish good guy. Patrick Malahide is saddled with predictability, Maury Chaykin is annoying, and the reliable Stan Shaw wasted in a nothing-except-stand-around-and-look-tough part. The action is endless, endlessly cheesy, and completely fake-looking, with the stupid climax being particularly bad. Overall the film feels fake and wishy washy, and it comes as little surprise to me that this film flopped. It makes Costner's WATERWORLD look like a Oscar winner by comparison.

I mean, yes of course it was a flop at the box office because it cost a lot of money to make and was released around the world and only made a fraction of that money back. So by the technical definition of flop this movie was a flop.But most flops are really bad movies. Like really bad. Like REALLY bad. And this movie isn't bad at all! Not even half bad. I think this movie is even slightly better than the average movie especially when you consider putting it up against just other movies of the same era. It's a decent movie.I don't know if it was maybe bad marketing, or bad word of mouth, or just a sexist attitude that didn't want to see a movie with a female ship commander, but this movie deserved better!