Teeth (2008)

I had absolutely no idea what this movie was going to be...a friend rented it & just popped it in. I'm pretty sure that for most of the movie, I looked just like the audience in "The Producers" right when the cast starts singing "Springtime for Hitler." It was like watching a train wreck. And not a real well done train wreck.The acting was pathetic, tho it fit well with the script. One really awful scene comes when the girl goes to her first ob/gyn appointment...it does not go well. The doc ends up wallowing on the floor, blood spurting from the stumps of his bitten-off fingers, wailing "Vagina dentata!" over & over & over (Latin basically for "vagina with teeth). The characters are despicable, but at least they have a lousy script. However, I am actually glad that I was too stunned to lurch off the couch & rip the thing out of the player; I was still sitting there clutching my head when the final credits started...and thus got introduced to the music of Chuck Prophet. The song over the final creds is "You Did (Who put the bomp in bomp shooby dooby bomp)"...don't hate it because of the title. So do yourself a favor; skip the flick & catch some Chuck Prophet.

RELEASED IN 2007 and written & directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein, "Teeth" concerns a teen girl (Jess Weixler) who leads an abstinence group at her church. While dating she horrifyingly learns of a unique feature. Meanwhile, her wicked stepbrother is getting out of hand (John Hensley). Hale Appleman and Ashley Springer play guys interested in her while Josh Pais appears as her gynecologist. Lenny von Dohlen is on hand as the stepfather. This is a coming-of-age movie mixed with horror, akin to "The Rage: Carrie 2" (1999). It's professionally-made and dramatically compelling with some good stuff on the soundtrack, like "You Did" by Chuck Prophet (which runs during the credits) and a few snippets of Immortal Dominion songs. Gore fans should be happy, but IMHO they shoulda toned it down because few viewers want to see someone's Captain Winky cut off. If you can handle that, there's a lot of good here, even greatness. The movie reflects reality despite some surreal elements, amusing black humor and the horrific mythos. Examples of what I mean include: The two (step) siblings who take contrary paths, father/son rivalry, the moral response to sexual relations (save yourself for marriage or indulge?), the positive (or negative) influence of religion and the ritualistic/group-think spirit thereof, not to mention turning a supposedly negative quality into a positive.Weixler kicks axx in the challenging role of the protagonist and is just an all-around beautiful woman. Cutie Laila Liliana Garro (as Julia Garro) has a peripheral role. THE FILM RUNS 1 hours & 34 minutes and was shot in Austin, Texas. GRADE: A-

Teeth is based around the myth of vagina dentate, where it was believed that in some ladies a set of teeth were hiding away in their vagina. The lady in question here is Dawn O'Keefe (Jess Wexler), a comely virgin, teenage spokesperson for Christian abstinence, from a very young age it was clear something was not right.A great and interesting premise is never truly fulfilled for maximum potential here, but with slices of dark humour, some cringe inducing prosthetic gore and a bold performance from Wexler, Mitchell Lichtenstein's film safely keeps its head above mediocrity.The makers are dallying with a number of unsubtle themes, from female empowerment to the fear of sex in general, and of course the perils of letting shallow hormones dictate the teenage mandate. There's even dashes of obsession, religio slights and a meditation on grief that earths the electricity buzzing about the hormonal place.Thankfully, Lichtenstein keeps away from I Spit On Your Grave territory, finding a nice balance for Dawn, she is a character bombarded with a myriad of emotional conflicts, but hysteria does not dominate her make-up, and she's never cartoonish either. View it more as a genre splicer than outright horror and better rewards await the interested observer. 6/10

Warning spoilers So in this movie the 'naive' Dawn is sitting in her bathroon soaking her high school text book page to take off the gold paper that was placed on the image of the female sexual organ. Why wouldn't she just look it up on the internet as she moments later starts looking up teethed vagina finds the name of her condition - as if it was a real thing and common. Oh the acting in that scene was one of the worst I've ever seen.She sees a doctor, who happens to start screaming out her condition after he lost 4 fingers in the examination. The doctor is not seen or heard of again. The police are not after her, it's as if nothing happened.Look the movie is too long, how much story line can you really achieve from this plot. This would make a perfectly fine 30 minute Tales of the Crept episode.The main character Dawn is initially shocked and disturbed by her "curse" and in her most 'scared state' runs to a guys house she barely knows rather than her female 'best' friend or to her father that she is very close with apparently.She then lets a guy sleep with her and says "I can't believe you're not dead" - so she was happy to risk sleeping with him to test the theory of finding a hero to rescue her vagina. She then starts enjoying sex, but this man turns out he didn't sleep with her because he liked her but to settle a bet, so the writers think he deserves his manhood cut off? Sure, he isn't a gentlemen but she knew him for a whole 5 minutes. I guess the story line is if you regret sleeping with someone then they should have their parts cut off. Hmm..Then, she figures well I've mutilated so many people without being caught why not my step brother. Now although her brother again not the nicest person in the world, but deserving of such punishment..hmm no. The movie takes a turn for the worse at this point. As the main character now uses sex as a weapon to get away with mutilation and murder. She becomes judge and jury. The writers were a bit confused as the Mum says "were lucky to have both our kids" at the start of the movie so she understands although her son has some issues he is young and she still loves him. That is ignored by the main character who blames her step-brother when her mum dies. Where was she when her mum was calling for help? Nice way to deflect blame. I could maybe understand the move if he murdered his mum.I am female and I felt bad for the male characters. I've watched a lot of movies where I've rooted for the "good guy" who kills and or tortures the bad guys, but these characters were not really 'bad enough' to justify the punishment and I guess I felt bad for them. Dawn is really the villain.Also the acting, writing and music was not really that good.