Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

Luc Deveraux (Van Damme) returns, but the question is...why? This time around, Luc is just a regular Joe with a daughter, and he's working with a Dr. Cotner (Berkeley) to refine and improve the Universal Soldier project. This is pretty surprising considering how he was treated by the higher-ups in the first movie. Nevertheless, At the base, everything is controlled by a 2001: A Space Odyssey-styled computer called SETH. When the intelligent SETH determines that the government is going to pull his plug, he transfers himself into the body of Michael Jai White and goes hunting for Luc and his daughter. As if that wasn't enough to contend with, Luc also must fend off fellow Unisol (a contraction of the words "Universal Soldier" for those that didn't see the first movie) Romeo (Goldberg). Naturally there's yet another do-nothing female reporter, Erin (Schanz). How will Deveraux get out of this one? Sadly, this sequel to the highly entertaining original is a disappointment. It's a big drop from the first one - it's lifeless and not a crowd-pleaser. While it did receive a theatrical release, surprisingly, it has a chintzy Direct-To-Video look to it. It never inspires confidence when 95% of your movie takes place in one building. Yes, "The Return", as we call it (we refuse to dignify this crud with the Universal Soldier name) is one of THOSE.Even from its silly opening sequence (which naturally involves rockin' jetskis), and throughout its many scenes with terrible music behind them, this movie is trying to be hip and cool, but fails. A great example of this is the character of Squid (Hinkley) - a radically-awesome drinker of Mountain Dew who loves his Frankenberry cereal. And speaking of characters that audiences can't possibly connect with, the choice to cast fitness girl Kiana Tom instead of a proper actress is just odd. But the most glaring casting change involves the complete lack of Dolph Lundgren. Sure, we all love Goldberg, as much as anyone really can, but he's no substitute for the Dolphster. Surely even Mr. Lundgren, who's no stranger to DTV junk, read the script for this and headed for the hills.Not so for Van Damme, who looks tired and disinterested, even as he spouts his one-liners. Does anyone really want to see Luc Deveraux as just some normal dude - with a kid even? Surely a sign of this movie's status as a pale reflection of its forebear is, instead of the robotic monocle the Unisols wear over an eye in the first film, now they just wear Blu-Blocker Bono sunglasses.And while this movie is very dumb, and disjointed, and features some downright embarrassing steals from Demolition Man and Terminator 2, Michael Jai White ALMOST saves the movie. He puts in by far the best performance and seems dedicated to his role as the sinister SETH. But even despite his valiant efforts, he can't overcome the cruddiness within. But on the bright side, a character rides Goldberg down a flight of stairs like a sled. Yes, you read that correctly.The bottom line is, this movie is an obvious cash-in and simply doesn't need to exist. You might think, before watching this, "Yeah! It's a Universal Soldier movie! Cool!" - it's only natural to think that, but unfortunately, this movie doesn't satisfy those expectations.For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

I liked the first movie.Seeing the second totally ruined it though. Horrible cast. Horrible director. No story whatsoever. Bunch of lame actors punching and shooting each other, kids could act better.No matter what, if you read this and plan to rent or download this movie - DON'T DO THAT, for your own sake. You'll just waste over 90 minutes of your life.I know some people like it just for the action but get real.. you have more action in the daily news. No need to waste so much time on this.Believe me, you don't want to learn in the hard way.

In any case, that would probably have been a better idea than making this. I have not seen a second of either made-for-TV sequel, so I can't comment on, well, anything relating to them. As far as being a follow-up to the first, however, one can't go a full viewing without a "coulda had a V8" face-palm at the sheer laziness of the plot. I'm not kidding, for the main story of this, they pretty much xeroxed the script for the original and changed a name or two. Writing in general is nothing special, though one has to be taken in by the vast amount of clichés they managed to fit into 90 minutes that you'll forget soon after they're over. The drama's basically non-existent, as its entirely phoned in, with well-meaning scenes copied from superior films. There's more martial arts(Damme can still deliver), and if that's what you're looking for in this, you could do worse. The acting ranges between decent and downright poor, and I think everyone in this flunked chemistry(as in, on-screen). Special effects are fine, the CGI isn't bad. The action is OK, it just doesn't really have much of an impact. Humor comes off as *incredibly* forced, with some of the stupidest one-liners you'll ever hear. The biggest joke is that this was released theatrically, anyway. Music is loud and unimpressive. There's strong language, plenty of violence(meanwhile, I'm not sure I saw a single drop of blood, and apart from the broken bones and the like, this isn't terribly brutal) and nudity... can you say "obvious and gratuitous eye-candy"? I recommend this to those who are interested after reading this review. If you're into B-movies, go for it. 1/10

It was 6/10/1999. I was so worried about a result of some exam, and wanting desperately to end the time with anything. My friend (great fan of Jean-Claude Van Damme) told me while we were walking near the cinema "Let's go to Van Damme's new movie", I vetoed for many reasons, first of all I'm not that fan of Van Damme, I rather watch him in a rented video, and it was part 2 of a movie that I didn't watch. While I was explicating these points, my friend has bought the tickets already ! Although he had a very bad experience out of watching Van Damme's last movie (Knock Off), one year before, saying anguished at the time in a memorably serious way (This Is Not a Movie !), but my friend was having the gift of the fast forgetting.We sat in the first row of seats (I've decided never to repeat that again in my life !). Strange notice : we were all men in the theater ! Something I've witnessed shortly after again in 2/2000 at James Bond's movie (The World is Not Enough), the dames don't prefer to watch the guys' flicks in the movies ?? Well, I also didn't watch a chick flick in the movies ever! I recall trailers first for movies like (The 13th Warrior), (The Matrix), yet the one which made us so enthusiastic was (Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace)'s one (WAW, how we were wrong !). When the movie began, I was optimistic especially after some good chase in the sea, yet after that.. I have to say, it was hilarious; cutting the head like a slice of pizza, the huge computer (who's the idiot that designed its image ?!, it's awfully childish), and of course when I discovered the fact of it as a long wrestling match in the form of a movie. So you can imagine my feeling during the third act where all the fights were absurdly unstoppable.I remember also how all the male audience demurred at the kissing part since it came while the hero was about to face his many opponents, to hear some things like (Come' on, you have no time, it's not appropriate right now, move it MAN !). While the feast of the martial arts at the end, I was having the best time, laughing wildly to forget what I paid for watching what turned out to be a determinedly low B-movie, to forget about what my friend had promised me ("There will be a hot sex scene in the movie.. I'm sure"!), or to forget about the main reason I went to it in the first place (the annoying exam's result). I only loved the character of undying enemy named Romeo; he summarized, gleefully and ironically, the cartoonish logic of today's unbeatable foes in movies. Plus some convincing performance from Van Damme's side, with a white hair this time like he became wiser. And the beautiful heroine (my friend said that I have a thing for the unruly recalcitrant girls!). Although - as a whole - (Universal Soldier 2) wasn't important, but it was harmless too. It was just the most straight-to-video movie I've ever seen in a theater.Afterwards, we've watched in some TV channel the music video of the movie which contains a rock song from its soundtrack, and let me tell you, that was way, and I mean way, better than the movie itself. It's disappointing how the publicity's guys made a finer job than what the actual movie's makers did. I was reading in Empire at the time about Van Damme's problems (drinking, divorcing, going in or out the jail… ). Anyway neither me or my friend watched a Van Damme's movie in a theater again, simply because there weren't ones for him there anymore, as all of his works at the 2000s became straight to video, just like (Wesley Snipes) and (Steven Seagal), in the same time that (Schwarzenegger) was making bad movies to become finally a governor, and with the absence of (Mel Gibson) as an action star, it was nearly the end of the 1990s' era for us. I even didn't meet my friend himself since 2001 !! So the poster's tagline "Prepare To Become Obsolete" was a real jinx or kind of prophecy.Not to mention how the names that supplanted weren't as interesting as the previous: such as (The Rock), (Jason Statham), (Jet Li). Moreover, can you believe or stand (Ben Affleck), (Keanu Reeves), or (Tom Cruise) in action ?!! They're like the boys replacing the men !After years, the movie was on TV, I said to myself, "Now that's a good chance to watch it rightly", to sleep after the first 15 minutes. And by the way, I didn't pass that exam that year, true I passed it subsequently with honors, but still this movie is a strange reminder of not how to lose 90 minutes inasmuch as how to "lose" only !