Baby Geniuses (1999)

This is one of the most legendary bad movies ever made. It's become iconic with how terrible it is. The good news is that at least it isn't worse than what most people say. The downside is that that's still very low. There was ONE good joke in this movie about how they make the police come to Babyco and that's IT. This was made by the director of "A Christmas Story" and it just so happens this one takes place around Christmas too. This movie tells the story about these evil scientists who discover that babies have their own language. After awhile, they "cross over" and lose all of their genius. The most insane thing is that there is one scene where a baby is actually able to speak intelligible English as babies apparently know every language out there or somewhere. A main conflict is that they can't talk to their parents, even though they SHOWED that they could speak the same language as adults! Babies are apparently also able to hypnotize adults in their sleep. You have to admit that is completely stupid.In about six minutes, they literally say "Diaper gravy" four times and there is absolutely no variant said at all. This is easily the worst movie for Channel Awesome Month and it's a shame it came out shortly after "The Big Lebowski". That's a better movie to show to your kids and that has over 200 f-bombs in it! There's like six minutes of nothing but babies just jumping around as they are apparently training. There's a baby that wanders onto the road with cars and nobody notices, yet when the baby wears a disguise on the street, somehow everyone notices him. It's hard to even believe this movie even exists, as I couldn't see how anyone would ever find this entertaining. 1/2*

This movie is a bad one. The whole premise of the movie works a little bit better than I thought it would, but it is still a really dumb premise. So sly has enough physical dexterity to judo throw a grown man, do back-hand springs, and swing on ropes, but he does not have mastery over his own bowels? I know they're supposed to be advanced, but being a genius doesn't mean you're physically gifted in any way. I tried to imagine myself as a child when it came to the jokes, but they still were not funny. The mall scene is where this movie really starts to fall apart. The parents mix up their children at the mall but the two twins were wearing different outfits. Yes, I know that the mother acknowledges this but what are the chances that they would be dressed so similarly out of coincidence? I could have been generous and given this movie a 2,but I decided not to do that. The rest of it wasn't any worse than the Mario Brothers movie I wouldn't say, but one scene lead me to this conclusion. There is a scene in the mall where Sly hops inside of a baby carriage and a joke ABOUT SEX occurs between two babies. I know they're supposed to be "advanced" or whatever but that is completely and utterly awful. I feel like a should get a medal for sitting through this entire movie.

Why on earth did I even watch this thing? Baby Geniuses makes the Justin Bieber movies look good, and it was honestly the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. As if the bad acting and awful soundtrack isn't enough, the plot revolves around scientists who are keeping children captive. What the hell? What is the purpose of this dopey movie? Well, I'll tell you: the purpose is to draw in the "I love cute babies" crowd. You know, pageant moms, new couples, people who will look back and think, "I'm a smart person but I watched this trailer-trash?" It makes me very worried for society to see good ratings on it. I only hope it is left in this website's bottom 100, it deserves to be there.

If you can imagine sitting next to a machine that makes keys for 92 minutes then you pretty much get the idea of the experience of 'Baby Geniuses'. I've seen bad comedies with cringe-worthy scenes but only a handful of them have a cringe at every single moment. But this stomach turning dreck reaches an all time low.The plot: Kathleen Turner plays an evil woman who runs a secret science lab to experiment on babies because she thinks that she may know how they communicate with one another. She wants to find out what universal knowledge babies possess before they gain their understanding of their surrounding. What does she hope to gain? Beats me.One of her nephews named Sly (his brother is named Wit) escapes from her lab by spitting water at his captors, punching them in the crotch and throwing them over his shoulder. This scene is as painful as they come.The movie basically rips-off two good movies: 'Look Who's Talking' in which we heard what the babies where saying, and 'Babe' in which the mouths of the farm animals moved when they spoke. The first worked because we never saw the babies talking and they were allowed to still be babies. The second worked because even when the mouths of the animals moved what they said was witty and smart.The infants in 'Baby Geniuses' talk in annoying pop culture buzz-words 'Yo-yo-yo' and 'Don't have a cow' and 'Diaper gravy'. When they speak bad digital effects make their mouths move to synch with the words. You know those cutouts of President Clinton that they use on Conan O'Brien where we see a picture of the President's face but his mouth is someone else's? It's kind of like that.I am not exactly certain at what point 'Baby Geniuses' made me question my faith in mankind but if I had to choose I would say it has to be the point at which a group of infants hypnotize Dom Deluise and force him to pick his nose. Even though this is the worst scene in the movie don't think that the rest of the movie gets elevated from there. At one point a baby disguises himself as an adult in an oversized hat and coat complete with cigar. Another scene allows him to whomp one adult in the crotch with ski not once but three times.When the babies move the special effects move their limbs to do unnatural things. The worst has to be one baby who dresses in a leisure suit so that he can dance like Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever'. I witness this moment upon my return from a visit to the toilet (I saw it on television) and immediately felt the urge to turn around to go back.The movie is from Bob Clark a director who is hit and miss. He directed the wonderful 'A Christmas Story' but his also directed the dismal 'Porky's'. He directed the wonderfully hammy 'Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things' but he also made 'Rhinestone'. I have seen bad movies come and go but Clark seems to be striving to make 'Baby Geniuses' into a new all-time low. Mission accomplished Mr. Clark.