Submerged (2005)

Do you really think that we have GOATS in Uruguay, or JUNGLES, or TERRORISTS, or even natives????? This movie is utterly insulting for my country.The writers of this movie didn't even bother in looking where Uruguay was. For all of you who doesn't, it's located between Brazil and Argentina. This movie was forbidden in my country because it shows something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT than realityWe don't have GOATS, we have COWS, we don't have JUNGLES, we have MEADOWS, we don't have TERRORIST or DICTATORS or Nazis or anything like that, in fact, we are the most DEMOCRAT country in Latin America.We don't even have NATIVES, the ENTIRE population are Europeans or descendants of Europeans. And our costumes are not as shown in this awful movie (as if we were Peruvians or Bolivians).

I can accept DTV movies for what they are, low budget with a plot full of holes. But what saves this one was the supporting cast rather than the overall effort by Seagal.A no goodnik militant named Hilan is working with an evil doctor (played brilliantly by Nick Brimble) to come up with a mind control device. After its completed they use their device to assassinate a US ambassador and its up to Seagal and his troops to save the day. Thats where it comes down to the supporting cast, Vinnie Jones is the man in his role, Nick Brimble played his role even better. Hell Raicho Vasilev....a veteran stunt man makes a vanity appearance as one of Seagal's troops. Hell even William Hope from Aliens is in this one. Add in a bunch of unknowns and its really not that bad.You can overlook the plot holes such as since when is Uruguay armed with terrorists up the wazoo? The movie appeared to be about Seagal trapped on a sub, but he was only on it for about 15 minutes or so, talk about false advertising. Didn't know you can simply walk on to an opera stage and not get attacked by security either. Again, all this can be overlooked if you're a fan of the Seagal movies to begin with, but the cast is what keeps it watchable. If you don't like the plot, at least stick around to see what Vinnie Jones says or does next.The highlight of the movie is when Henry absolutely beats the crap out of Plowand, very brutal.6 out of 10

Where do I start, I mean seriously within the first 5 minutes we see a spy plane flying at an altitude of 100 feet (which gets spotted!) that is made of cardboard, a bunch of crack marines landing in a field and being ambushed by some terrorists hidden under a couple of bushes 10 feet away from them. A suicide bomber in South America?!?!? A cast made up of British Soap Opera characters from Emmerdale Farm and Coronation Street, Vinnie Jones putting his worst performance in since he cupped Gazza's balls when he played for Wimbledon, a script so clichéd and full of lame lines that it's like it was written on napkin on the way to the set in tomato ketchup! On to Seagal, F**k me what a show he puts on, over weight, DUBBED!, Black Ghetto speaking, awful awful fights that I'm fair sure he had a stunt man for. There is one ace thing though, Seagals hair piece which puts in a mesmerising performance and definitely should be up for an Oscar in a best supporting role! And to be honest, he films called Submerged but they spend barely anytime on a Sub!!!!!!!!!!! What a waste of 2 quid!

In 'Submerged', Seagal stars as some geezer called Cody who is like a hard bloke that the government go to when they need help. I worked out why they didn't get Jack Bauer straight away - the film was made at the time in between seasons when they thought he was dead! So anyway, Fat Cody then gets his whole team back to help him do this thing. Oh yeah, the thing is blow up some dam that some bad guy is hiding in. Oh yeah, the bad guy is none other than Little John from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. So anyway, Fatty and his crew of hard nuts made up of assorted crap actors such as Vinnie Jones and the old guy who batters someone to death with a dildo in Lock Stock, then go about getting to this dam. So they leave their aircraft carrier but before they get there, they double-cross someone who was apparently double-crossing them and steal his helicopter (I dunno I must have blinked cos I completely missed how Seagal worked that one out!). So then they take the helicopter to some bird who is like one of Seagal's old secret agent women (he probably banged her!) and she turns out to be none other than the woman who is in those Daz adverts! You know the 'whiter than white' woman. She just started working on Coronation Street. At her rate of ascension, she'll be receiving an Oscar in no time! Advert -> Seagal Movie -> Coronation Street -> Oscar! No prob'! So then they get to the dam but Little John has disappeared. So they fight some army and blow the dam up. In one bit Seagal selflessly runs at a tank with nothing but a hand grenade and destroys it. But not before a pithy remark "Here catch!" Amazing! So instead of escaping in the helicopter they arrived in they decide to steal none other than a submarine! I don't know. Of all the stupid get away vehicles he may as well have just swam back to the aircraft carrier and pretended he was a whale! Anyway, I thought I'd let that one go but it turns out that some people on the submarine are being mind controlled by Little John and decide to sink the sub. They kill most of the team leaving only Fatty, Vinnie Jones, some black girl and The Daz Woman alive. The four of them then escape in a life raft before the sub gets blown up.Can you believe all this only happened in one hour? I still haven't finished watching it but I think I'll have to find out how it concludes in a little while. I can't take too much Seagal at once!(PS) I forgot to mention that Seagal has almost been completely dubbed throughout the whole film by some bloke that doesn't sound anything like him. I have no idea why but it is so obvious! When it IS Seagal's own voice he tries to be black. He actually says to Vinnie Jones in the dam... "Damn, there some sick sh*t up in here, Alligator!" Then a second later he adds "Be sure to get yo' white ass 'outta here!"This film has to be seen to be believed! But don't watch it all in one viewing or you may go totally head-mental!