13 Cameras (2016)

A newlywed couple, move into a new house across the country, only to find out that their marital issues are the least of their problems. Unbeknownst to them, their grim and lascivious landlord has been spying on them from day one. 13 Cameras is basically the exact same stalker film you have seen like 50 times before but also has the exact same protagonist that you would expect from a flick like this and somehow this movie was so good that a sequel named '14 Cameras' is coming out next week i think? Or pretty damn soon but still don't see this. (F)

A young couple move into their new home but their new neighbour takes prying to a whole new level. This film isn't going to win any awards for originality but it isn't a bad film for its genre. Neville Archambault is perfectly cast as the ultra creepy landlord. In his case you really can judge a book by it's cover. Although the pacing is maybe a little slow and repetitive it does at least build up the tension with a couple of really well done and creepy scenes. The film never really goes anywhere but the ending at least tries something different. This is just an OK film nothing special but not terrible either and being pretty short maybe worth watching once if you're at a loose end.

OK, so this movie - which is more appropriately named 'The Landlord' in the UK, since the theme of surveillance doesn't actually feature that much in the movie - was on DVD, and the concept sounded creepy and interesting, so I thought "hey, why not?". About as good an idea as this couple moving into this house.I will give one positive, but a small one: it's well framed and the film looks well made. But the good ideas will be poorly executed, the acting will be terrible aside from the pregnant wife Claire who was likable and charming in her performance, and things will happen for completely unclear reasons. The biggest drawback for the film is that Gerald (the landlord) is not IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM remotely passable as a regular guy. I mean, seriously, at one point he rubs his hands all over Claire's stomach without her permission, and he's buying stuff that only Dexter would buy from a hardware store and no-one questions it, and at the end with the police, when they acknowledge that the crimes committed could only be made by someone with access to the house don't question or quiz THE F***ING LANDLORD!Speaking of these crimes, here's the crimes that the Landlord commits:1. Obviously he installs cameras in this house. He's shown doing this during the film; would've been more unsettling if they were already set-up, personally.2. He builds this sound-proof room in the basement that he has locked with his own keys. How no-one finds this, I don't idea.3. He traps the husband's mistress in the basement. Again, risky as hell, and makes no sense because she could escape AND DOES.4. When she does escape, he goes to the property to sort stuff out and killsthe husband, the mistress, and knocks the pregnant woman unconscious. This by the way is despite him being hobbling for most of the movie and managing IN America to find the only couple who don't own guns to rent his place to.5. He conceals the bodies in the basement and lies to the police about their whereabouts, which I don't know how considering this couple was working, had close friends and one had an affair that others knew about with one of his staff.6. He abducts Claire and keeps her hostage in his flat, and kidnaps the baby to raise as his own. Again, no idea how he gets away with that.He has no personality beyond creepy, and the motive keeps switching. Does he admire their life? Does he want their life? Does he have an issue with kids being raised in an unstable environment? He is lonely? Did he lose a kid? No, he's "just weird", which for me is not good enough. Everyone is "just weird", but not everyone is this messed up! Give reasons dammit! I know the unknown is the scariest thing of all, but that doesn't mean a motive can't be scary - in fact, sometimes it's he scariest part! Damn this movie! (Yes, I really didn't like this) Furthermore, the film is so slow you won't believe: in a 90 minute movie, the scary stuff only kicks in at the hour mark, and they are very few. To call this 'horror' is only because of the ending - the idea of which is legitimately horrifying, but the whole film and how all the elements fit makes it toothless and boring. The concept is cool and can be made scary, but some of the good ideas were wrongly done. Don't see this; there's much better horror films in cinemas OR on VOD. See one of those. Don't see this; I plead you.

To say this movie is garbage would be an insult to garbage. I've watched pieces of rotting banana peels that have a more thought out plot and better written script. Every character in the movie has the IQ of a lobotomized turnip. The director was likely Kim Jong Un using an alias, who realized that unleashing this piece of crap on the world would cause more long term devastation than simply nuking us. If you're considering watching this, I recommend getting a large tub of ice cream, swallowing it as fast as possible, and enjoying the brain freeze instead. Your head will be better off.... Apparently I still need a few lines of text in order to submit this review, so I'm going to make a list of things that are better than watching this movie: - Small paper cuts - Having a little bit of nail hanging out that keeps getting caught on things - Being asked "Why are you so quiet?!?" - People walking in front of you then stopping spontaneously to check their phones - Writing reviews about how awful this movie was