They're Playing with Fire (1984)

I have what I call "The Adrienne Barbeau Theorem," which is as follows: Big breasts, in and of themselves, are not enough reason to watch a terrible movie. Ironically, there are two movies that strongly test my theorem, and one of them is Adrienne Barbeau's "Swamp Thing." The other is an abysmal '80s slasher flick titled "They're Playing with Fire." Sybil Danning plays an English professor (so much for realism) who seduces one of her young students (Eric Brown) in order to make him a patsy in a murder plot in which she's involved. Despite its familiar ring, this plot line is several generations (not to mention quality points) removed from "Double Indemnity" and its ilk. In fact, the movie's slasher motif is so sordid, even for this genre, that it's painful to watch. The movie would be deservedly forgotten, were it not for Danning's astounding sex scenes.These scenes, particularly the first one, are as jaw-dropping as anything you're likely to see in a mainstream, R-rated movie. While not as anatomically graphic as your average porn video, Danning in the altogether amply displays enough, er, enthusiasm to get her point across. In fact, she's so enthusiastic, you lose any sympathy for the kid she's seducing. Here's this gorgeous, buxom blonde twisting the night away on top of him, and he can't think of anything better to do than *make conversation* with her! Obviously, the kid needs an education in more than English.Other than the all-too-brief scenes in which Danning demonstrates why a date with her would fetch a small fortune on an auction block, the movie's only element of interest is in seeing Alvy Moore, who played Hooterville county agent Hank Kimball on TV's "Green Acres," hitting a career low as a gas-station manager who's dumb enough to hire and re-hire the kid as an attendant even after he's dumped the job on the promise of some loot from Danning's English professor. The only thing that could have made this movie more bad-memorable would be to pair Danning with fluttery Hank Kimball: "Welcome to Hootersville, I mean Hooterville! Sorry, I was blinded by your headlights, I mean my car headlights. The car is strangely stacked, I mean built, I mean..."

Sybil Danning is an extremely stunning sight to behold when she's wearing just a smile, sure, but there's only so much so can do when saddled with an abysmal script (and that's 90% of her career's work). There's no question that she makes unwatchable films watchable. This time around she plays Diane. a teacher who wants her husband's parents money, but that won't happen until his mom and aunt are either dead or declared incompetent (the latter is kinda like the makers of this film). Enter Private Lessons' Eric Brown as Jay, a college student who's more gullible than a fifth grader (if that) and plans to scare the old women, but there's a 'mystery' serial killer at work. As I said before Danning is the ONLY reason for someone to watch this (and even then only when it's on cable, as it's not worth renting). The character's lack any kind of spark, the plot is very weak, and for a thriller, it's not in the least bit thrilling. Also the powers that be seemed to openly want to sabotage the film as with the amount of chances to get Sybil fully nude, they go to great lengths to not show her fourth acting talent, her tits and ass being the first three, so you know where I'm going with that one. Stick with a better Sybil film such as Chained Heat or Malibu Express instead Eye Candy: Sybil Danning shows T&A multiple times, Suzanne Kennedy'shows her right breast briefly My Grade: D

Nearly 23 years later, my sister and I still have nightmares of this movie. I vaguely remember the sex. We were so afraid watching this slasher flick, that the very words in the title still bring chills to both of us. I've only seen one other movie in my lifetime that evokes that kind of creeped-out fear. It took us both years to face the Christmas holiday time without being terrorized by Santa (see the movie and you'll know what I mean!) Morbid curiosity kept out TV set on, but mental pictures have kept the movie with us. Even after seeing all the Scream movies, I still haven't experienced that level of terror. Eric Brown will forever be remembered synonymously with fear and killing!

The voluptuous Sybil Danning is apparently considered to be the chief attraction of this film for most viewers, but the plot also holds some inherent interest as a murder mystery. Unfortunately, the film is visually ugly and murky, and it's further hampered by a totally arbitrary, out-of-the-blue resolution. (**)