Jersey Shore Massacre (2014)

Part of me was semi-intrigued, being someone who is no stranger to slasher films and has liked quite a lot and the idea interested me somewhat despite being ridiculous. A large part of me was apprehensive though, having heard it was not good and that it looked like one of those cheap and overdone films with a muddled tone. Which, when watching it, was what 'Jersey Shore Massacre' essentially was. It is not just not a good film, it's an intelligence insulting waste of time. If it was trying to entertain, scare or both, 'Jersey Shore Massacre' failed abysmally on both counts, making the film a terrible chore to sit through. Am not hating or trying to be malicious, it is just my genuine stance on a film that didn't do anything for me as well as many others. The best thing is Ron Jeremy, who is fun to watch and the only thing halfway decent.However, the rest of the acting, from particularly the leads, is both overplayed and stiff. In all fairness they were hindered by hammy direction, constantly awkward and limp dialogue and that the film has no interesting or likeable character whatsoever.Script is childish, flabby and even improvisatory-sounding. The story is not much of one and takes forever to get going, when it finally does it is not for long and it is too late to care. 'Jersey Shore Massacre' seemed like a comedy mixed with slasher horror, and over-emphasises the comedy too much. Unfortunately, the comedy is not even close to being strong enough to make this imbalance not matter, it is completely witless, childish and so overdone it gets exhausting. The more horror-like elements are a long way from tense or suspenseful, generating little interest even. The kills were not creative and would go as far to say they were too tame, while the things there to by the film's definition "spice things up" (especially the nudity) came over as gratuitous and abused.'Jersey Shore Massacre' is a cheap looking film that even makes the scenery look tacky. Can't remember anything about the soundtrack.Overall, terrible. 1/10 Bethany Cox

Heading out for a vacation, a group of friends renting a house for a weekend getaway encounter a group of guys also looking to hook up for the evening and bring them back only to find themselves targeted by a vicious killer and must find a way of saving themselves from the maniac.This was quite the enjoyable enough effort. One of the better elements featured here is the rather engaging series of setups that offer quite a bit of fun at their expense. Not only is the first scenes showing the group on the road with their car problems and the housing mishap while giving this the kind of setup with them appearing at the house which is quite goofy and silly with the way they all interact there at the house. Even going so far as the cheesy tour through the woods with the group of loser guys or the beach-side exploits where they meet the other group of guys there picking them up for later. There's even more to enjoy with the catfight at the nightclub that forces them back to the house where the fun starts. Once they're back at the house again, this one turns into quite the exceptionally fun slasher which has a lot of sleazy fun charms. This part of the film turns into a full-on slasher opus with some rather strong and enjoyable stalking scenes that provide a thrilling, nonstop series of attacks and encounters here, from the bathroom-based double-murder and the tense attack in the bedroom which all offer up some pretty thrilling action alongside the nice gore. The film's at its best in the scenes at the shack where the killer has them abducted and ready to torture the various captives there or the engage in the fantastic chasing around the house that leads into the shack for a nice finale. As well as the fine nudity provided by those well-equipped to provide it, these here hold it up over the few flaws. Among the few flaws to be found here is the fact that this one tends to really go all over the place in the first half with a wide variety of goofy plotpoints and tangents. These are just all over the place with them continually changing plans and going to different events or locations trying to have a good time don't really provide anything of any interest as they just speak of a chaotic series of scenes designed to enhance the running time. As well, there's also the issue about the really silly finale which is pretty ridiculous with the double-turns and the various odd explanations offered for the killers' rampage which is really ham-fisted and makes no sense. It tends to feature way too much obscure tangents and coincidences to really give this a sense of closure. These here are what hold this one back.Rated Unrated/R: Extreme Graphic Language, Graphic Violence, Full Nudity, a sex scene and mild drug use.

I found "Jersey Shore Massacre" to actually be adequately fun and entertaining, and it was a great spoof on the slasher genre. Take the movie for what it is. I mean, don't expect this movie to challenge your intellect or to reinvent the wheel or anything like that.The story is fairly simple, well, let's be honest, it is very simple. A group of ladies go to a remote house in a forest for a getaway, and they hook up with some guys who are quite self-obsessed and interested in one thing only. Left to their own in the woods, a deranged killer is stalking the young party-loving people.Right, that was basically the entire storyline. And yeah, it is a no-brainer in every possible way. But for its simplicity, then there is something entertaining about the movie, as there is a good sense of comedy and thrill throughout the course.The characters in the movie were very, very generic for the slasher genre, and that was one of the reasons why the movie worked so nicely, because the characters were the summary of every single generic and stereotypical character in slasher movies past, present and future. Personally, I didn't fully understand the need to put Ron Jeremy in this movie. And I also had problems dealing with the Freddy character (played by Chris Lazzaro); wow, that was one disturbingly annoying character.The actors and actresses were also doing good jobs with their roles and characters, despite these characters being so generic and stereotypical. And the performances by the actors and actresses also helped to boost the movie and bring it a notch upward.I will say that the gore, blood and splatter effects were actually quite good, and they really helped to keep the movie afloat. And there is a good amount of bloodshed and violence throughout the movie without it becoming too much."Jersey Shore Massacre" is entertaining enough for a single viewing. I give it a 5 out of 10 stars.

First of all, when I saw the title Jersey Shore Massacre, I thought it was a movie based on the Jersey Maneater from 1916 - the great white shark that killed a few people, which is what Peter Benchley based Jaws on. It kinda made sense since Shark Week just ended. I thought someone was trying to piggyback on the popularity of that series. Then I saw the poster. Way wrong!!!! From the poster and the description, it looked like an indie that was so bad it's funny, which could make it rather entertaining. Boy, was I wrong, again. The cast includes pornstar Ron Jeremy. He's only in it for a few minutes, but he's the best actor in it, which kinda gives you an idea of how bad the movie has to be. The opening scene includes a topless, big boob blonde, and it's produced by JWow, telling you all you really need to know. It has a stereotypical gay man in the beginning who has a feminine Spanish accent and gestures like a woman. Oh yeah, and he works as a hairstylist. I guess they thought it would be funny, it's not, just stupid. Gays should be insulted by the character.I'm not sure if they could've hired six more repulsive girls - nine if you count the three Hispanic chicks who were only in it for a short time. The script was stupid. An example: "None of us eat meat," says one girl. Another adds, "Yeah, we're all veterinarians." Eye Roll. One of the girls wears a big, gold "SINGLE" charm on her necklace. Gee, I wonder why she's single. (sarcasm).When the tramps...I mean girls go to the beach, they meet a bunch of guys who one might mistake for Sha-Na-Na, except these guys can't sing and can't act. One of the girls has to relieve herself quickly, so she runs into the ocean and does a number 2, which some guys proceeds to step on. Was that supposed to be funny? It wasn't. That was really gross, unnecessary, and it showed a total lack of any sort of talented writing, and that's 39 minutes into the movie, with almost another 50 minutes left :( In the nightclub, the tramps...sorry, I mean, girls are dancing, and they get into a fight, and the bouncers suspend them from the club. I was wishing they'd suspend them from the movie. Could they have drawn up characters that were more disgusting and obnoxious than these girls and guys? I have my doubts.The movie has plenty of boobs, butts, blood, gore. The tough jocks are anything but tough when danger is near. There's a shower death, a tanning bed death, and many others. There were so many horror clichés used, they could've called this Cliché Massacre. Clichés are not necessarily bad, but there was nothing good about this movie. And no, it was NOT one of those "It's-so-bad-it's-funny" movies. I was rooting for the killer, even though they gave no reason for him killing people. When I brought up the Jersey Maneater at the beginning of the review, I really was hoping a shark, piranha, rabid squirrel, insane fleas, anything would kill these characters. They were poorly written, extremely underdeveloped, obnoxious as hell, and the storyline was anything but original. The script sucked. The acting sucked. It would be a shorter list if I say what DIDN'T suck. Actually, that list doesn't exist. I didn't expect to give this a 5-star rating, but I thought I'd be able to give it at least 2, maybe 3. Nope. This is a 1-star movie, and not even a solid 1-star at that :/