Biohazard (1985)

An entertaining, incredibly idiotic, and basically all-thumbs mid-80's earthbound "Alien" clone from the forever fumble-fingered Grade D dreckmonger Fred Olen Ray, who once again shows off his characteristic consummate ineptitude and flagrant disregard for anything remotely resembling professional film-making. Besides an obviously inebriated Aldo Ray delivering one of his single most horrendous performances as an irascible, constantly tongue-tied army general, Fred's then five-year-old son Christopher shambling about in a pitifully unconvincing rubber monster suit, a hilarious rockabilly ending credits theme song called "Rockabilly Rumble" performed by Johnny Legend and the Skullcaps, and plenty of Fred's patented crappy touches (dreadful acting, some bloody, but phony gore, excruciatingly labored attempts at no-brainer lowbrow humor, a little gratuitous bare female skin, a smug smartaleck attitude which suggests that Ray might be churning out these cheapie clunkers strictly for the money, and dimly lit nighttime cinematography that's guaranteed to make you blurry-eyed), the key reason to give this supremely shoddy stinker a look-see is to watch remarkably buxom erstwhile porn actress Angelique Pettyjohn show off her amazingly ample breasts in a couple of almost literally eye-popping scenes. Now, what more could you possibly ask for in an admittedly el zilcho two-cent "Alien" rip-off? Well, how about Fred in a quick cameo along with fellow partner-in-schlocky-celluloid-crime Donald G. Jackson (he who blessed us with "Hell Comes to Frogtown") as a medic. Best and funniest moment: When the irate dwarf creature shreds an "E.T." poster and stomps all over it in an angry jealous rage! A deliciously cheesy hoot and a half.

I couldn't believe some of the horrible dialog coming out of people's mouths, and the end reel of bloopers attached to body of the film was a real hoot. And we get titty shots of Angelique Pettyjohn (sort of) and Loren Crabtree to boot.A teleportation device activated by psychic Angelique Pettyjohn brings an alien container to an underground lab out in the desert. According to director Fred Olen Ray, they were leftover sets from the Klaus Kinski film, ANDROID which gives the film an increased value beyond how cheap it looks.Inside the container is a midget alien (played by Ray's son) who starts clawing people to death. It was pretty funny watching this little 'creature' in a black reptile suit with what looks like large beetle shells attached to it, running around in the dark. We even get to see the little thing stamp and tear at a poster of ET, which I thought was hilarious.And then there's what looks like a snake that also comes out of the container that gets hammered to death by William Fair, after the mini creature chews into Frank McDonald's neck in the kitchen. A low budget take on ALIEN, I suppose...The whole thing ends abruptly, looking like they ran out of film at the end before the blooper reel comes in with the end credits. Talk about a lack of funding...Fred Olen Ray also mentions in the director's commentary that they also weren't sure if Aldo Ray would make through the shooting and remember his lines. He barely did.Low budget cheese sneeze. It's fun to watch, I'll grant ya that. 4 out of 10

Well, movie fans, it is not a question of whether you like or don't like this movie - it is simply a question of wether you are into trash or not. Should you be one of the happy movie goers who have cultivated the watching of trash to an art form you definitely won't be disappointed with Fred Olen Ray's masterpiece of fun trash - BIOHAZARD! The first time you see this movie you may ask yourself why someone gets money to do such a film. On the other hand, if you really can't help stopping to laugh about what is happening on screen, you probably know how well the money was spent on this project. But I must warn all you trash lovers: BIOHAZARD will make you an addict to this film genre. Since having watched BIOHAZARD for the first time several years ago I probably must have watched it ten times or even more at least! And it still gets me laughing out loud! Be sure to invite some of your friends for a DVD session of this film - you all will have a really great time! Make sure to provide enough pop corn, though!

I was always curious about this film because it is so tough to find, so when I stumbled upon it on Ebay I forked over the $10 and bought it, now I understand why its so rare! This film is SO bad, so terribly written and hopelessly low budget that the ending credits, which show all of the cut scenes where they fumbled their lines, are literally the movie's highlight. The film is about a psychic (Pettyjohn, cast for one obvious reason, her topless scene) whom uses her powers with an experimental machine to pull objects from another dimension into this reality. When she pulls in some kind of box like object the military nonchalantly throws it into the open back of a truck with one soldier to guard it, and gee, what do you know? SURPRISE! A kid in a foam-rubber monster costume pops out, instantly kills the soldier with a scratch across his face, then escapes to a nearby city. But rather than deploy half the armed forces of the county to find it and protect the public those in charge just leave it up to Pettyjohn and Ray to find it on their own, but no matter, this movie blows all its credibility LONG before then. This barely escapes being voted a 1 by me only because of unintentional laughs, somebody needs to alert the producers of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" if they don't know about it already! 2 out 10, really, REALLY bad!