Spiders (2013)

I'm a sucker for spider movies. Sadly, like poker films, there are so few good ones. So little, in fact, I believe there might be just 1-2 really good to great ones in either genre.This is not one of them.I guess I am drawn to spider movies because the little arachnids frighten the sh|t out of me. The real ones, that is. So when a movie, like 2013's (bland of a title) Spiders makes them all completely unrealistic, I barely flinch.Mercifully, the first half of this spider-invasion film is more up my alley in terms of threatening little eight legged freaks. But, as all wannabe Syfy-movie-of-the-week flicks go, the little terrors must grow into human sized (or bigger) beasts.That's all you really need to know in this routine sci-fi, When-Animals-Attack movie. You go through the motions: the beast(s) crash land on earth, no one knows what's happening, one person dies, then more, hero with a history with the heroine investigate, government intervenes, etc, etc. Age-old tale.While it wasn't a complete and utter waste, it's neither recommended at all. Stick with 2002's Eight Legged Freaks or 1977's Kingdom of the Spiders – both of which happen to take place in my lovely state of Arizona. Huh. No wonder I frighten so easily from these baddies.* * * Final thoughts: It's much more distracting when you don't pause a movie to find out who the lead of the film you are watching and just keep wondering where he's from. In this case, I finally did remember, and was confirmed later on, our hero, Jason, played by Patrick Muldoon, was on Melrose Place. Yep, a lot of my viewing time here was spent on trying to place him than the movie at hand.

Spiders (2013) * 1/2 (out of 4) Another "big monster" movie with this one here centering on a Russian space station that crashes into the subway system of New York City. At first the "issue" seems to be clearing itself up but soon giant spiders are on a killing spree. SPIDERS somehow managed to get a theatrical release, which is kinda strange considering this really isn't any better than the type of monster pictures that show up on SyFy week after week. This is certainly far from a horrible film but I honestly couldn't recommend it over countless other low-budget "B" movies that I've seen here the past decade. At least with the movies that you see on SyFy they are cheap, fun and offer up some sort of badness. SPIDERS, on the other hand, really isn't all that fun. The title of the movie should have been "Walk Around and Talk" because that's pretty much what happens throughout the running time. We're introduced to our "heroes" who pretty much argue with one another as they walk through the streets of New York seeing all the destruction. As for the spiders, the effects are slightly better than what you'd see on SyFy but at the same time they're still pretty cheap and aren't very convincing. The look of the spiders aren't too bad as they're at least mildly entertaining. Of course, they were in 3D in the movie theater so watching at home I wasn't able to judge that. The death scenes in the film are mostly forgettable and there's just nothing special to any of them. The PG-13 rating certainly holds the film back from being "more" and, again, the stuff you see on SyFy is better.

0.01/10I'm a big fan of the first Spiders film, it was cheesy, fun and very entertaining and when I heard about this remake, I was like "Spiders got a remake, I wasn't expecting that," so I watch this movie, I thought it'll be fun, but man this movie p***ed me off, this movie is hand downs the worst remake ever made, this movie has no characters, none of the characters have personality, or anything that I found interesting about these characters. The whole movie was boring all the way, it was making me fall asleep. The spiders in this movie, don't look like spiders, they look like over-sized ticks, the CGI was really awful in this movie, speaking of CGI, this movie is filled with very bad CGI, like for example there's a scene when some people jump through a window, and they use CGI for the broken glass pieces. This movie is taken way too seriously, it tries way too hard, but then it fails. The dialouge is awful, the effects are awful, and the direction for this movie was horrendous, they take PG-13 rating way too seriously, so yeah this movie is an earth sized piece of s***t, don't see this movie, go see Spiders (2000), stay far away from this remake.

After a Soviet space station crashes into a New York City subway tunnel, a species of venomous spiders is discovered, and soon they mutate to gigantic proportions and wreak havoc on the city.Where does this film get placed in spider film history? One thinks it will end up a footnote or perhaps forgotten altogether (and the world would not suffer a loss from that).Many great spider films exist, including "Arachnophobia"... heck, even "Big-Butt Spider" probably deserves some sort of recognition. This one, though? Even by cheesy science fiction standards, it is little more than a distraction. Hardly worth even attempting line here.