Witchery (1989)

I can only assume that Linda Blair, David Hasselhoff and Hildegard Knef were not exactly at the peak of their careers when they agreed to act in a b-class Italian horror production with a cast of virtually unknown actors. When I think about great actors, David Hasselhoff doesn't really come to my mind, but delirious as it may sound, the Hoff actually does a decent job here and manages to stand out which, I guess, says a lot about the rest of the cast. David gives us a very likeable lead that seems to genuinely care about the rest of the characters and goes out of his way to save the day. As for Linda, her acting is decent and it is nice to see a horror icon. The enjoyment of seeing Blair in this flick mostly comes from the campiness of her character towards the last minutes, but the truth is that she is not really our lead. The final girl is portrayed by the unknown actress, Leslie Cumming, who wins the award for one of the most unexcited-looking characters in a horror flick. Seriously, I don't expect superb acting in a b-class horror flick, but this girl takes things to the next level, by lacking any kind of emotion and speaking in a monotonous tone of voice throughout the entire film.In "Witchery" the story goes something like this: A young woman named Leslie travels to a remote island to do some research for a book that she is writing, which is about the occult. Leslie's boyfriend, named Gary, travels with her to take some photos for the book, since Leslie wants to provide photographic evidence about the existence of witches and, according to some local folklore, there is a strange phenomena that occurs in the island, known as "the witch's light". Though Gary is a genuinely nice guy and he wants to help his girlfriend with her book, he also sees this trip as a perfect opportunity to finally get some action with his girlfriend (don't get your hopes up, Gary!) Though Leslie appears to be in her mid twenties, she is a virgin and very proud of it, since she believes that virginity equals knowledge or something like that. During their trip to the island, Leslie and Gary decide to stay at an abandoned hotel, which they are not supposed to do, since it's private property (unbeknownst to Gary, who was under the impression that they actually had a permit, as this is what Leslie informed him)On the other hand, we have a very heterogeneous group of people that also travel to the hotel where Leslie and Gary are staying. We have the Brooks family composed by a greedy matriarch named Rose, her creepy husband, Freddie, and their two children, Jane (Linda Blair) and Tommy. It should be mentioned that the mom and dad appear to be in their late fifties and the youngest son, Tommy, appears to be less than ten years old... unusual, but not impossible. Oh, also, Jane is pregnant, though the baby's father is not once mentioned during the entire film. Jane really loves her younger brother Tommy and cares for him at all times, while Rose, the mother, appears to be somewhat of a bitch towards her son and the rest of family... and towards everyone else, for that matter (but don't worry, folks, she'll suffer horribly). Why the hell are the Brooks going to the island? Because Rose wants to buy the old decaying hotel and turn it into a private club to make tons of money out of it. Joining the family, we have Linda Sullivan, a young, sex-crazed architect hired by Mrs. Brooks to assist them with the renovations and lastly, we have Tony Giordano, a goofy-looking real estate agent who is trying to convince Mrs. Brooks that buying the old hotel is the deal of the century.When the Brooks arrive to the hotel with the architect and the real estate agent, they don't hide their dismay when they find the young couple of squatters staying there. However, Gary manages to ease up the tension by explaining that they didn't mean to cause any harm and offers everyone some coffee. Believe it or not, this does the trick and everyone manages to get along with each other just fine... well, everyone except for Rose (did I already mention that she's a bitch?)Unknown to everyone staying at the hotel, the place is also inhabited by an old witch (played by German actress and singer, Hildegard Knef), who wears tons of make up and apparently smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, judging by the sound of her voice. This unnamed witch used her powers to cause certain events that brought all these people to the hotel at the same time. Besides using her powers to lure all these strangers into the hotel, the witch also kills the guy who drove everyone to the island by boat, preventing them from leaving, so in the end, it's no coincidence that these strangers find themselves living under the same roof. Now, what does the witch want? Eh... it's a bit confusing, but at some point it is revealed by one of the characters that, several years ago, the old witch was a actually a beautiful actress who starred in several films and was unable to cope with the idea of aging, so she retired from acting, because she didn't want to be seen anymore. From what I could understand in this convoluted mess, the witch needs to sacrifice certain type of people to complete a ritual that will allow her to be reborn through Jane's baby... or something.In lieu of a completely coherent story, "Witchery" provides a truckload of entertainment and features some gruesome and nicely done death scenes. Remember earlier when I said that Rose was a major bitch and that she was going to suffer a great deal? Well, this is what happens to her: at some point, Rose begins to rant and verbally abuse everyone, including her little son. In order to prevent things from escalating, her husband advises her to take a nap (though he is a bit creepy, I gotta give him credit for handling the situation with class). Rose agrees to lie down for a while, but before she gets to bed, she is sent to another dimension that takes place inside the house (we'll get to that later) and when she travels to this place, she is greeted by the witch's minions, a couple of demented centenarians, who sew her lips together, preventing her from being able to speak again (thanks, you guys!). As if this wasn't punishment enough, Rose is later jammed inside the chimney and...what do you know? Since the air is a little bit chilly, the colorful group of characters decide to gather around the chimney and light a fire, ignoring the fact that Rose is stuck in there, slowly burning to death, while everyone enjoys the heat (in a slightly humorous moment, Rose's husband comments that the pieces of wood that they used to light the fire smell "funny")Besides Rose's death scene, "Witchery" features some other scenes and moments that deserve an honorable mention... well, at least a regular mention. As I briefly mentioned before, some of the characters are randomly sent to another dimension, through a weird reddish vortex. We don't get an explanation about this realm, but we do get to see that the witch (also known as "the lady in black") seems to be the ruler of this place, filled with her weird servants. Are we supposed to simply assume that this realm is some kind of in-between territory between Hell and Earth? I'm not so sure, but I do know that, while the scenes that take place in this odd parallel universe are somewhat creepy, they could have made an effort to make it look less like some kind of barnyard from hell. Oh, and also, the witch's minions are weird as hell, they laugh maniacally all the time, they taunt their victims and they carry a doll (don't expect an explanation).Finally, our beloved Linda Blair finds herself playing a possessed girl again, but this time, her portrayal and the reasons behind it are rather cheesy, unlike the genuinely scary scenes from "The Exorcist". In this case, Jane is possessed by the witch and when she talks, she mimics the words, while we actually hear Hildegard Knef's voice. Also, for some reason, while being possessed, Linda's hairstyle changes and it looks like she had just auditioned for a heavy metal music video or something. Not sure why a witch possessing another person's body would actually take the time to change her hairstyle, but I've never found myself in this situation, so maybe it's more common than I think. At this point, Jane/the witch confronts the remaining characters that managed to survive this deadly mess and delivers a brief monologue, in which she reveals herself as the witch and explains the reasons behind her actions, before attempting to kill the sole survivors. However, our beloved hero, Gary, grabs a voice recorder in which Tommy, Jane's little brother, recorded himself repeatedly saying "I love you, Jane". This seems to do the trick, since Jane stops being possessed for, like, fifteen seconds, but in order to prevent the evil from taking over herself again, she jumps off the window and dies. Unfortunately, this clearly doesn't give us a happy ending: first of all, Jane, a nice gal, had to sacrifice her life and then, Gary, our beloved hero, dies. The sole survivors end up being only Tommy and the insultingly dull Leslie, who was, at some point, sent to the parallel dimension and raped by a skinny guy with sewn lips, just like Rose. In the end, we see Leslie lying in a hospital bed, where she is informed by a nurse that Tommy is fine and that she doesn't have to worry because her baby is fine, which prompts Leslie to look at the camera and say "My baby?!" with an odd expression of horror. Priceless!I highly recommend this flick to anyone who wants pure entertainment, gruesome deaths, a decent amount of ridiculousness that doesn't necessarily turn the movie into a comedy, some genuinely creepy moments and a plot that fails to provide enough logic.

There are moments in Witchery that approach the madcap goofball lunacy of La Casa 3. But you have to really search for them. Just by looking at the cast - Linda Blair! David Hasselhoff! - that you'd be in for a much crazier ride. This has even been titled Ghosthouse II, but make no mistake. This ain't no Ghosthouse.An angry mob chases a pregnant woman to a house where she dives from a window, like Oliver Reed in Burnt Offerings. I say like because it's the exact same shot. Jane (Blair) wakes from the dream, which is never explained.Don't worry. This movie has no interest in story. And I don't mean that in a Fulci kind of way, like an absolute film. No, this movie does the things where you'd expect a story to happen and ignores them.But hey, let's talk about our heroes. Gary (Hasselhoff) and Leslie are a couple who have decided to head off to an island to do research on witchcraft. They are there because some weird lights show up on the beach. Also - Leslie is a virgin. That's right. A virgin. It will be mentioned again. And again. And just when you think it's been mentioned too many times, it will be mentioned again.Jane's younger brother and her parents are all coming to the island too. Her parents want to turn it into a club, so they bring the architect, Linda (Leslie Cumming, in her second straight piece of shit on our site after Robowar) and the realtor's son.Oh yeah - this method actress went crazy and haunts the island. She kills the boat captain who brings them there to start. She kills off the majority of the cast in ways that echo the seven deadly sins for reasons that are never explained. Yes, things like motivation, the hero's journey and the three-act structure are all ignored by this film. That's forgivable if crazy shit happens. Sure, there's demon sex, but it feels like too little, too late (the most out of context sentence I've written in 2018!). There's also a woman impaled on a swordfish and Hasselhoff getting a blood bukkake, so if you just edit down those scenes into a 3 minute or so supercut, this is a much better film. Like this scene, where Hasselhoff discusses his childhood friend.What blows my mind is that Tommy - the little brother - has a tape recorder that fits into the plot and it's totally a Sesame Street model. You'd think they'd want their brand to not appear in a movie where a demon's penis makes a woman's vagina start bleeding.Hey look - any movie where David Hasselhoff gets impaled can't be all bad. But Witchery sure tries. If only it pushed itself to be as deliriously stupid as Troll 2 or as devoted to gore as, well, take your pick of Fulci haunted house films. But you do get a pregnant and possessed Linda Blair - poor Linda - chasing folks around a house before doing a swan dive to her doom.The end of this film is a shock ending that has nothing to do with anything that came before. A nurse comes in to tell Leslie that Tommy is fine and so is her baby. She answers, "My baby?" The screen loses color and then a totally 80's schmaltzy love song plays. Seriously, you gotta hear this shit to believe it. It redeems much of the film.I watched the ending three times in a day to write this and I couldn't remember any of it. That should either point to how many movies I watch or how uninspiring this film is.

Linda Blair has been acting for forty years now, and while she will never escape the part of Regan MacNeil in "The Exorcist", few of her subsequent horror films have used her legendary status to such great effect as "Witchery" does. She plays Jane Brooks, a pregnant single woman who travels with her family to an abandoned island hotel that her parents want to purchase. They are accompanied by a couple of real estate agents (Catherine Hickland and Rick Farnsworth) and upon arriving at the island they meet a photographer (David Hasselhoff) and his writer girlfriend (Leslie Cumming) who are illegally squatting in the hotel while investigating the legend of a local witch (Hildegard Knef). It seems that a long-ago witch-hunt resulted in her suicide, and she was with child at the time. Unaware of the danger, Jane has recently dreamt of the witch's dramatic death, and Jane's little brother Tommy (Michael Manchester) has been more directly visited by her spooky, black-clad spirit, which he calls 'the lady in black'. The group's time at the island inn begins quietly enough; unknown to them, however, the Lady in Black has already dispatched the captain of their hired boat (George Stevens). Before long, the isolation and cold begin to affect everyone, and it is during this period of moodiness and tension that the Lady in Black begins her reign of terror. She plans to avenge her own fate by possessing Jane and sacrificing her companions and her unborn child. Each of her other victims fulfills an aspect of her vengeful curse - greed, lust, and the blood of a virgin. As the sun goes down and the sea becomes wild, she haunts them one by one in gruesome, horrifying ways. The island location is effectively scary, and the inn is very creepy and hauntingly shot. It's such a colorful film that it reminds me of Dario Argento's work. The lighting is excellent, and the set decoration is perfectly spooky. The soundtrack is very effective and unique. The horror effects are extreme, terrifying, and unforgettable. The cinematography is great, and it is this that brings us back to Linda Blair. The creative team behind this film shoots her like a horror star should be shot: lots of dramatic push-ins, lingering close-ups that subtly detail Jane's incremental possession, and moments that are reminiscent of other great horror films. There are hidden homages to "Rosemary's Baby", "Jacob's Ladder", "The Shining", "Black Sunday", and of course "The Exorcist". She does a great job, and absolutely steals the show with her moody and understated performance. That isn't to say that the rest of the cast disappoints; Catherine Hickland is sexy and very good, and veteran performer Annie Ross is memorable as Jane's bitchy mother Rose. Hasselhoff gives it his best, but he is not essentially a film star, and his television persona gets in the way of his performance. Blair and young Michael Manchester have a wonderful chemistry together. The film is otherwise so violent and creepy (in a good way) that it desperately needs their warmth (Blair also played a mother in 2003's "Monster Makers", and her maternal scenes in that film have the same tender feeling to them). Lastly, Hildegard Knef (in one of her last roles) plays a great witch, and she has the most amazing voice and accent. Along with Blair, she was also perfectly cast. But it's Blair's movie all the way. Jane Brooks also seems to have some psychic ability, and this aspect of the film hearkens back to "Exorcist II: The Heretic". I think "Witchery" is up there with "The Exorcist", "Exorcist II", "Hell Night", and "Summer of Fear" as Blair's best genre work to date.

I must confess that I've been a huge fan of the almighty David "the Hoff" Hasselhoff ever since he starred in the hit 80's TV series "Knight Rider." Whether it's his extraordinary debut as a libidinous high school basketball player in the hilariously raunchy "Revenge of the Cheerleaders" or his brilliant portrayal of a dashing prince in the schlocky sci-fi gem "Starcrash," the Hoff has proved time and time again that he's a simply terrific (and shamefully underrated) actor supreme. The Hoff excels here as Gary, a cynical and skeptical photographer who along with his repressed virginal writer girlfriend Leslie (attractive brunette Leslie Cummings) investigates a seedy dilapidated haunted hotel located on a remote island off the coast of Massachussetts. They're doing research on witchcraft throughout the ages and the hotel's last owner was an actress who allegedly practiced the black arts. A bickering family also shows up on the premises to check out the hotel. Pretty soon various folks begin to get bumped off in assorted gruesome ways by the mysterious Lady in Black (an effectively eerie Hildegard Knef).Granted, the rest of the cast gives the Hoff a run for his money: the ever-perky Linda Blair projects her customary charming flair as a spunky pregnant woman who winds up becoming possessed (natch!), legendary jazz singer Annie Ross bitches it up with gleeful aplomb as a snippy old bat (poor Annie winds up being incinerated alive after she has her lips sewn shut and she's hung upside down in a chimney), and gorgeous blonde Catherine Hickland oozes considerable sex appeal from every fetching pore as a lusty slut. Fabrizio Laurenti's competent direction, a suitably creepy atmosphere, Gianlorenzo Battaglia's slick, glossy cinematography (the fluid prowling Steadicam tracking shots are especially nice), the gaudy special effects, Carlo Maria Cordio and Randy Miller's spirited shuddery'n'spooky score, and the gory, sadistic violence are all up to par. But ultimately it's the tremendously dynamic and charismatic presence of the one and only the Hoff which makes this choice tasty chunk of tacky Italian horror cheese such a winner: He takes his shirt off once (hubba hubba!), gets sprayed with blood, and -- WARNING: Major *SPOILER* ahead -- even meets a pleasingly grisly untimely end. Produced by none other than Joe D'Amato, this picture overall rates as good, sleazy fun.