Crash of Moons (1954)

Once again, Rocky bloody Jones and his civil partner Winkie turn up in my collection for a viewing, along with all them other characters we watched the last time...Atlasman, Cleopatro, The Kid, Prof Alzheimers, Some Dude, and Gigantic Vibrating Vulva...eh...one them I might have made up...This time, right, there's these two gypsy moons that float about, and they are heading for Officius, a planet run by a complete pain in the arse, and Rocky right, Rocky right...Rocky...he's gonna have to convince the leader of Officius to get off the planet, but like, she wants to blow up the moon that will destroy her planet...It took me three days to watch this SH!TE. Three days!Although slightly less annoying that the last Rocky Jones crap I watched, this one still manages to unentertain with people having fistfights, talking, and the usual serial condensed as film type stuff....Kind of funny to see Rocky using a pencil and protractor in space, as well as Yale locks on the prisoner doors on Officius...Otherwise - avoid unless led by compulsion to watch....

While travelling home in their XV2 Orbit spacecraft, pilot Rocky Jones (Richard Crane), co-pilot Winky (Scotty Beckett), translator Vena (Sally Mansfield), elderly scientist Prof. Newton (Maurice Cass) and his young ward Bobby (Robert Lyden) discover a strange atmospheric corridor that connects two roaming moons, Posita and Negato, the inhabitants of which have been at war for millennia.Alert! Learn this: Crash of Moons AKA The Gypsy Moon is another feature compiled from several episodes of 50s sci-fi TV series Rocky Jones Space Ranger and as such is full of incredibly cheap effects, laughable dialogue and implausible science. It does, however, successfully drive home the value of a classical education...In this adventure, insufferable space brat Bobby is forced to read classic Greek literature as part of his education, something that proves very handy when he and his fellow space travellers find themselves in several dangerous situations that mirror Homer's The Odyssey. Armed with Bobby's recently acquired knowledge of The Trojan Horse, the Sirens, and Odysseus's return to Ithaca, Rocky and Co are not only able to negotiate peace between Posita and Negato, but also successfully thwart another dastardly plot by power-mad Queen Cleolanta of Ophesia (Patsy Parsons).Ridiculously contrived and completely logic-free, the plot also suffers from an excess of outlandish scientific twaddle, and is further hampered by the need for language translation between races, something that is achieved through the use of a machine that prints the results on miles of ticker tape, an extremely slow process that is repeated ad nauseum. Dull, dull, dull!Thank heavens then for the film's lovely ladies, without whom this would be a lot less bearable; cast regulars Mansfield and Parsons look great in their usual skimpy 50s space outfits, and they are joined by buxom beauty Maria Palmer as Potonda, owner of two of the biggest 'positives' to be found on Posita.

By all appearances this serial could have been made any time since the mid forties. The cardboard sets, the moon kings with lightning bolts sewn onto their aprons, you know the drill. This one is a Rocky Jones adventure, featuring the space cop's dealings with the insufferable Bitch Queen of planet Offeecious, a commie planet that won't join the United Planets. When the noble messengers of intergalactic reason announce that Offeecious is on a collision course with this other, vaguely Slavic planet, Bitch Queen decides to blow the other guys up rather than evacuate her land. This introduces a moral to the effect of "The greatness of a nation is not in its land, but its people," which is hammered home five or six times in the climactic talkfest. The BQ's constant nasal ranting about "OffEEEEcious" provides relief from some seriously wanting space effects, is this a TV show?

Excellent entertainment value when viewed as the MST3K version! Everyone is a hoot, and John Banner appears in a rare serious role as the ruler of one of the doomed planets. Don't forget to send a Bannergram. Oh, and don't forget to watch Manhunt in Space, as well.