Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe (1990)

There are a lot of bad movies, but there's only one Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. If you want poor acting, a nonsensical plot, unbelievably low quality sound recording/editing, a pointless Jim Belushi cameo, and inappropriate soft jazz, Abraxas is the movie you've been looking for.Abraxas stars Jesse Ventura in the title role. While I enjoyed his work in movies like The Predator, he seems wholly incapable of carrying a movie on his own. He's joined by Sven-Ole Thorsen - Arnold Schwarzenegger's old buddy. A large chunk of the movie is devoted to these two guys chasing each other through the woods and mindlessly beating on each other. The third main member of the cast is Marjorie Bransfield. I'll be incredibly nice and call her performance bland.The plot is so ridiculous, it's barely worth mentioning. Abraxas is some sort of space cop called a finder who is chasing his former partner, Secundus. Secundus has come to Earth to find a suitable mate to bear his child. His offspring will be the Comater and have knowledge of the Anti-Life Equation. Secundus finds a female, impregnates her with a hand to the belly, and the baby (or Comater) is born within a few minutes. Abraxas catches up with Secundus and sends him to a penal planet. Five years later, Secundus escapes prison and heads back to Earth (with Abraxas hot on his heels) to retrieve the Comater so he might gain the power derived from the Anti-Life Equation. I'll stop there. This is all so pointless.I've always said that I rate movies based on entertainment. Abraxas is a test of that statement. It's a bad movie based on anyone's definition. It's totally ridiculous, stupid, and incompetently made - but it's fun. Despite the many obvious flaws, I was entertained. A qualified 7/10 from me.

During the decline of the VHS, I used to troll Dollar store movie bins and snap up every piece of crap movie I could find. Abraxas is up there in my worst movies collection along with The Elimnators and Frasier the Sensual Lion (or Frasier the Friendly Lion, the title on the box doesn't match the title in the film).Abraxas has some of the most awkward scenes and dialogue of any film ever made. I find it extremely comforting to know that I am not the only person here changed by that amazing scene where Jesse the Body Ventura tries to bond with the alien hybrid child but, to the viewers horrified amazement, seems to be coming on to him.This film is an absolute trainwreck and every car is spewing laughing gas.

He's no Laurence Olivier, but Jesse Ventura is very likable as an actor. Low-budget science-fiction B-flick with shades of "The Terminator" involves good cop Ventura chasing bad cop Sven-Ole Thorsen from the future to present-day Canada. The shoestring special effects are pretty much a joke, and the film never comes up with the kind of futuristic scenario depicted on the poster. However, this thing is almost single-handedly saved by handsome Ventura's low-key performance. No, he's not going to win any awards for his acting, but he doesn't force his dialogue and is an appealing presence on the screen. The picture is the epitome of mediocre, it isn't original nor remarkable, but on a minor, TV-viewing level it's decent fare. ** from ****

FOXX! CRUISE! FORD! WASHINGTON! VENTURA!The face of the modern action-flick has now changed! This could be one the most influential movies in modern history. The stunning performances,Pepsi, the non-stop action, the half-naked-man-to-boy relationship. Don't forget one of the most quotable lines in modern film making..."my Box has VD, trust me". unforgettable! After viewing this movie i also had a strange craving for Pepsi-cola. Seeing as the only store in the whole movie sold only Pepsi and Pepsi related paraphenalia... if i could rate this movie i'de give it 11 thumbs up... i recommend this movie to everyone on earth. In fact, the bible is now obsolete now that man has ABRAXUS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!