Final Justice (1985)

Another Mystery Science Theater 3000 film. One of the worst cop films of all time! And they thought that they'd add a touch of class by setting the film in Malta? Give me a break. This film couldn't be classy if Joe Don Baker actually wore a nice suit or recited Shakespeare! Speaking of Joe Don Baker, I'd like to ask Joe Don a personal question. Why do you insist on playing white trash in every film that you're in? Whether your a cop, a CEO, or just plain trailer park scum (not that all people who live in trailer parks are scum, but I'm referring specifically to his character in "Mars Attacks!"), you always manage to be the same annoying southern guy. What gives man? No sense of range? Also, is it just me or does it seem like the same scenes keep repeating over and over again? Geronimo ends up in jail, gets up, passes the gate into the office, is told to not pursue Palermo, and goes ahead and causes trouble anyway and ends up in jail, gets up, passes the gate into the office, is told to not pursue Palermo, and goes ahead and causes trouble anyway and ends up in jail, gets up... You know what? I think you get the point. The only change in plot is at the end when he finally meets Palermo, shoots him, and "unexpectedly" it turns out that Geronimo's superior officer is corrupt. My, what a shocker! Anyway, Palermo gets killed, and fade to black. Not a single plot point resolved! Also, that theme song is horrible on so many levels. First off, it's just a terrible 80's pop song, badly produced and sung I might add. Second, the lyrics "You better run, you'd better hide". It's almost if the guys who wrote the song for this movie knew how bad both the song and the movie were going to be and tried to warn us! And last but not least, it plays in the film 3 times!!!!!! Geez! Didn't have a budget for more songs? I guess Joe Don Baker just wasn't enough star power to warrant that.Anyway, screw you Joe Don Baker! You insulted my intelligence far too much. The only sanity I looked forward to was from the guys at MST3K. Anybody reading this, please don't bother to look up the film on it's own. I really don't think it matters if a few scenes were left out of the MST3K episode for content and time, they probably won't make the film any better. In fact, I didn't want to see anymore of this movie after it was over. I think I can go through life not having seen the shower rape scene or hearing any of the cursing uncensored. I think I have a pretty good idea of what word was usually following the phrase "son of a...", and the clumsy censoring is part of what made the MST3K episode so funny.

What reviewers and MST3K left out is the best part (and only memorable scene) of this otherwise dreadful movie: There is a very good rape-in-the-shower scene committed by the bad guy (Ben Gazzara look-alike) on Maria (as mentioned, killed later through T.J.'s ineptitude). Perhaps rape is too strong a word, "prison mating ritual" may be more appropriate. The background behind this chance, yet forced meeting is the mobster who is hiding "Ben Gazzara," introduces him to the girls hanging out at his pool. The 30-ish blonde disses him, but our villain must be quite smitten by her, because the courtship is on at that point. His first move is to attempt drowning her, until his mafia don benefactor tells him to knock it off. Kind of like the girl in high school you didn't like, but still wanted to have carnal knowledge of anyway... Let's just say, he catches UP with her in the cabana later.

Jimmy Dean could not have been more hammy or absurdly loutish. Hysterical if viewed through the eyes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, which I rate as a 10. I mean, the sight of this obese, corn-fed hog trouncing around Malta should be enough to send you to the vomitory, if you make it that far into the film. This ugly, hysterical farce should be placed with the likes of "Booty Call", "Pumpkinhead", "Swarm", and "The Smurfs Go To Bangladesh". A -gulp- film like this proves that sometimes actors, writers, producers, etc. get behind on their mortgage, or get stoned to the point of insanity. It begs the question "who was so stupid to finance such a whale?" But then, had good judgment prevailed and "Final Justice" never was, then we wouldn't have the delightful spoof voice-over in "Mystery Science Theatre 3000"!

Joe Don Baker is an alright to good actor in small roles here and there...he was alright in Goldeneye and made a pretty good Bond villan in The Living Daylights and has appeared in various other movies. One thing he can't do is carry a movie as the lead, which he is in this extremely bad revenge movie set in Malta. Joe Don's partner is killed so he kills the killer's brother and escorts the killer to Italy, but some guys cause the plane to set down in Malta and the killer gets away. The rest of the movie is seeing Joe Don chase the killer here and there, Joe Don getting taken into custody various times, Joe Don torturing a bartendar and being interrupted and so on. The movie is quite bad and you won't find yourself exactly pulling for Joe Don's character. You will be amazed at how many times Joe Don the hero gets taken out by one punch and how incompetent he proves to be. The crowning part of the movie comes when Joe Don chases the killer all over Malta with the killer in a priest robe and then they get in boats and he chases them all around Malta. This movie also features one of the worst closing lines to end a movie ever.