The Barbarians (1987)

I love low-budget genre films that begin "Once upon a time,..." because inevitably those films will show viewers a lot more about the times the films were made than the ostensible times the films are set. Of course, to certain extent this is true of bigger budget films of any genre, but those tend either to work harder to disguise the attitudes and biases than inform them or to explore them in a more pointed manner, while low-budget films just let it all hang out.In the case of "The Barbarians", we can glean much more about mid- 1980s cultural attitudes, biases and styles than we do about the non-specific mythological past the film purports to depict, especially in comparison to similar genre films from the 1960s. "The Barbarians" came out at the tail end of the 1980s Peplum mini- revival, which was sparked by the success of "Conan the Barbarian" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, just as the 1960s Peplum golden age had been propelled by the success "Hercules" starring Steve Reeves. "The Barbarians" preserves most of the conventions of the genre -- battles with fierce mythological creatures, good-natured boys-will- be-boys tavern brawls, sorcery, feats of superhuman strength, slave girls (but no dancing girls), bodybuilder heroes -- but the hair is more feathered than lacquered, the costumes (for both men and women) are more revealing and some female toplessness is featured, the music is synth-driven rather than orchestral, and the camp sensibility is more obvious and knowing. Most of the actors seem to want us to know that they aren't taking any of this too seriously and neither should we.Part of that comes from the stars, bodybuilder twins David and Peter Paul (billed as "The Barbarian Brothers"), who made a handful of movies in which they play perpetually bickering meatheads. They were supposed to be funny -- more two-of-three stooges on human growth hormone than Abbott & Costello -- but they never caught on big because of their very limited range, though they do have a low-key jovial screen presence and they certainly look the part of muscular heroes. To overcome their limitations, the film offers high camp from b-movie stalwart Richard Lynch, Eva La Rue and veteran character actor Michael Berryman, each competing with the other to chew more scenery, as well as a host of other mostly Italian character actors some of whom will be recognizable to horror and action film fans. There's not a lot of wit in the screenplay (the best bit, from a reluctant would-be queen: "I'm not a virgin!" to which the sort-of priest who's trying to conscript her responds "We don't have time for such subtleties!"), nor a lot of style to the direction by Ruggero Deodato, better known for "Cannibal Holocaust," but it only drags occasionally despite a rather slow pace. And it looks half-way decent, which is more than you can generally say for a several of the movies from this period. It seems like most of the money spent on this ended up on screen, whether in the set design or in body oil for the stars.And that copious body oil highlights a key difference between this and the golden age of Peplum cinema. While attitudes about masculinity and femininity haven't change all that much (though the expression of those attitudes has advanced some), you can tell how much more informed this film is by the mainstreaming of gym culture than the films of the early 1960s, when going to the gym and, especially, bodybuilding were sub-cultural phenomena. The Paul brothers make jokes about their size and shape that few would have understood in the earlier era. Their whole shtick was only made possible by the evolution of ideas about fitness that progressed from Charles Atlas to Joe Weider to 24 Hour Fitness, from Reeves to Schwarzenegger and beyond. This isn't a very good film, but it's at least interesting for what it reveals about those shifts.

This appropriately titled fantasy is an entertaining if not exactly "good" vehicle for acting / bodybuilding twins David and Peter Paul, otherwise known as the Barbarian Brothers. While watching it, one has to believe that the cast & crew, led by director Ruggero Deodato of "Cannibal Holocaust" fame, knew just what they were doing: this is so damn silly that it comes across as a spoof of the whole sword-and-sandal genre. There are plenty of laughs to be had, although the movie eventually wears out its welcome; it's a good thing that it's relatively short at just 88 minutes long. It's not for viewers looking for a lot of gore and/or exploitation, but it does have its moments, as well as a monster or two.Just to let you know what you're in for, highlight moments for the Paul brothers include: grinning and celebrating when they're able to burst free from hangman's ropes, hissing at a snake, arm wrestling with Italian icon George Eastman (who has a fun cameo), mocking the head of a decapitated monster by growling at it, and even pretending to be making out (!) to throw off the baddies!The two of them portray Kutcheck and Gore, orphans who were travelling with a theatrical troupe revolving around a queen, Canary (!) (Virginia Bryant) with a magical belly button. Villain Kadar (the late Richard Lynch, who's in fine form) covets her and attacks the troupe. The kids grow up to develop awe-inspiring physiques and unite to seek revenge.Sexy TV veteran Eva LaRue co-stars as Kara, whom the Barbarians save from imprisonment; it's also a joy to see Michael Berryman of the original "The Hills Have Eyes" in a hammy comedic turn as an underling. The movie does hit the ground running but doesn't have that much action. It looks reasonably good, but the special effects are pretty damn funny. (Dig that dragon!) The rousing score is courtesy of the talented Pino Donaggio.This may not be to some tastes, but people in the mood for an enormous hunk of cheese should be consistently amused.Seven out of 10.

Where do I start about this film. I love it! As a child, the Conan movies and Clash of the Titans were my favorites. I watched everything and anything that had a warrior, sorcerer, dragon, knight, etc., on it's VHS cover. Back when video stores rained supreme and there was no internet to watch trailers, no movie review sites, and no IMDb (the horror!), the cover of the VHS was what made you pick it up and read the 2 or 3 paragraph synopsis of the film (and look at a picture or 3 if you were lucky), or just walk right by it and keep browsing until something caught your eye. The "Sword and Sandal" genre was my favorite (along with sci-fi) but was also probably the most plagued with awesome cover art that mislead you on the often crappy, low quality movies (which I still loved). And one day, I picked up the movie The Barbarians...The Barbarians is directed by Italian director Ruggero Deodato (most famous for his 1980 cult horror Cannibal Holocaust), and he makes an adventure comedy that is one of the "best worst movies" ever made. The film opens in a serious tone, complete with narration explaining who the Ragneks are, essentially free spirited traveling entertainers. As we see the caravan of colorfully clad Ragneks traversing a lush landscape (the film is filled with beautiful scenic landscapes and locations), a band of horsemen is suddenly upon them and starts killing off the peaceful entertainers. After a long, entertaining chase scene (with a decent amount of blood and death!), we meet our film's main villain, Kadar (Richard Lynch, The Sword and the Sorcerer). He wants a magical gem the Ragneks are known to have, and the Ragnek Queen Canary (the stunning Virginia Bryant in one of her 6 film roles) as his companion. During this scene, which is 15 minutes into the movie at this point, we meet two young twin boys and a young girl (who become our heroes later). After more killing, Queen Canary promises to go with Kadar (Lynch) if he and his men promise to never hurt the 3 children...Now fast forward 17 years, we finally meet the title characters, twins Gore and Kutchek, aka the Barbarian Brothers. For better or worse, these two muscle bound knuckle heads turn an otherwise serious movie into an all out fantasy comedy. The brothers, kept separated and told the other was killed, have been tortured and trained as gladiators, each tormented by a man in a mask (one brother by an iron mask, the other brother a brass mask). The brother's, each now the size of Arnold in Conan, are made to wear the other brothers' tormentor's mask (still with me?) and put in a cage to fight each other to the death! Of course the masks come off after a few swift blows and the brother's realize they have been lied to and decide they have to team up to break out. Now free, they decide they must rescue Queen Canary and kill the evil Kadar who killed their people and imprisoned them all those years. They soon team up with young, lovely Kara (Eva La Rue, CSI Miami), who just so happened to be that young girl from the beginning! The trio ventures forth in search of weapons and the aforementioned magical jewel, getting into bar fights (there is a great scene with Italian cult actor George Eastman), battling a werewolf creature, zombies and even a giant dragon (which is one of the most laughably mechanical dragons ever put on film!).The Barbarians is a bad movie no doubt about it, but it knows exactly what it is and goes for it. It is one of those films that is so bad that it is great. The Paul brothers are so over the top, they are clearly not actor's (one of them has the worst over the top laugh ever heard on film). They obviously are not even trying to act and instead use their charisma and charm (if you can call it that) to make an entertaining, fun, fantasy adventure comedy. The movie is full of brawn, babes, swords, sorcerers, monsters, action and laughs. If you like bad movies, sword and sandal flicks, or Italian exploitation films, then The Barbarians is definitely for you and could quit possibly be a new favorite! I just hope that this film get's a DVD/blu ray release soon, because unless you want to spend $50 - $100 on an old VHS on eBay, the only way you can currently (2012) see this fantastic piece of trash cinema is on YouTube, cut up in 10 minute increments, in low resolution. This cult classic is remembered by a select few, but most that remember it, remember it fondly. And some, like myself, will treasure this movie for decades to come...

Kutchek and Gore are two orphans who got abducted by an evil warlord who makes a promise not to kill them. They go up into the Barbarian Brothers (the brothers if you don't know are freaking' HUGE) who after learning that the warlord is less than altruistic in his intentions, decide to break free and restore the balance. The two are stupid fools but they're big enough that no one cares. This movie is one of those films that's so bad it's good and is definitely tongue-in-cheek. Many highly quotable lines and I enjoyed it immensely.My Grade: B- Eye Candy: a few breasts are bared