Shock 'Em Dead (1991)

The only thing shocking about this turkey is its rating - 5.9??? You're kidding me. I gave it a 1 out of 10 because it is truly one of the worst movies I've seen. Top to bottom, left to right: it's garbage. Pizza place employee, a sometime guitarist, comes across a voodoo woman, or something, that somehow has the power to grant wishes (?). Out of all possible wishes, he chooses to play the guitar well (!!!!). Wow, great choice. He encounters her in the middle of the day at the pizza shop where he works - not at night, in a dark, mysterious alley. So the ability to play the guitar well translates into him also, somehow, being able to instantly live in a mansion with three hot chicks. Where did the mansion come from? Where did all the money come from to support all of this? Also, why has no one asked him, "Wow, your talent is incredible. Why has no one ever seen you before, ever? Also, why haven't you ever been in any other band previously?" Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Unbearable. I actually couldn't finish it - I got about an hour and 15 minutes into it before I had to turn it off. 100% trash.

How times have changed: back in the early 90s, I had an unhealthy obsession with horror, my Mega-Bass Walkman only played metal, and LA bad-girl Traci Lords was my pin-up of choice.These days, I listen to my metal on an iPod!If like me, you have a lifelong love of scary movies, get excited by the sound of a wailing guitar, and even more so by the sight of a certain impossibly pouty ex-porn star, then Shock 'Em Dead should prove to be be a suitably fun way to pass the time.The luscious Traci Lords plays Lindsay Roberts, manager of rock band Spastic Colon, who are desperately in need of a good guitarist; when geeky pizza parlour employee Martin (Stephen Quadros) fails to impress the band with his widdling, he sells his soul to the devil in exchange for a cool new persona (he gives himself the name 'Angel'), godlike skills on a double-sided guitar (six strings are for pussies), incredible wealth, and a trio of sexy sluts to cater for his every whim. After another audition with the band, Martin gets the gig and rock-star status finally looks like it is in the bag; the only problem is, Martin must regularly feed on the life-force of others to remain alive...A heavy rock reworking of Faust, the plot for Shock 'Em Dead isn't exactly original stuff, but although it's an oft told tale, the film still succeeds thanks to director Mark Freed's good natured, tongue-in-cheek approach to proceedings, which wisely opts to ladle on the cheese (indeed, in one scene in the pizza establishment, a whole bowlful of the stuff gets overturned) rather than to try and go for genuine scares.During the course of the film we get some very silly rock songs (the kind of thing you might hear from parody metal band Steel Panther), plenty of boobies, some silly comedy, a few dodgy special effects (green glowing eyes and shonky transitions achieved through slow fades), and some knowingly bad performances from its game cast (which includes 50s hunk Troy Donahue, and genre regular Aldo Ray).I give this daft slice of B-movie nonsense a very reasonable rating of 6.5/10 for being so delightfully absurd, but refuse to round it up to 7, as I would normally do, due to the complete lack of skin from Ms. Lords (she made this film only four years after giving up porn; I expected more).

There are 2 quotes from this movie that crack me up. The first is when Angel Martin goes out at night to order some pizzas at his old job. He approaches the window and some timid sincere nerd asks very endearingly and politely, "can i help you?" Angel Martin responds "I WANT TO ORDER A FU--IN' PIZZA!!" The other quote is when Angel is having the down side of his deal with the devil explained to him in the kitchen. "ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME WHAT THE FU-- IS GOING ON!!" I don't know why I think these are funny. The name of the band is, get this, "Spastic Colon". The gay guy, Johnny, who just so happens to be a junkie, is pretty funny. The audition scene with some ridiculous looking red headed stoner is funny too. I think it's Michael Kopelow from "The Stoned Age" but i'm not sure. That movie is pretty funny too! For guitar players, there is some really good solos in Shock 'Em Dead. There is this one riff that plays several times during the film that is so good, I had to figure it out myself. Traci Lords doesn't show any skin, but there is some from the other actresses. Traci Lords boyfriend in the movie is a complete tool. His name should be Lance or Brad or Trent or something like that.

I have seen this "movie" about fifty times. I love it. It is a ridiculous story about a nerd who tries out for a Poison type band and fails miserably. He then meets a voodoo priestess and she gives him the wish to a great rock star... for a price though. He now has to kill to live. Part of his wish is the ability to play guitar amazingly(the amazing guitar shredding is done in close-ups for all us music freaks.) He also gets 3 hot broads to live with him and do anything he wants. Then he meets Traci Lords falls for her and eventually fights her boyfriend in a funny ending. What a great movie. There are some hilarious jokes, nudity, metal guitar playing and just nonsense in general. I loved this movie. I rent it every so often and show it to people for the first time. They always roll their eyes when I tell them the title of the movie but in the end they get a good laugh and actually appreciate it. You will too! Enjoy