The Extendables (2014)

This is a silly film about what it is like to work with the big stars such as Arnold. Our star is shown as being very poor on stage, collects breast photos, sleeps with girls on the set when he can function, and carries a summer sausage in his pants. The comedy was juvenile and fell flat.Guide: F-bomb, sex, nudity (Lorielle New)

Oh Mein godfazer. Without a doubt this has to be one of the weirder films. Definitely not at all what I expected... I mean I'm a huge fan of our good Brian T but c'mon man. This will no doubt become mandatory for years to come as a precursor for what not to do, ever... in any instance. To be fair, let's just say it started off awesome (first 5 minutes). I even giggled a few times, then as the film progressed the laughter turned to pitiful grunts.. and then just silent bewilderment. It's literally like they spent 5 minutes coming up with some ideas and then decided to see how far they could extend the joke... Sadly they stretched it across a full length production. I reckon arm pumping fart humor would have been more captivating.

When you push the steroids, you do damage to your body. Your ability to have sex goes away and you get depressed. Your mental acuity suffers. These are known effects that are accepted by actors who have little to offer other than muscles. One expects these people to be dummies, obsessed with demonstrating prowess.Now here is an interesting movie. I am always interested when an actor funds his own project, writing directing and starring in it. I really didn't know this guy, but on some research he seems not bad as an actor.The hook here is that he plays a character merging Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Segal and Van Damme, all of whom he has worked with. Everything in this movie, he claims, is something he witnessed from one of these guys. Much of what is played out has to do with penis obsession, and the rest having to do with narcissistic disruptions on the set.Now, actually I find the idea interesting, because movies about movie-making can be pretty rich stuff. Also, I study the relationship between one political party in the US, their macho posturing and the relationship with these very same guys.The result is well enough done, but boring. These guys are boring; their obsessions and obstructive behavior is as well. There is no redemption as is usual in *damage movies.* There is no connection with what happens when a president, his military and his news network consume these muscle movies. All we have is an expose of nitwits being nitwits. It would be hard to find the humor in that.The title is unfortunate, because you have to struggle a bit to get it. It has to do with the dildo two of these guys wear.

Wow, this was abysmal. Everything about it was just bad and a pain to bear witness to. The acting was atrocious and the storyline even worse.Listed as a comedy has to be a joke on itself, because I didn't laugh once throughout the course of this movie. And the attempts at comedy were so lame that it ended up being toe-curling to witness instead of being fun.The story is about Vardell Duseldorfer, aka V.D., who is a struggling former action movie star who goes to Uzbekistan to direct and star in a new movie that will be his great comeback.I can't really put into words just how bad this movie was, and it is easily ranking amongst the top 10 of bad movies that I have ever seen in my 39 years. And the shameless cash-in title on "The Expendables" is nothing but a hollow title to lure in audience. Sure, it suckered me in, because I thought it was going to be a spoof on "The Expendables", but it wasn't anything remotely so.This is about an hour and a half of wasted time and effort, and do yourself the favor and not suffer through it. Others did, me included, so you don't have to.