Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

Words cannot describe how awful Birdemic: Shock and Terror really is. It's something you need to witness for yourself. At least Troll 2 had some sort of production value - this movie features laughable acting, terrible special effects, shockingly horrible audio and only remnants of an actual story. It's only redeeming quality is how jaw-droppingly bad it is. Why didn't I watch this with Rifftrax? Why?

I came across this film by accident, and boy was it a detrimental accident! During the first two minutes you'll notice some pretty horrific acting, setup, costume, etc. A few more minutes in and you will know wretched agony!!!! Every minute feels like eternity, and for the rest of the bloody film you'll find yourself scowling and wishing death at every worthless stupid character in this "film" It is inconceivable that anyone could make a film this hopelessly, endlessly, mind-meltingly horrific. This is not a bad movie - it's a war crime. *Accents come and go with wild abandon*The dialogue is that witless and badly phrased.*the chemistry is illogical and hideous*every single person is reprehensible, unlikable, stupid, and utterly lifeless This is the worst film I have ever seen. I actually felt like I accomplished something by watching this. Check off the bucket list for enduring a new form of waterboarding. There were no redeeming qualities about this film. I am lighthearted, and like lots of movies people consider bad (Troll 2, Satan's little helper, The Room, etc.), I can usually laugh at films that I myself find bad. This movie got a few beginning laughs as a plea to insanity, and due to my inner monologue of every "scene". In the end I only felt rage, scowl, and a MASSIVE headache. I felt robbed watching it and felt I could have done something more useful with my time like watch leaves fall, do jumping jacks, call my ex, go to church. Please don't watch this. If you do at least have friends with you and keep any sharp objects away.0/10 stars

Tl;dr : no.As someone who has written a couple of reviews in the past, I'm at a loss at how to start on this review. I'm typing this extremely, extremely slowly, just searching for a way to approach this. I guess I had better start with the most prominent feature of the film.Alan Bagh. I act as a hobby, and I've seen my fair share of terrible actors. But Alan Bagh is worse than the worst actor I've ever seen. Ever. Not just on screen - he's worse than the kid who played the innkeeper in my school Christmas play when I was 5 (his only line was 'No. Goodnight,' and he forgot it). He puts Tommy Wiseau to shame. Whitney Moore is slightly better, but not by much - the most realistic thing about her is that she plays a model for Victoria's secret. I don't even want to talk about James Nguyen, the 'director' and 'writer'. But James, if you're reading this, I want you to know: You're a sick, depraved man. This film has shattered my faith in the art of film-making. I wish I was exaggerating. I wish this was just some joke, but it's not. I think the scariest bit about the film is that... everyone was trying their best. This was the best James Nguyen could do. His best shot. Alan Bagh wasn't acting like that because he was joking. He was acting like that because that's what he thought acting was like. And at the end of the day, they all patted themselves on the back, and congratulated each other on a good day's work. Just let that sink in.Sure, the first 30 minutes are funny. But it slowly turns sour, as you just watch your faith in humanity crumble before your eyes. It's like getting drunk with friends - at first, it's all laughs and in good spirit, but slowly over time it turns into something which threatens your entire wellbeing and the wellbeing of everyone you love. That's what it's like watching Birdemic. At the end of the day, it'll never reach the same cult status as The Room, because while The Room is some semi-playful BDSM, this is like someone holding a blowtorch to your balls. I'm giving this a 1/10 officially, but right after this, I'm going to email IMDb and ask them to put a 0/10 rating in place. Because what was the one point for? What in this film warranted the point? Where was the part of the film where I though 'yeah, this deserves a point'? I'm going to take a nice long shower and have a bit of a cry, now. I'm done.0/10

Possibly the finest acting, story, editing, and sound engineering ever committed to film.What happens when a director/writer completes a masterpiece?What movie can fill the empty hole in your life?What is the meaning of life?Where can we look for answers?Birdemic is the answer to all of these questions.