Blood Lake (1987)

Wanna hear something funny? Just a few days ago, I wrote a review for a movie called The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made. Since then, I've gotten my hands on a long, lost VHS tape of what is possibly the rarest shot-on-video Horror movie of the 80's. That's right, kids. Blood Lake. A movie which proves, without a shadow of a doubt, that The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made is light-years away from being the worst Horror movie ever made. If you haven't seen Blood Lake, you couldn't possibly comprehend the utter ineptness of this long, lost treasure of schlock. After many years of obsessively collecting bad Horror, I've got a hold of everything from Criminally Insane, to Gore-met Zombie Chef From Hell, to Better Living Through Killing, but now... Now we're getting somewhere.I'll be honest. I'm still not 100% convinced this is a movie. It really comes off like a bunch of teenagers are spending the weekend at a lake, and one of them brought along his parent's cam-corder. And I'll just go ahead and assume that there was no script. Although, if these people were seriously following a script, then, quite frankly, that's a little disturbing. The acting is so terrible that it really seems like a bunch of awkward teens mumbling to each other, as opposed to actors, who normally speak up, when on camera. Is this snuff-schlock?? 2 awkward teen couples, and their tag-along pre-teen couple, make their way down to the lake, for a weekend of keen 80's fun. Only one of these people make this garbage truly worth it. Enter li'l Tony. Li'l Tony is gonna get with his chick, this weekend, just like the big boys, even if his little 12 year-old life depends on it. And of course he believes that if he constantly talks about sex, and is obnoxious as all hell, then he's just gonna magically start puberty, and his chick is gonna start showing interest. I'm rooting for ya, little fella.After nearly an hour of these poor kids pretending to know one another, pretending to be drunk, pretending to be regular, pretending to flirt, and just totally embarrassing themselves, something resembling a story... I don't know, a killer, or something. Whatever he is, he does his thing at night. Which would be fine, if there had been some form of lighting. This could have been the gore-fest to end all gore-fests, and you would never know it.Even after the teen couples learn of these alleged murders, I'm not even sure there was ever a discussion about whether or not they should all just go home. In one of many confusing scenes, an argument breaks out one evening after one couple decides to go out and take a walk. Every time someone raises their voice, the background music gets louder, So, it doesn't matter how good your seeing and hearing is, you'll still only catch about 1/3 of this spectacular joke of a movie.At times, it's painfully obvious that some of these people just don't know what to say. Going so far as to just repeat what the other person said to them. Somehow, they manage to do a better job at acting scared than normal, which I find incredibly odd. All the mumbling, not-so-well-thought-out wise-cracks, and scenes involving everyone talking at once, will no doubt entertain those who "get" this type of Horror.Wanna hear something funny? I actually rented this movie, from Blockbuster (of all places) in the early 90's, when I was a kid. My first s.o.v. experience. I wasn't exactly pleased with my choice for the nights entertainment. I thought to myself "you've done it again". I wasn't even that curious as to how something like this could come to exist. All I knew was that I didn't approve. I was still a bit too young to see the beauty in a movie this terrible. Luckily, over the years, my liking for bad Horror would eventually grow into a full-blown passion. So, last year, I look up Blood Lake on Amazon. Much to my surprise, I actually found it. But get this, the most expensive copy was nearly 1,000 bucks. Seriously, do you people have any clue as to how much bad Horror (which hasn't been released on DVD) can go for, these days? Something to think about. Here's something else to think about. Just because you like low-budget Horror, doesn't mean you're gonna approve of Blood Lake. But if you're one of those collectors, who often wonders exactly how far the bottom of the barrel goes, this will be an educational experience. Ultimately, this legendary low in acting, the complete ineptness of the whole movie, and of course, li'l Tony make Blood Lake more entertaining than all the Friday The 13th movies combined, which isn't that big of a deal, but still. I may have yet again stumbled upon what may or may not be the worst cinema has ever seen, or ever will see. And for that alone, Blood Lake will forever hold a special place in my heart. And I'm sure, deep down, Blockbuster feels the exact same way. 9/10

We've just completed the "Journey" otherwise known as Blood Lake. If you're thinking of seeing this movie... do it! This reminded me of my neighbor, Warren, and his stupid boat out at the lake. He even had a Mullet. A matching Mullet...I particularly liked watching people water ski (badly) for 25 minutes. And there were drinking games. And there were no tits shown throughout the whole movie. "I can't wait for tonight. Amanda's going to be beautiful." Probably the most intrinsically fascinating subtlety in the movie is the moment where the lead actress (thick blonde), whilst clearing the table, turns to the young African-American female and states "Don't you like being a slave?" in a pitch-perfect, lovely southern accent. Incredible.Why were teens being mercilessly slaughtered by a 280-pound 6'0 fat hick named Jed (I swear I predicted his name would be Jed before it was ever revealed) with a Rambo knife? Apparently, it was because of "your daddy". Clearly no further explanation required. But... after the ambulance carts of the surviving teens, we are treated to a post-apocalyptic 15-minute music video of Blood Lake dried up, with Jed standing impressively like only a killer hick with no motive can do.

This was, with all honesty, absolutely terrible. Take a really bad movie, multiply its awfulness by 100, run it over with a tank, dice it up and then glue it back together you'll get Blood Lake. Which isn't really a bad thing, because it's so SO SO bad it's almost kind of interesting. One of the things I thought was humorous was like the 15 minute ending where they showed the killer walking around doing nothing. Also, it was freaky how that scrawny hillbilly kid kept on saying he was going to bang the black chick. And I think they ended up getting it on.You should see this movie, it'll give you a laugh.

This is only the 2nd horror flick shot with video that I've seen, theother being Phantom Brother. And I thought that that was bad. Don'tcheck this out whatever you do! Anyone who reads this can easily get a group of friends togetherand make a video that is 20 times better than this. seriously! And who was the person who said that this was better than TheLast Slumber Party?! That was a work of art! I thought it would be equally as good, seeing how they were bothfrom 1987. the coolest thing about the movie is a shot of the moonthat lasts 3 seconds. the worst thing about the movie is a quickshot of the tiniest spider, during a murder.