Vampire Hookers (1978)

Take one word from group A (Ninja, Robo, Samurai, Vigilante, Zombie, Vampire, Alien, Cyborg, Barbarian) and one from group B (Cop, Princess, Assassins, Hookers, Warriors, Strikeforce, Muthaf***kers) and you'll have yourself a movie title that sounds awesome. Get Ciro H. Santiago to direct it, and it'll be crap.Vampire Hookers, for example, has the potential to be a hugely entertaining piece of bloody, sexy schlock horror; in the hands of Santiago, though, the idea becomes a dreadfully unfunny camp comedy/horror full of juvenile humour (bumbling 'Abbot & Costello' type sailors; a flatulent vampire; lady-boy gags), embarrassing performances (poor old John Carradine as a poetry spouting vamp), and cheap props (styrofoam 'stone' blocks), but zero gore.About the only thing Cirio does right is to cast three absolute stunners as his titular ladies of the night and get them naked a lot—although, somehow, he even manages to botch a scene in which the lusty bloodsucking babes tag-team a lucky sailor: torturously long and amazingly unerotic, it's hard to believe that anyone can make a three-on-one sex session seem so boring!

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.

This movie was really stupid. It was like one of those late 60's comedies that aren't funny at all. It must have been written by a really lonesome nitwit who had no friends and wasn't funny.This movie is full of slapstick, believe it or not. Really bad slapstick. For instance, there's a guy who lives with the vampires (who live in a pretty slick crypt in a graveyard) and he wants so bad to be a vampire. He even sleeps in his own coffin made out of plywood. There's a really strange part that I can't understand what was happening - he gets in the "coffin" and puts a plastic hose in his mouth and starts breathing in and out with it. Then he starts farting a lot. He farts so much that he opens the lid to the coffin and starting wafting his nose. Then the scene is over. ? Yeah, it made no sense.And there is an ULTRA long orgy scene that lasts for like 10 minutes. It's not even a good orgy. A lot of slow motion hair-flipping, and long long long kisses. It's one guy and three vampire ladies. They show the same kissing parts over and over to this very cheezy porn/helicopter music.The main vampire man (Carradine) is almost funny. He keeps quoting poetry and claiming that Shakespeare and Whitman must have both been vampires because he really understands their poetry. It's kind of pathetic because he can never find anyone else that cares about his poetry fascination.And whoever wrote on here about vampires having tan lines, that's a good point. One vampiress is constantly complaining that she can't go play on the beach or get a sun tan, but when the orgy scene comes up, she's got giant tan lines.The voices they use and the audio system they had are really terrible. This young sailor guy who is always trying to get laid has an old man who smoked and drank all his life voice. Then the young sailor who has the orgy has a voice like that red head kid from Happy Days. It just doesn't fit.Vampire Hookers = Really bad slapstick humor, awful choices for voice dubbing, a long and boring orgy scene, lots of taxi rides, guys who wear sailor outfits the entire time, and a funny ending credits where each character has their own screen with a shot of them talking and their name. LAME

Two female vampires pretend to be prostitutes at the urging of their male counterpart. You probably can guess the rest of the plot. The movie is pointless and crude.