Attack of the Sabretooth (2005)

One of my favorite movies, easily! Now I know what some of you are saying: 'NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT THIS FILM.' However some of you, like me, say gosh darn, some of these lines are neat as hell like: 'We bread 3' and 'The cats are bulimic, they kill, they eat, and then throw up and eat again.' The movie is actually sort of therapeutic in a way, feeding my short attention span with it's natural fast drama between the cats and human characters. It's not that these cats are scary, their actually very misunderstood. One of them was accidentally genetically engineered to be huge with hind legs "Like jello," according to what I would call a very creative role of this film who plays a scientist. "It drags itself on its hind legs," he informs someone in a suspenseful way (but it's not suspenseful). Come on, was the acting really a zero? No. Absolutely not. The acting was just like any other sci-fi movie, shallow with a weird affect, and it somehow always entertains me, I laugh uncontrollably. And I've seen some people die very creative deaths in sci-fi movies but the way the guy died in the end of this one made me pause for a quick second, and say 'what the heck,' then laugh like hell.

Atrocious: no-name actors, appalling CGI, predictable plot and stereotyped characters. You have to wonder why this film was made... Is it a parody? It surely can't be anything else? This inept film doesn't have much going for it. A kind of JURASSIC PARK with the billionaire messing around with genetics and coming up with sabretooth tigers. The script calls them huge but they look like pussycats. The cast is ineffectual: Robert Carradine doing a Jack Nicholson impression, Nicholas Bell being British and boring and Stacy Haiduk trying to exude sexuality - and flunking. The sub-plot involves - what else? - a group of mindless college kid clichés. There's no suspense.

I remember watching ATTACK when it first came out and caught it again recently. The sci fi channel has run worse, but not by much. A shameless ripoff of Jurassic Park, ATTACK substitutes sabertooth cats for dinosaurs. And they are on the loose, devouring as many extras as possible. The CGI is pretty bad, and closeups of prosthetic cat heads are laughable. We get some gore, which helps a little. Wait until you see how the mad scientist who started this whole mess gets it. Other than Robert Carradine, who has very little to do, the cast is unknown. Apparently this was shot in Fiji. Nice work if you can get it. Reminds me of all those low-budget monster STVs that were popular in the 80s and 90s.

This film was created just for Sci-Fi, if that gives you any idea of quality- the computer graphics are on par with that of the original Stargate film. In the film, when the power is shut down the sabretooths get out, but the writer gives no credit to Jurassic Park which has the EXACT STORYLINE. On the brighter side, it has multiple beheadings, and disembowelments, a single impalement, Lizzy Maguire's dad (who gets beheaded), a defense of goth culture (which is just as dumb as it sounds), a deformed sabretooth with only 2 legs, and the creator of the sabretooths yells just before he is killed, "I created you, stop it!" How can you NOT want to see this movie? Oh. And the sabretooth tigers see in heat vision, like Predator. Awesome.