Exposé (1976)

I love old horror movies. The sleazy, underground B-movies that have more people seeing them today in the anything-goes digital era than they did decades ago when they were released but had trouble finding their audiences. I also love Udo Kier. He is one of my favorite actors with a unique and beautiful voice to match his unique and beautiful face. Linda Hayden is a lovely Brit actress who starred in sexy roles in horror films like "Taste The Blood Of Dracula" and "Blood On Satan's Claw". However, this meritless hunk of trash is a blemish on all three of those categories. Pretty much one trashy sex scene after the next joined together by stupid dialogue and a few kills, but nothing that even comes close to entertaining. AND they used another actor to dub in Udo's voice! - Blasphemy! If you wanna see a porn rent a porn. If you wanna see a vintage sleazy horror film, there are many great examples out there, but this incoherent mess is certainly not one of them. Udo is a book writer who goes to a secluded cottage to write his next book. He has disturbing nightmarish visions, hires Linda Hayden to come be his secretary. Then people start getting killed. And having sex. And getting killed. And having sex.

A writer struggling to complete his second novel retreats to a remote cottage in Essex and hires a pretty typist to assist him in completing the book, but soon discovers that he should be more careful about who he employs in the future...Exposé's closing credits only lists six cast members, but what a cast it is: crazy-eyed Udo Kier as best-selling author Paul Martin; gorgeous Linda Hayden as his sexy typist; big breasted softcore queen Fiona Richmond as Paul's lusty lover; 'Brush Strokes' star Karl Howman and legendary stuntman Vic Armstrong as a pair of rapist scumbags; and UK TV regular Patsy Smart as the housekeeper (OK, I've never actually heard of Patsy until now, but it seemed unfair to not mention her).With this excellent line up, plus plenty of steamy sex and several nasty scenes of violence (highlights being a double shotgun killing and a bloody knife attack in a bathroom), director James Kenelm Clarke delivers a sleazy, slow burning psychological thriller guaranteed to keep any fan of exploitation movies more than happy for the duration. Cult favourite Kier is his usual reliable self, and Richmond adds a certain novelty factor (this was her first major role outside of soft porn), but it is the delicious Hayden who steals the show, at first appearing all sweet and innocent, but soon revealing her true colours as she regularly stops work to masturbate, murder, and eventually get it on with Richmond in an eye-popping lesbian clinch. Whew!

Intended as a cheap sexploitation/horror film, made for only £50,000, it's interesting to discover what became of Expose - and consider what it might have been. The plot is good - better than an average episode of The Avengers, anyway. A writer (Udo Kier) rents a detached farmhouse in Essex and hires a secretary (Linda Hayden) to type his somewhat improbable manuscript.There are low ceilings, claustrophobic surrounds and a small ensemble of performers including Fiona Richmond, who, as Kier's girlfriend, stimulates him so much that during intimacy with her, he feels the need to wear latex gloves. It all augurs well, the soundtrack's good too and I was pleased to see a vignette from talented Karl Howman, who I first saw in the exceptional National Youth Theatre production of Zigger Zagger.The sex isn't outrageous by today's standards - though not quite the sort of thing you'd come across in Last of the Summer Wine. Funnily enough, I first discovered this film due to an innocuous appearance of Linda Hayden in another sitcom, Some Mother's Do 'Ave Em.Her role in this is not dissimilar to that of Susan George in Straw Dogs; on one occasion, as she towers over her drunken employer, lying on the floor staring up at her, panic-stricken, I felt distinctly uneasy. Coming from Stanmore, near to where I grew up, she might at least have considered towering over me, after an evening of inebriation in a pub near the end of the Northern Line. Charlotte Rampling, a fellow actress from the neighbourhood, who appeared in The Night Porter, amongst other things, became a much bigger star. Linda could - and perhaps should - have emulated her. She was apparently disappointed Fiona Richmond enjoyed star billing on the posters and that the film was advertised as a skinflick. Fair enough, but perennial masturbation was not depicted so much in mainstream films in those days (these days, it's almost compulsory, although most associated with American boys in teenage coming of age movies).Suffice to say, with a little bit more suspense, erotica and sensuality rather than sex and perhaps one more twist, this could have been a Witchfinder General or Wicker Man. Perhaps. As it is, it's interesting, worth a look and in the end, hangs together rather well.

I was pleasantly surprised by this film. Usually a film of this genre is not really worthwhile staying up late for. You know, the sort of film where a mad person goes stalking through a lonely house for one or two people, the odd flash of flesh here and there - that sort of thing.If it wasn't for the fact that the RADIO TIMES - that's the TV listings over here in England, folks - had given this film 3 stars out of 5, then I wouldn't have bothered. As it was, I was intrigued as to what good a high-brow magazine saw in this film.The plot is fairly simple. Udo Kier plays a writer who lives in a house in a remote area of the English Countryside. He is trying to write his second novel, a follow up to the smash hit that he had previously written. But he can't really type straight onto paper that well, so he decides to hire a secretary, Linda (Linda Haydon). It turns out, however, that Linda is not whom she seems, and soon dead bodies begin to crop up all over the place...This film is pure entertainment. There are some incredibly stupid moments, yes, and you can't help wondering in today's world how the managed to get away with the awful dubbing over Udo Kier's voice throughout the film. Fiona Richmond, though very attractive, is reduced in her first big screen role as Kier's girlfriend, and so therefore generally gets slapped about before she is - thankfully - done in.But the storyline is a fairly decent one, and the performances - particularly of Linda Haydon - are very good. The scenes of loneliness and eeriness of the place is shown quite well in the setting. There are some naughty scenes, but compared to what we have today these are in fact rather tame.It is in the gore where lies the reason for its certificate. Sometimes there are random shots of the stuff, which are explained to a greater depth later on, and sometimes it is directly in-your-face type work.On the whole this is a good suspenseful thriller that will entertain and even surprise you on more than one occasion.6/10