Death Machines (1976)

Madam Lee (Mari Honjo) who is fun to listen to, creates three zombie "death machines" using a serum. She kills other assassins and corners the market on assassins for hire. A witness is left alive who proves irksome.Not well acted. If you use a bazooka to kill people, do you really need zombies? One assassin drove an inconspicuous white Vette.Guide: No F-words. Implied sex. FF nudity

There is a point in the film where the female boss of the "death machines" (a multi-ethnic trio to please everyone, being inclusive I think it's called these days) talks about using leverage on a business man. Except such is her delivery that it sounds like "leatherage." At which point this viewer perked up thinking this dull film was turning a corner into new world of kinkiness. But it didn't. The boss lady had to do the talking as the "death machines" did not say a single word during the whole film and talk she does. Interminably. There is action in the film but it is not that exciting and the plot staggers from one cliché to another. The three mute "death machines" live to survive another day at the end of the film. Hopefully there wasn't a sequel.

I'm from Texas so I thought I knew big hair, but the female villain in this movie had humongous hair. Whenever she was on the screen I couldn't concentrate on anything but her hair. Take about stage presence! There seemed to be a lot of people with hearing problems in this movie also. There was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket who somehow didn't notice the owner plunging toward the car screaming at the top of his lungs until he hit the car. Then there was a guy in a phone booth who couldn't hear a huge bulldozer coming at him until it was 5 feet away. All the hit men in this movie seemed a bit deaf, no one had to sneak up on them. The one handed 'hero' of this movie was so whiny and ineffective that it was funny. The bar-fight was pretty funny. There is a priceless scene where the hero and his girlfriend just had sex and judging from their expressions, it wasn't good for either one of them. It made me laugh out loud. This movie is on the 50 Movie Pack Martial Arts set if you want to see a lot of bad movies (with a few decent ones).

A friend of mine bought this film for 25 pence and always said it was the worst film ever made. I didn't think it could be that bad. It is. In England it's on video as The Ninja Murders. There's a Chinese woman with a small mouth who seems to be up to something. Lots of ninjas who don't seem to know kung fu from ballroom dancing go around "attacking" other people who seem to have no purpose in the plot. That is if there is a plot. I'm not convinced.There's one bit where some ninjas attack a fisherman and he disables them by gently pushing them to one side. We see lots of stock footage of a propellor plane landing. I never knew who was on the plane or why. Or what film this footage came from as I'm sure the production team couldn't afford the hire charge on a plane. The last time we see the plane land there is a blond man hiding. At the end of the film he is revealed as Frank. Well, a woman calls him Frank. I assume he was the hero. I don't recall seeing him do anything during the film and I certainly had no idea he was called Frank.The most interesting thing about the whole movie is the plot summary on the back of the video casing. It says that a new warlord is gaining power and the old warlord is struggling for survival. Apparently they must "fight to the death before the MAIN BATTLE!!". Well i don't recall any warlords, though I suspect the chinese small-mouthed woman may be the new warlord. And don't bother sitting in great gaping-jawed anticipation for any fight to the death or main battle. What fight to the death? What main battle? The film ends with two men at an airport and then the height of all camera tricks is used to show they are a group of three men not two!! Maybe a great twist ending but as these men were about as familiar to me as Frank I had no idea what it all meant. Actually I have no idea what any of it meant or what was going on. I'm still baffled.The great thing about this film is that you couldn't possibly make a worse film. Even if you tried so hard to make a film on a shoestring budget that was so bad it was unwatchable it would be like The Godfather in comparison to this pile of pants. I would conclude my review with words representing such abominable appallingness that I won't even bother. Avoid at all costs